Tell No One
Boss Man, you got anything you need done?
I twirled a pen through my fingers as if I was actually going to write something by hand.
El-Jefe looked up from his laptop, his eyes rimmed red as if he had been rubbing them on an Ocelot's shoulder.
What do you mean?
He frowned, a dangerous activity for such a plump man as the blubber on his face teetered on the edge of avalanche.
What do you mean, what do I mean? I mean I don't have much work at the moment so I am asking if you have anything you need done.
I held myself back from spearing him with my pen like the great walrus hunters of the frozen wastes.
There must be something you can pick up, the month-end stuff??
El-Jefe looked nervous which was unusual for him as he did not usually conform to such human ways.
It's not the month end and I have cleared everything. I have absolutely nothing to do.
I pursed my lips and made a tiny little miniature man fart noise.
El-Jefe shivered as if Doris at the Kebab shop was inviting him around for some brunch again. He stood up and looked furtively around him before beckoning with his finger.
Say nothing. Follow me.
He got up and marched off to the fire exit stairs with a stride that could dry washing.
Bemused I followed. He was acting a bit odd, the Heffalump. Odder than usual at least. Now that I thought about it he had been this way for a while. I had put it down to him eating too many cheesy hot dogs before bedtime but it seemed that might only be part of the issue.
At the fire exit, he held the door open for me, staring left and right as he did so like a cheap hero in an even cheaper movie closing the gates against the hordes.
The door closed with a soft budumph.
What's this all about, Boss-Man?
I made to say more but El-Jefe made a shushing motion and pointed up the stairs.
Let's go to the roof. It's safer there.
He thudded up the stairs like a nightmarish printing press made of lard.
I huffed and followed. After a few flights to the backdrop of El-Jefe's thunderous wheezing, we reached the top which opened out onto a landing of sorts. El-Jefe whipped around to face me, almost knocking me off my feet with one of his moobs.
You can't say you have nothing to do?! I mean it. Don't say it in the office.
His voice somehow managed to screech and whisper at the same time.
Eh, relax, Boss-Man. I just want to get some work to be getting on with. Why the panic?
I pulled my pen back out of my pocket and gave it a nibble.
El-Jefe leaned close to me, close enough for me to smell the cheesy after-scent of his prior evening's entertainment.
You must have seen them? The guys in the suits? They are contractors. Looking for efficiencies. So you can't say you have nothing to do or...
El-Jefe mimed a throat-cutting motion.
Calm down man. I am fairly sure that we are safe. They need us to do all the donkey work managing the outsourced shit.
I tried to sound confident but felt a little tickle of fear.
El-Jefe's eyes grew large and he shook his head.
Keep an eye out for them... and remember... Look busy!
If this was a cheap movie he would have disappeared after such a warning but sadly it was real life and I had to watch him flollop down the stairs like a sad seal.
I shook my head and followed him, drama fucking queen, I thought to myself.
Later in the midst of pretending to do work, I got up to the water cooler and started filling my bottle.
Oh, hello. Sorry, we haven't met. What's your name?
A chirpy-looking dolt in a tight-trousered suit interrupted my water bottle filling. I had never seen him before.
James Cameron. You?
I answered with one of my smiles that makes fallopian tubes quiver.
Simian, pleased to meet you James. I am sure I will see you around.
Simian gave me a calculating look before walking off and I stared after him.
Hmm, this must be one of the tadgers El-Jefe was talking about.
I nodded grimly.
Game on.
https://twitter.com/lee19389/status/1679425647758696448
#hive #posh
I used to work with a Simian. Not a common name.
I am actually a contractor, so I need to justify myself in the office. Mind you, some of managers are contractors too.
I hardly write anything by hand these days. With my hand nerve issues by handwriting is even crapper than ever anyway.
I dont reallt write much either. Everything is through screens and when I find I have to use a pen my handwriting is attrocious and that's without hand issues!
We used to have a minority of contractors versus permits but now its like 80% outsourced "partners", 10% contractors and the remaining dribbles are permanent. It feels harsh that they would cull that number but its not out of the realms of possibility!
It's mostly contractors on our little team. I might consider a permanent position if it were offered as this job suits me so well. I think it's just easier for the management to justify taking on contractors than to get new permies.
It always has been easy in the IT game. I did it myself years ago. Most of my friends who were contractors for a long time have taken permie jobs as they get on a bit so they can chill and not chase contracts so much
I have not even heard this name so far. The closest name I heard so far is Simeon. A character's name in GTA V.
I think they are variations of the same name, or their parents could not spell Simon :)
Might I suggest walking around with a clip board all day? Of course, you'd have to arrange your face into something that resembles consternation, concentration, evaluation, any one of the fucken "nations" will do. If you move fast enough, but not too fast, you'll find that people will assume you're doing something incredibly important and will leave you the fuck alone. Knowing you though, the way you put in 113% all the time, your clip-board-nationing will get your a pay rise.
