Two and a Half

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Blummin eck, it's quiet today.

I called out cheerily to the lonely-looking Personal Trainer mooching around the crash mats as if imagining himself jumping from a plane with a knife between his teeth towards a dark and brooding jungle fortress.

One of the PT's bulging muscles on his forehead throbbed slightly and he spoke whilst absent-mindedly posing in a nearby mirror like some kind of beefy Experminator.

Yeah mate, everyone is getting ready for Christmas, you know?

He threw the words out casually over his shoulder like they were kittens going into a bag.

Aye, still. It isn't quite Christmas yet...

I was feeling reasonably chatty, I had finished work for over two weeks and was looking forward to a slow and gentle descent into festive alcohol-fuelled madness.

Experminator looked up at the ceiling as if checking for Seagulls.

True enough mate...

He began to amble over to me.

Oh fuck, he was coming over. Too late I realised what I had done. I had spoken to a Personal Trainer at the gym. Everyone knows you don't do that because they are all cocks. Even the lady ones with the sexy thighs.

What kinda of gains are you looking for?

The Experminator loomed over me now. His unironic moustache glinting in the yellow light like a bad green screen effect.

What fucking what?

I tried not to squawk like a Canadian eating butter but it was hard.

What gains are you looking for mate?

The Experminator reached out with a musclebound finger and gently lifted up my left moob before letting it fall.

He grunted disapprovingly.

I looked in horror at his finger and then at him. Had he just fingered my boob? The BoomBoob? How fucking dare he? What next, would he ask me to go to a musical with him?

Listen, it is the end of the year. I will do you a deal...

The Experminator leaned in close and spoke out of the side of his mouth as if we were standing in a wood hoping not to scare the grouse.

SIgn up for a program with me and nobody will be kicking sand in your face on the beach this summer.

He chuckled muscularly as if he lived in a shit American teen drama and was wearing a cloth jacket with leather sleeves.

My right eyebrow raised so sneeringly high that half a mile away a lady fell off her bike into a puddle.

Sign up for a program?

I snorted disdainfully as if that guy down the market was trying to sell me magic beans again.

Aye...

The Experminator flexed his arm in two different ways and it looked like fat puppies were fighting under his taut slightly orange skin.

Listen, I will do you a deal. Two and a half sessions for ninety bucks. Can't say fairer than that.

He licked his own top teeth like an insane horse that needed shot.

Two and a half? A half? What the fuck is half a session?

I waggled my head as if haggling at a Chennai market.

The half is the one where we do the measurements. You know... Talk about what gains you want to achieve... Set your goals.

The Experminator looked confused and tailed off into mumbling something about protein shakes.

I stared at him pityingly.

No thanks but you know, have a nice half a Christmas.

I shook my head and walked away. Prick.



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(Edited)

Maybe you should have said you wanted a whole session right now as a free trial to see if you liked it. LOL....

THEN.... turn it down because you could tell no change when it was over. 😂

If one isn't buff 4 days before Christmas, there is no help for it now.

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It is definitely the wrong time of the year to be buffing up. He was a forlorn muscle bound wreck of a guy. I dont know why he is fussed, in January you wont be able to move in the gym for the post festive resolution crowd! :OD

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(Edited)

LOL! My son is a PT and has a bushy beard these days. They grow up so fast. He has not offered me his services as I expect he would rather be paid.

Fingering a man's moob is really asking for it.

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It was such a dismissive finfering, I was offended and not in a 21st century way!

I always thought that would be a cool job if you were a young feller me lad.

It looks like moustaches are in instead of beards now, it's ridiculous looking some of them!

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Youngsters look like a load of Victorian military men these days. Mine seems attached to his beard and the girlfriend doesn't mind it. Daughter's boyfriend has a bit of a beard too. I've never really had one.

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I've never really had one before my best efforts. I don't think my follicles are on side 🤣

Now that you mention it they really do look like Victorian soldiers!

