Trout
On you go.
Johnny Baw the Security Guard ushered me past after staring at my security pass for about a minute as if he could see a map to getting out of his shitty job on it.
I made a chubbling farty noise with my lips as I went past.
Another office day. A day spent in the company of fanjanos and bleaty fucking sheep people.
I got the lift and made my way to the hotdesk with my name on it. We had fought long and hard against the hot desking but lockdowns and home working had finally given the company the power they needed to crush everyone's souls by not even giving them a desk of their own to shit at.
Now we had to book a desk in the janky poorly coded, online booking system.
This meant that no matter how you attempted to coordinate some good seating action with the few folk in the office you liked it rarely worked as everyone got shuffled around according to some arcane algorithm.
I pulled up short next to the desk with my number on it and sat down looking to see what joyous company I had today.
Morning Morning Morning!
Fuckity baws. It was Campbell. A flaccid buffoon who, like the soup, was anaemic and wet looking.
Mornin.
I grunted handsomely.
More people filed into the office and sat down around us. Each and every one of them a nob.
I put my head down and tried to ignore the rancid wankery of Office politics and hoped the day would fly by.
Hey! Are those new shoes?
Campbell interrupted my freshly started Excel shenanigans.
Huh? Oh yeah. Got them at the weekend.
I lifted a foot and moved it from side to side to show off my fancy new trainers.
I think you call them sneakers in the States... Why? Why so sneaky you have to have shoes named for it?
Fuck sake.
Campbell shook his head and looked around the desks nearby us. he had a smirky grin on his face as if he had just picked up a shit and bit into it gambling that it might have been a melty Snickers and his gamble had paid off.
I swear, mate. You spend more on shoes than my wife.
He chuckled and bobbed his head around like a pigeon playing poker with Leonardo DiCaprio.
That's because your wife is a Trout and they don't need shoes for their little fishy fins.
I sniggered at the thought of his fishy wife attempting footwear.
What? What did you say?
Campbell jerked upright in his chair as if piloting a deep water submersible for rich tourists and hearing a strange cracking noise coming from the rear.
I said your wife is a Trout.
I kept my face straight and calm as I spoke in case he thought I was joking.
Who's wife? My wife!?!
He seemed confused. I wondered if he was powered by AI.
You can't go around calling my wife a trout?
He held his hands out and stared at them then me in confusion as if he had just caught his wife's sister and was contemplating throwing her back in due to her small size.
Why not? I've met her remember?
Now it was my turn to smirk and I smirked it the best I could as if the famed secret council of Smirkians had just voted me in as President for a third term.
Buh? Buh?
Campbell looked bewildered and angry, like a dog who had just picked up a melty Snickers in its mouth in the hope that it was a shit only to find out that its gamble had not paid off.
Boomy, stop tormenting the staff.
El-Jefe's voice boomed out from a desk some three rows away.
I opened my mouth as if to protest and then closed it. Like Campbell's wife when the water in her tank needed changing.
I checked my watch.
Six hours left.
I looked over at Campbell and made a low trouting noise.
Fuck off.
He mouthed back.
I smiled, the day lay ahead, bright with Trouty opportunities.
https://twitter.com/lee19389/status/1673353056224788481
#hive #posh
I didn't know whether to laugh out loud or cuss at so many shit jokes you used here. But the trout jokes were the best. Don't know who to pity, Campbell or his trouty wife.
Always pity the trouty wife, after all, someone has chosen it as their love glove!
I can't help but imagine Campbell's wife as an actual trout, swimming around in a little fish tank with her fins flapping about, trying to squeeze into tiny fishy shoes. Talk about a fish out of water, quite literally! 😂😂😂
Campbell needed to bump you in the head on one of the office desk .. Damn
Funnily enough that is genuinely how I see her. I can imagine this fish trying to squeeze itself into a pair of heels 🤣🤣
Hahaha... Gosh... I'll say Campbell deserves what he got.. he literally asked for it when he tried to make fun of your shoes 😅😅
He did, you should never poke the shoe bear! 🤣
😂😂😂 He wasn't informed
At least you got that trout of your system...