My first thought was a clipboard!!! It is the standard nobody questions a man with a clipboard thing!
A payrise and a bit of exercise. That will work wonders for me! :OD
It's on mate, and those tight-pants-wearing busybodies can go fish elsewhere.
I have never seen such tight tight trousers! The man was literally standing on what looked like toothpicks!
Every day is leg day bro...seems like that chap missed the memo.
I have actually noticed that with the young uns that they are all this ridiculous V shape because they never do legs lol!
Lucky legs. Lucky they don't snap off and stick up their arse.
Does AI make muscley legs? Hopefully because it seems leg day is not well regarded by the young ones these days. While it's at it, AI should make manners and work ethic for them too.
AI should do everything. Hell, with the amount of emails I get from Google about their AI I think that is the way it is going. Soon there will be no legs, just data!
Here's to AI doing everything for us and having no need for legs. Think of how much we'll save by not having to buy trousers, socks and shoes. We'll all be millionaires.
I'd say, I like your comment, but eventually there'll be some AI to say that for me so I'll not waste my breath.
One day the AI will reach the pinnacle of saying Nice post and then we will know that they have reached true sentience
Did you know AI took over blurt?
A - Assholes
I - Idiots
Fuck man, AI is everywhere.
Haha, It could also be an AD - Artificial Dummy... or ASS Artificial Stupidity System. Lol
That place still cracks me up. I dont think anything happens there anymore. Its ded :OD
What? Nobwhingikg about Hive over there? Well, that was what it was all about I guess, so if they've stopped, what more is there?
There aint much left for them when there is no frothing about how unfair and mean Hive is. lol!
That's a genius plan..
I have moments of brilliance, but am mostly a knucklehead.
Oh, fuck! I am not sure I can get this typed out I am laughing so hard. That said, I have stood across from people like that before feeling similarly.
Keep us updated as the drama unfolds.
I will keep you updated on the spearing, or hopefully lack of! :OD
Ima use that one next time I get pulled over.
I witnessed some of that thundering wheezing yesterday! Shit was crazy. She had to rest at like three different lobby chairs between the entrance door and front desk. The way she was gasping and purple and choking, I thought it was watching someone die.
Nobody seemed to be alarmed, though, totally normal for 500+ pounds to be on the brink of death like that I guess so I just watched.
She was still alive when I left.
It is totally normal isnt it? More and more I am seeing half-tonners wheeze and gasp as they fill the kettle or walk to the toilet as if they are doing a marathon and I think, fark, is this ok now?!
Welcome to the 21st century! :OD
Dude check this out.. I've been wording a piece in my head about how fuckin massive they are in The South, no other way to put it. I've been collecting images.
Double-seats. Not just a couple, either, like every other seat!
And I've seen even the doubles barely able to accommodate the intravenous gravy consumers.
Bloody hell. There was a part of me that always wondered if they would start putting wide seats out in places because some of the arses I have seen cannot physically fit in the seats we have. That answers it!
The world is a changin!
Some doodles on paper, a smiley or two, swiftly flip page over motion should the suits arrive.
You will smell/hear tadgers approach, discomfort level 💯 spying...
@tipu curate
Upvoted 👌 (Mana: 59/69) Liquid rewards.
I am a master of the doodly schmoodly on paper. I once got caught doing a full A4 drawing ina meeting which was quite embarrassing. In my defense the meeting was a two hour job and was as dry as ditchwater!
Omg, the cock of a cat, with thorns all over hahah first time I see the word "tatgers"... and if that kind of character always appears in the company, the subcontractors who come to look at it and find out everything want to knock heads in the management.
You, my dear Sir, fortunately, are always very clear about your position and role in your work, I think that the one who is the most scared is your boss, suddenly the replaceable one is him and the one who is promoted to is you, so let's get to work. You are doing very well, as always.
A strong and warm hug my dear Sir.😎🙌
I think he is scared. Unfotunately it is an infectious thing!
Hehe, I do like the word Tadger. It amuses me no end :OD
It is natural that your boss feels this way, he should have more information about these people who somehow came to evaluate the performance of those who are active.
You will already see how excellence arises, in the team, sometimes the threat is necessary to get ahead and that is what they do solely and exclusively, to sell in the business.
Don't get infected by their fear, you have good habits, and the ability to do what you have to do.🙌
Hehe, he has no informartion on anything. Literally blunders about from day to day crashing into things.
Thank you missy, I shall remain free of fear and continue to float above it all!
Uncertainty always shows off doubt, and misinformation arrives to search for feasible answers...
Thank you, my dear Sir, fear is also a good ally and allows us to see opportunities.