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This had me laughing out loud—'Experminator' is such a perfect nickname for the overly intense PT

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He was an intense one indeed, all bulges and moustache! 😃🤣

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This whole story is peak observational comedy, with just the right dose of chaos.

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squawk like a Canadian eating butter

😂

This is why I never talk to people, and would especially never talk to a trainer, or anyone in sales for that matter. I can't believe that he actually touched you 😆 😡

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It was the weirdest thing ever. I don't really have very mooby moobs but he put a finger under my pwc and lifted it. I was like wtf!?

😃

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Maybe he had another type of 'session' in mind....

Just imagine, if you were a lot fitter, maybe he'd pay you for the sessions instead 😂😂😂

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Maybe he was trying to pay me for the other kind of session!! I bet he was, the filthy mare!! 🤣🤣

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Oh shit... so i'm sitting on the couch, eating banana pudding, and I see this line...

What gains are you looking for mate?

How could you not respond with "Crypto Gains mf'er. Are you daft?" is completely beyond me..

Further in the pudding I dove and then....

squawk like a Canadian eating butter

And of course my immediate thought..

I gotta tag @zekepickleman and see if he'll make me a video of that.. you know, I've never heard that specific sound myself. A demonstration would be fantastic..

But then..

gently lifted up my left moob before letting it fall

Holy Shit. Sexual harassment? I better put this pudding down and tag @thelogicaldude.. he loves a good booby story.. although he does prefer pics...

As for the $90 program? Go buy a couple bottles of oil and check out the latest action on Pornhub.com... you'll get those biceps built in no time and...

You can invest the remaining $80 in HIVE.

Crypto Gains, mf'er. Haven't you been listening?

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Damn, crypto gains!!! I should have said that!

Ah, it's the holiday drinking. It's addling my brain already 🤣🤣

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I think two sessions for ninety dollars is a good deal.

Is the cartoon guy FED Chairman J. Powell?

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Lol, it's me, ir rather my head pasted on some random steampunk gentleman.

I've been going to the gym for years, I don't want to pay anyone for anything!

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What gains are you looking for mate?

Alt season and 10x.., that would get rid of him 😀..

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I should have thought of that. My brain is going holiday slow!!

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Greetings @meesterboom ,

What an interesting lead artwork...mood, style, colour...it has it all...thank you!

With regard to the story...we will not be able to say you didn't warn us about speaking to PTs...you have our attention to be sure...even to touch your arm would have been too familiar, but this action was over the top, OTT. Ole OTTO...

Lovely to hear from you before the end of the year....here's wishing you and your family a lovely Christ-mas and a steady New Year.

Kindest Regards,

Bleujay

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And lovely to hear from you too at this time. I hope you are all prepared for Christmas and that you have a very splendid time!

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Personal trainers are often the worst people at marketing lol. It sounds like this one is of the same crop. Although the cute women ones might get a little more luck!

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I did fall for one of the last ones before and my god she was brutal. It maybe it was because I was trying to show off when poor through my paces that I thought she was brutal 🤣🤣

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I can't blame the guy. Christmas season must be the slowest time for them since everyone is too busy stuffing themselves full. New year's is the best for them though, with all the new year's resolution to get fit and what not. Good on you for going to gym though, turn that Boomboob into a Boompec

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Hehe, I think that is exactly right. Must have been trying to drum up a bit of Christmas cash. Although as you say he will be fighting them off shortly as people try and shift the festive pounds!

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I'm not sure about that particular guy though. If that's how he approaches his possible clients, then I doubt he gets a lot of them haha.

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I am hopeful that he wouldnt be that kinda forward with a lady but you never know with some dudes these days

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My right eyebrow raised so sneeringly high that half a mile away a lady fell off her bike into a puddle.

I want to know how you know this.

Funnily enough eldest is considering becoming a PT because he likes giving health and nutrition information and helping people come up with exercise and diet plans that work for them XD

Unfortunately he didn't get into the TAFE course he wanted to make that happen.