It's all out. The trout, is out!
"the trout is out there"
Trout no one...
hahaha!
enjoy my view! just had two li'l beers and two nice savoury snacks in what is now my favorite bar
By the looks of it that would be my favourite little bar too!!
Wish I could teleport you here!
It works be the happiest disassembling and reassembling of my atoms I would ever have had!
Likely
and you said that it 'works' ;^)
Awesome!
STARTING TELEPORTATION SEQUENCE...
Engage!!!
I forgot to ask: did you receive my book yet?
Crikey, did you not get my peakd message? I got it the very next day!!!
Found it!
I wonder if I didn't check sting chat direct messages for 5 days.
Likely, as I have basically been living life, offline, for almost 5 days! Great news that it arrived :<)
None of my books got lost along the way. I'll take that as a sign of good fortune :<)
That is a very good sign!! I am glad you got it, I haven't been on the chat very much and was starting to doubt myself!!
👍🦖
I've heard people say we call shoes sneakers but I've never heard anyone call'em that. = }
Who has allowed this dangerous wordage in it's false attribution!! Never shall I believe in sneakers again!
And I've known some Campbells but none that resemble the can. Funny.
Oh, there are many!!! Damn their insipid wet eyes!
That's because California.
Does this mean I have my own human on demand music station?
Not really related but I like your picture it's so funny
Thank you, it amused me too!! :0)
As always you gave me a smile my friend!
However I can assure you that a pigeon would pluck the good Leo at poker!
He may be a good actor but he's a really bad player lol!
Then it's all "Spiderman" Maguire's fault, Leo didn't even want to play with it dehihihi!
However in the end the shit was shit and the sneaker... always shit turned out to be.
Did the day end well in the end?
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The day turned out to be a fine one. I made many a trout joke!! And the shit, was always the shit!! 🤣
Eh eh in the end the trout got what it deserved, it will think twice in the future before picking up shit hoping it's chocolate!🤣🤣🤣
If at least one trout learns a valuable lesson from this and it's saved then I can consider my work done!
I totally agree!
And besides, you know, every morning a trout gets up and knows that I'll have to go faster than Boomy ... and every morning aBoomy wakes up and knows that he'll feast on trout!
It's like having a personal trainer but made of tasty fish!!
Sneakers is by now a bit archaic. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone use the term in decades. It was common when I was younger but dinosaurs still walked the earth back then.
Damn it. I'm exposing the fragile foundation that all my American culture knowledge is based on Hardy boots books and eighties cartoons!!
How hungry would a person have to be to risk eating anything that they had even the slightest inkling that it could be shit?
Hungry or crazy! It's a mad world out there!! :0D
Haha well that is true
"Johnny Baw the Security Guard ushered me past after staring at my security pass for about a minute as if he could see a map to getting out of his shitty job on it."
Oh how I laughed!!!!!!!!!
I have had some run ins with these security guards at data centres over the years. Most of them are sound, but you get the occasional one who think they are in the secret service.. There was one lad in particular that used to melt my brain with pointless questions and looking for issues where there were none. Thankfully he didn't last very long at that DC..
That's exactly what they are like at my place. They think it is MI6 and they are the last bastion of defense against intruders!!
Half the time I don't actually think they know what the pass means, just to look enforcerish!!
Gobshites!!!
Gobshites in uniform, the worst kind!!
https://twitter.com/LovingGirlHive/status/1673387983469412354
Wow, these trout jokes are really hilarious and made me crack up in laughter really.
There is nothing funnier than a good old trout 😜
hahaa...gives new meaning to the term 'trout pout' lol
It does!!
Haha you need how popular they are becoming? Scary stuff!
Oh, you really said this on his face that his wife is a trout? :O
Yeah, he can take a joke though. Mostly 😀😀
A cold fish, that one? I've heard a lot of fish stories, but that takes the cake.
A cake that resembles a melted snickers!!