Have the best day possible.😎🌞
My dau shall be shining and splendid. I hope yours is too! :O)
Thank you so much, as well to you...🤗
They're hiring simians now, wearing monkey suits? I guess someone filling a water bottle is a clear sign of lack of of productivity ;^)
Were you afraid that 'The Blob' was gonna try to man boob-swing you off the roof of the office building?
I was almost afraid that he was going to try worse with his man-boobs :OD
Simians are all the rage. Cheap and cheerful and only occasionally throw a rage and start flinging shit around so a step up from your average IT professional hehe
I don't even wanna know. I make sure I'll never get man boobs myself. No need for me to throw my 'weight' around.
At least the simians are a step up. The next step for them is to loosen their pants.
I once almost had some man boobs but I actually cut back on the food to scare them away. I don't want to be thumping people with bits of my body that aren't meant to thump people!!
You know that thing in clichè movies where the guy gives an ominous warning to the protagonist and when he turns back, the guy's disappeared. Sad really.
I think schooling your features into a semblance of deep thinking and nodding your head from time to time like you've just struck a major idea would do the trick.
It does do the trick. I think that is how I have got through most of my career in working. Much nodding and staying silent more than necessary makes people think that there are deep machinations going on in my head :OD
Lmao. But there aren't many deep machinations, I take it.
There are but they are rarely work related! Lol
Who would name their child Simian? It's a good thing you didn't have a banana in your pocket!
I hear alot of people talking about shut downs and lay-offs. Keep your hands busy (not in your pockets) and it might not hurt to carry that banana with you ;-)
My hands will now officially never be in my pockets and I am thinking I might work from home a bit more so I can skive but with the golden shine of looking as if I am working loads. Its rubbish in the office as they can see you!
Uh oh ! Well... I can tell by your stories that you are a good actor, so I know you've got this on the "pretend to be working" thing.
I wish I was just pretending to work....LOL We are short staffed and our work has been piled up so bad we have been doing mandatory over-time for the last couple of years. Still.... I am in A/R and I have quietly noticed suspicious things about our A/P for a few months. First, there was no longer a phone number to their customer service that would let us or our customers speak to an agent, but only a message giving email and fax. What ?? .....now we are holding work we are getting in our department that we normally forward to A/P, being told not to use that email anymore till further notice, so anything we've gotten has been sitting there for over a month. I'm thinking we are outsourcing that department, but nobody is saying anything. Of course if that is so, one would wonder when A/R goes next. Another company bid for our A/R biz 8 or 9 years ago, but didn't get it. You just have to know other companies are still trying to take it.
Until then, there is no "pretending to work" around here !
That was wild to be invited to the roof just for it to be said out loud.
I am indeed a good actor so I have no worries in that regard, hehe.
Isn't that the worst when they are obviously doing something with a team or an entire department but they don't tell anyone and then everyone is in the dark and sometimes you don't know what to say or do? Also, it does get you antsy for your own job! I bloody hate that mandatory overtime lark. I was doing that a couple of years ago and it was shite!
The roof is cool, a bit like a movie scene being way up there!
If only there had been an elevator ride to that roof instead of a stair climb....LOL
I don't want to quit my job as much as it aggravates me, but... you know, if it were to disappear in a way that wasn't my fault.......😆
It just wouldn't have been secret squirrel enough for him to just message me or whisper it or something. He lives a bit of stairwell/rooftop drama. I suspect it is the highlight of his life!
I'm with ya on the disappearing that wouldn't be my fault. That would be bloody magic get the boot with a payoff!
to be continued
The best stories always are! :o)
What's wrong with writing things by hand? Is your grocery list digital? What about the inside of a birthday card.. is that digital.. please tell me I'm not the last of my kind..
Aye man, I write my grocery list on my phone!
Just about the only thing I still write is birthday cards and you should see the state of my out of practice writing. Its shambolic!
so quill and ink bottles are out then?
there goes your Christmas present
Damn, wouldn't they be a nice present. The kids could look and imagine how it was in ye olde days 😀😀
Haaaaaaa , you can handle the ones in suits, they usually instill fear, well your boss was already scared haaaaaa, but you 'll know how to handle it, you just have to be as serious as they are haaaaaa.
I wish you a happy day
Always beware the men in suits. I learned that from the MAtrix!
Happy day right back atcha mate! :OD
Despite all his faults its nice that El Jefe is looking out for you and giving you a heads up on the goings on in the office.
Smart idea giving a fake name. 🥸
Haha, he thinks he is looking out for me but he is looking out for the man who did all his donkey work!! Self preservation!
Oh haha, yeah good point.
He needs you to make him look good and to justify himself.
I hope so at least. Otherwise we are both out of the door!
I like the clipboard idea a lot... until one of the contractors asks you about your job. That is terribly suspicious to me, you know? They don't really need those busybodies analyzing their company, but it is possible that another company hired them to check how productive their force is.