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I want to know how you know this

Hahaha, it's like that ghost story where someone says, but if everyone died then how do you know what happened!! 😃😃

Aw, do you have to pass that thing to do it? I think over here you just need some muscles!

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Sibling dearest and I once read a creepypasta written in first person that ended "and I was never seen again" and we were both like "..."

I don't know if you have to pass that thing to do it, you just seem to need pieces of paper for everything over here unless it's a family business or you kind of accidentally trip and fall/get sucked into it (which is how we have our current jobs).

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Hahaha, those are the ones. The ones where you are like, well how the funk does that work!

Pieces of paper are the cuss of modern living! :OD

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maybe this is the exact reason which I try to dodge the gym so much or at least go when no one of those muscle airheads isnt there.

Personal trainer.. charging a 100 bucks to tell me what to lift and look down on me while doing so? No thanks airhead...

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It's the looking down on you bit that I really can't stand.

We don't all have jobs that allow us to spend all day in the gym!!

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Uhhh...id rather have 10 sorts or herpes than spending all day in the gym

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BoomBoob what next, now to stand there, coulda shoulda slugged him, two and a half?

!BEER Have a crazy happy holidays.

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Two and a half slugs on the chops I should have given him!! Lol

!BEER

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Showing worse evidence today being upended by my dog Saturday, can't blame him, it's the twat that stepped over him.... Do you thinks two and a half slugs enough?

OneEyedBandit.jpg

One eye bandit doesn't think so.... I am my own Christmas Tree all decorated for a couple of weeks. 🙃

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Hot damn Joan, say that isn't you. Does and their ability to weave between feet. They always seem to come out of it ok. Not so much the owners!

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Second round in my lifetime with furries, first a leg brace for weeks having to travel in plane for work in another city. This one a bob and weave, not a waltz.

Matching more today with other eye, at least I am able to open that bad one after walking around like a pirate without a patch.

Damn we definitely don't bounce....

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We certainly do not. I hope it gets better quickly!! Have you got witchhazel? It's great for bruising!

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Cutting fresh Aloe Vera from the garden for healing these devil eyes. Missed Halloween I guess... partially Zwarte Piet untitled.gif

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Speedy recovery wishes. And no treats for them dogs!

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What the hell? You should have charged him for the moob lift...scratch that, he would have wanted to trade you for a 'half session' lol

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Haha, turned it right round on him and demanded my 90 bucks for a boomboob feel :OD

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I guess now you're an entrepreneur lol

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I always knew I had it in me. I just needed someone like the Experminator to bring it out 🤣🤣

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(Edited)

LOL I keep hearing him in the Schwartzennegar voice

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Lol, that's exactly what I was thinking when he came over all bulging of the bicep;

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Well, next time you saunter over to your wife all bulging of the...whatever, you can whip out your Arnold and ask her if she would like to join your 'program'....(flip flip) ....Don't know how far that will get you though lol

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You know that sounds exactly like something I would do. And as expected the results are usually in the negative 🤣🤣

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Yes but you would have the satisfaction of having tried lol

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Good loves a tryer as they say. Wait, is it a tryer? A trier? Damn, I think I might be pished, I have forgotten how to spell!

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And you didn't tell the Experminator that you did squats earlier this year. That had to generate some muscle gain for you. Wait was it squats or planks, I'm losing my memory!

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It was pushups!!! Hehe, sadly I could probably be doing with getting some squats in. 😃😃

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Lol, too many zingers here as usual. Its hard to be in tip top shape Boom. My small frame has recently gained a bit of a belly, and since my vacation to Las Vegas a month ago, ive slowed on my workouts. Time to get back on the Horse bro....like the horse 🐎 the lady fell off of when your eyebrow sneered lol. Keep rockin Boom, merry Xmas and all good things.

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The horse... There is time to get van in that after the Christmas break!! 😃😃

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Here outside of this post.... I want to wish you a Merry Christmas, may GOD bless you always

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A very merry Christmas to you too my friend 🙂

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