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The Unpaid Debts from the Heart

Last night, I was lying awake, brooding over a promise I had made to a very good friend a number of years ago and hadn't kept. This is not about money, those debts are, at least, payable. This was one of those other kinds of debts that no amount of "I'm sorry" can repay.

We all carry those invisible IOUs, they are the kind that twist your stomach when a certain memory comes along, or when Facebook reminds you of a particular day in the past. I remember telling my grandmother five years ago I would visit her the next weekend, but work got me very busy, and life got in the way, and somehow that next weekend never came. She died before I could fulfill my promise to her. That is a debt that I will never be able to pay off.

It is quite ironic, not in an amusing manner, how these debts of various kinds tend to accumulate when we are least aware of it. Just like we keep using our emotional credit cards without checking the balance.

The time I failed to lend my support to a co-worker who was being bullied at a meeting. The book I have been longing to write but keep pushing it away because I felt I am not ready. The phone call I failed to make to a friend who was passing through a hard time because I didn't know what I would say.

I sometimes find myself in a spiraling cycle of what if? What if I had been braver? What if I had shown up? What if I had just picked up the phone? But what I have learned, and maybe you will too, is that these debts do not come with a repayment plan. There is no such thing as emotional bankruptcy we can declare to wipe the slate clean.

Just the other day, I sat having coffee with my wife; we spoke of how guilty we both still feel that we weren't there enough for her mom while her dad was ill. We were young, scared, and quite honestly, just a bit selfish. We thought we had all the time in the world. Years later, it's a debt we still carry. Her Mom never mentions it, she's too kind, but we know. You know what I mean?

But lately, I have been thinking about these debts differently. Maybe they shouldn’t ever really be fully repaid. Perhaps they’re more like tattoos on our conscience, permanent reminders of lessons learned stubbornly. That debt I owe my grandmother taught me that seeking the company of loved ones always has great value. Every time I feel its weight, I pick up the phone and call someone I love.

Of course, the most complex might be debts we owe ourselves: that unwritten novel, that career change which never quite happened because you were too terrified to make a leap of faith. These are the silent ones whispering to you at 3 AM, the "what-ifs" and the "if onlys." I guess you have a couple of those yourselves. The mountain you did not climb, the "I love you" you did not say, the risk you did not take.

But here's what I'm learning, and I'm very much still a work in progress. These debts can either break us or make us. They can be weights that drag us down or fuel to push us forward. That time when I let my friend down, well, it made me a more reliable person today. The dreams I postponed? They are showing me it's never too late to begin again.

So maybe, maybe, it't not about getting rid of all of these debts. Maybe it's about allowing them to form us into better people. To be our reminders to be kinder, braver, more present; to say "I love you" a little more often. To show up when it matters. To chase that dream that scares us.

For, though it is not in our power to undo the done, yet there is freedom for shaping the way of going on afterward. We may let these debts be our tutors rather than tormentors, and perhaps thus teach ourselves the most dignified way of paying our respects unto them, not trying to pay them off, but turning ourselves into someone who wouldn't incur them again.

What do you think? What irredeemable debts do you carry? And more importantly, how have they changed you?

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