Makes me feel uncomfortable and slightly distrustful. El Jeffe bringing you up to the roof feels a little I spy... I'm just happy they don't track real-time locations and activities. Boy, my imagination can grow on this one!
I always think it is crazy that they are worried about money and productivity and therefore splurge a gigantic wad of cash on a private contractor to come in and spy and tell them no doubt what they already know!
The mind boggles when you go down the I Spy route. Mines does! :0D
Mine does too! Imagine the possibilities!! Wait! I'll let you do that! Your imagination is far wilder than mine could ever be!
It can be wild indeed! I remember watching Scrubs and the guy in that always had these fantasy dream like alternate scenarios playing out in his head and I was like, holy quack, that's me!
Lol
I wonder how I would have felt if I was your boss
I would have been very scared
He might be but not at much as me being taken to a secluded spot by him. He might have got his wanger out! 🤣🤣
Would they catch on if you say you're filling out the new cover sheets for your TPS reports?
You know, I doubt they actually would. Lol!!!
I'd have fuck all to do but invent shit that looks good a like a Forms app that automates SCCM imports. Without that I would be bored shitless. You have to create something that does something that gives us dudes even LESS shit to do... hehe..
I know!! It's like becoming quite exacting trying to come up with ways to look hugely busy doing what we do which isn't a busy looking task anyway!
It's easier when you are WFH, are they forcing you go in in xx days a week?
It's meant to be two days a week now but they have had to backpeddle because they got rid of one of our offices and the office remaining isn't big enough for more than half the workforce at a time so some of us get to go in one day a week. Which is doable, but I must prefer no days a week!!
You still fully WFH?
I wish..., 3 days in the office.., torturous.
Ooft. It's a pain isn't it? The thing I gate the most is the feeling of having to behave and just not being able to be fully yourself. Yuk
Hm, somehow I've felt a mysterious sensation entering my brain.
Somewhere outside the trees whispered: "Thursdays with Uncle Boom." There's this vibe, a je ne sais quoi thing.
Them suits won't like it up 'em, no Sir, they won't like that cold blade up 'em.
Of course the world will never know, because a gentleman never tells.
After my years of service ... I would be wondering ... how much is the severance?
Would it be enough to retire and get a part time gig stocking shelves at the beer store?
Just think, you and Bear man. Stocking shelves and getting early access to everything.
The severance is pretty good. Not good enough to retire early or eke out a loving even with a little beery type job although that would be fab. I think if that happened the good lady would be getting an extension to the house with it and farming me out to the highest bidder. Sob!
😁😁😁
Ah yes the auld contractors... The big corporations seem to love that model these days, eh... Easy and cheap to get rid of but very pricey wages wise...
Simian... Some name ..
reminds me of tunes a friend used play at parties years ago called Simian Mobile Disco.... Good auld tunes actually... Here's one from them... Racey video and banger of a tune..
James Cameron 🤣 Well, I think the game is a foot now. The fuckers have no idea what they're in for.
As for the seal in the room, well, El Jefe needs to also find some more of that cheesy entertainment and leave you to your domain.
Looking forward to the next installment.
James Cameron is great. It sounds quite Scottish so when speaking to an English person and telling them its your name, they dont even blink :OD
I hope the next instalment has jet packs and Super villains, hehe
Jet packs and super villains? I can't wait. I know it will be a good one.
😀
You can't say that man! Simian is going to be onto you like a stripper on a pole!
Did you really say James Cameron? Are you planning to sink this ship!
!LOLZ
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He just needed a little space.
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@meesterboom, I sent you an $LOLZ on behalf of mimismartypants
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ENTER @WIN.HIVE'S DAILY DRAW AND WIN HIVE!
Hehe, I did. I only go in one day a week. He will never know who I am and I am on holidays for two weeks after this :OD !LOLZ
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@mimismartypants, I sent you an $LOLZ on behalf of meesterboom
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ENTER @WIN.HIVE'S DAILY DRAW AND WIN HIVE!
https://twitter.com/lee19389/status/1679808215335288832
#hive #posh
Why is it that El-Jefe always reminds me of the shop keeper in Mr Benn? Please tell me he sports a fez?
Hahaha!!! Mr Ben, sheer class!! I got my kids to watch that and I don't think they were got the same magic. Buggers.
Maybe I will get him a fez 🤣🤣
I always read you I couldn't comment, it's been days that saying "running" would be an understatement lol!
Anyway, I thought that something needed to be done here, are you sure these guys in suits aren't reptilian infiltrators?
If You give the order the anti-lizard squad comes and without even being seen makes them disappear, we're fucking lizard-killing ninjas, you know! ;-)
I think they are. I am going to have to shine the lizard killing ninja torch from the roof of the building and initiate a disappearing!!