You mean flake right? Fishes eat flakes not cake! 😂😂😂😂 Ba dum Tssss!
From my colleagues perspective, I have worn the same shoes for 7+ years. I have size 12-wide feet. Which means ... most shoes look like clown shoes (in my opinion). So ... when I find shoes that fit and look reasonable, I tend to buy 2 or 3 pairs and leave the extras in the closet until the current pair wears out.
So I'll never have to offend my colleague about his wife being a trout. 'Cause he'll never know when I've changed shoes.
In Eastern Canada, calling someone "my Trout" is a term of endearment.
Newfinese Terms of Endearment
Source
Dare I ask what the term trout means to a Scotsman?
Lol! That makes me laugh. The drummer in my old band used to always ask how you doin me ol cock? Which sounded quite hilarious!!
And there you go, he should have been complimented!!!
I don't actually get new shoes much either. I think he was just being an opportunistic insulter!
Gone fishing? Sounds like you caught a whopper. Best to toss it back.
Being able to tolerate people you work with is a bonus, especially as you may see more of them than you do the family. Got to strike the right balance of respect and abuse.
It's didn't used to be so bad but we don't even sit in teams now. Apparently it would not be beneficial for the booking system!!
We still have our own desks, but there is a lot of spare space in the office. I see the same old faces, but most are okay really.
Yeah, if we were back in our teams it would be the same here but no no, they have to mix it up. Boo hiss
lol... anouther day in the office.
Perfect for a Monday post! Thanks for the laughs.
Yar welcome. Anything to interrupt the tedium of a Monday!!!
Lol the way you mock your colleagues you have some serious balls man. Office politics hey, makes you feel like you always loose the sneaker gamble.
I'm interested to know how many people you like in the office. You only tell us about the weirdos. Though campbell is probably the nicest name you called anyone this far!
Hehe, it is quite a nice hand for a change!!
I do get on with quite a few of the good folk but it's not so funny to write about that! 😀😀
Yeah hey, people that are annoying seems to bring the best out in one. I do remember there more personalitirs that annoyed me at work compared to alliances made. But such is office life!!!
An office life is a hard one indeed!! I pity the young ones who are starting out and have only ever known remote working, they will flounder a bit!
As soon as your post comes and I start reading, I get a smile on my face and the way I was reading today's post, you have put the fun in the post and I am so happy.
26 ago today we friends also went for fishing in the same way but none of us friends were experts and within three hours we could not catch even a single fish because there were less fishes then we too. Had a lot of laughs this way.
Haha, I too have been fishing and caught virtually nothing! Still, they have been fun days 😀
Were you tormenting Campbell is it true his beloved snacks on bait? Poor guy, I have to wonder what the allure was.
Whoever dreamed up the hotdesk never had to work with it. Having to readjust and get comfortable over and over again just isn't conducive to working. Let's vote on it.
I want a vote on it. I like having my desk set up just so and having to come in odd days mean a million and one folk have adjusted the seat and moved things about.
The worst though is not really feeling like I'm in a team anymore as I did in a sea of no-one, grrr.
Maybe that's why Campbell was getting it
The seat!!!!! It is all about the dang seat! Just when you get your seat adjusted how you like it, it is pulled out from under you.
No team ranks right up there. It was better telecommuting than this! They have taken the joy out of working in so many places.
I hope you have found something redeeming about it.
Maybe I shouldn't say this, but where I'm from we gut trout with a pair of sheers, roll them cornmeal, and flash fry to crispy.
That's exactly how trout should be done. Perhaps he has better say goodbye to his wifey!!
YUM! I have the worst craving for fresh caught trout. I should have said nothing.
😂 That's a mighty fine idea.
It's time to sate them hungers!! :0D
No such luck here unless I want to eat some toxic highly polluted questionable mutant species I find in the city creeks, rivers, or lake.
Ewwwwwwwwwww....
"Campbell jerked upright in his chair as if piloting a deep water submersible for rich tourists and hearing a strange cracking noise coming from the rear."
😮 No you didn't !!!
Your post made me laugh !! ....and I needed that since I just checked out of work. Ya'll sound like a room full of school boys. Seems like Mr Trout-for-a-wife would know he couldn't get the best of you by now.
We are a bit schoolboyish in my work. I think it's because there is a visible lack of bosses that count and we get so bored!!
Gotta have the current events in a post 😱
A trout isn't so bad. He should be happy you didn't play your whole hand. You could have hit him with tadpole, or leech or something. I'm sure there is something nice to be said about trout - this Campbell guy clearly needs to work on his optimism ;)
Funny you should say that about shoes. When I was a kid my mom called them "tennis shoes." Who plays tennis? No one. They aren't tennis shoes. Maybe athletic shoes would be more appropriate? Only people seem to wear them often when they are not athletic. I hate all the names for them. Maybe we should just call them trout.
He does need to work on his optimism. At least I didn't say sea-cow or anything horrid!!
Trout shoes. I wonder if it could take off? Hehe. We called ours sandshoes when we were young. No idea why, there was no hint of sand in my upbringing!! 🤣
Sandshoes. That is interesting. I suppose it is about as rational as tennis shoes.
There is probably a hidden marketing team somewhere that exist just to take the piss and have a laugh in charge of shoes
isn't trout a fish?
Lol. It totally is 😀
Haha, this post had me chuckling from start to finish! Your witty and humorous writing style is simply hilarious. I can totally relate to the frustration of hot-desking and the absurdity of office politics. It's like being surrounded by a sea of bleaty sheep people indeed! The way you described Johnny Baw the Security Guard and his disdain for his job was spot on. And Campbell, the flaccid buffoon, made for a great source of entertainment. Your banter about shoes and his wife being a trout had me in stitches. Keep up the fantastic storytelling, and I hope your day of Trouty opportunities turned out to be surprisingly delightful!
Thank you! I do like to share a tale of office work. There just doesn't seem to be enough of them these days.
That's why I try to cause my own 😀😀
After WFH, the funny office time stories are becoming tales of the past.
Yes, every day used to be an office day and now there is just one or two a week. I do love working from home but social interaction is limited!
So...there was no retort for El-Jefe? Did you issue-forth a trouting noise in his general direction at least? Please tell me you did so I can sleep easy tonight knowing your meesterboomyness is intact. He deserved it...El-Jefe. He always does.
Becca 🌷
Oh yes, a trouting noise was issued!
Fortunately there are few that know the noise of a trout so I was safe from any further El-Jefe nonsense :0D
I've been pacing back and forth since making that comment in impatience for your response, it could have been a long day. Fortunately I'll sleep like a baby now, knowing El-jefe was issued his, well-earned, trouting noises.
Becca 🐟
Lol, you have earned the immediate response badge!
El-Jefe will not sleep so easy with his duly issued trouting!
My dear friend, I tell you that when I worked in the oil industry our desks were literally separated by a partition where everything was heard, you couldn't vent anything personal because everyone listened to everything, even your gases hahaha, and even tolerate work neighbors who didn't like me because they were very inquisitive.
Fortunately, that was changing until I got promoted and the only thing I changed was the size of the desk and a bigger partition...lol....
I always resorted to plan B to go to the bathroom or out of the office to be able to give a personal message, and even the private work things only in the meeting room, I think it was the only "private" thing...
Receive a strong and warm hug 🤗
Hugs to you!!
We don't even have partitions now. I have to arrange my monitors like done kind of barrier!!
But our desks are pretty big which is one plus!
Large desks are an advantage, and placing the monitors with your back to your office neighbors, God how complicated it is to work like that, at least one partition makes the difference, but the good idea is that placing barriers is a good psycho-idea friend...visual wall monitors.👌🙌
I much preferred real offices rather than open plan. Modern living!
That's Moderna life and all stuck in the same place, smelling our stomach gases, haha...oh, my God. That's what the new organizational socialization is about so that behavior conforms to corporate plans, almost always in one way.
Nowadays, very few companies do it thinking about human resources.
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