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You know that Toilet seat that we bought, can you fit it soon please? The old one is horrible?

The Good Lady waved in the direction of the toilet as she spoke. Her face was crinkled with disgust as if the toilet seat were carved of the bloody stick-like bones of the bloggers who had migrated to Blurt.

Erm, I am not sure. I have a lot on.

I burbled from nearby trying to stay out of her sight so that she couldn't see my lying face.

The door of the bedroom I was hiding in thumped open and the Good Lady stood within its frame like some kind of face-eating monster from a Polish B-movie.
I say that like there are A movies in Poland, lol!

Are you frightened of replacing the Toilet seat?! You have been dodging this one for months?!

She snorted and growled low in her throat as is ready to pounce on me and shag the life out of for being a poor Handy-Man.

There are worse fates it is true but I was not yet ready to meet my maker.

Of course I am not scared to replace the damn thing. How hard can it possibly be, pfft?

I scoffed as if the man at the Ramen Cafe had tried to convince me to buy the Number 7 Noodle again.

I think you are, this is what you do when you don't want to do a house'y job. You dodge and hide and pretend you have a million other things on. I mean, is it not an easy thing to do?

By now the Good Lady was in the room with me, aggressively folding a pair of leggings.

It's totally easy, barely an inconvenience. I will bloody do it right now.

I dodged around her and headed off to get my tools.

Truth be told, I had been dodging this job. I didn't like doing toilet jobs. I mean doing a shit in a toilet was just about passable but fixing toilety things? Weren't there dudes you could pay to cavort about in your toilet for you?

Oh well. I trotted off to get my tool bag.

Mere moments later, I was creeping up the stairs and edging my head around the toilet door.

Everything was quiet and perfectly still. There was a dying fly buzzing around in a half-hearted circle on the floor near the toilet of dark forebodings and I thought, what a neat summation of life itself. Twisting around dying on the floor of existence whilst attempting to dodge the shits from Giants above.

But similar to masturbation, there is a time and a place for philosophy and the toilet ain't it.

Ten minutes in and I was lying on my back under the porcelain seat weeping fat tears of frustration as I struggled desperately to loosen the wingnuts of despair that fastened the toilet seat to the bowl.

Why won't you fucking move?!

I growled through gritted teeth.

With a jerk the wingnut I had been wrestling with loosened and a small cascade of brown muck fell on my face.

I gagged and threw myself to my feet spinning around in circles wishing, like the fly, that I could just die.

There was to be no such sweet release and after rinsing my mouth with fourteen gallons of water I got stuck back in.

Much wrestling and fiddling with little rubber widgets as if I were in a bizarre porn movie for midgets I was done.

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I tramped downstairs and announced my victory to the Good Lady.

Oh look at you!

She cooed.

You look very proud of yourself! Are you? Are you proud?

She gave me a hug and pulled back to look at me, her face beaming.

As if I would be fucking proud of that. It's only a toilet seat?!

I huffed contemptuously at the idea of being proud of such a thing.

But as I boffed my tools away I realised...

I kind of was.



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147 comments
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this could have been so much worse! but your new thrown looks good. Just make sure the little dude doesn't piss on the seat. the wooden ones soak up the piss --- fuuucck i have a bad story about these seats that id rather not share! I do not want to relive it. Now I lost my appetite for the rest of the day, just thinking about it. My diet thanks you!

!LOL

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Hahaha! I have a bad feeling about the wooden ones and their absorbent capacity!

It looks nice this one but I dont think I like the solidness of the wood. I preferred the plastic one we had before!

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There is a reason why peg legs have been swapped out for prosthetics! Imagine how nasty a pirate's peg leg would smell!

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Oh lordy. I can imagine! I can imagine it also being quite handy in a pirate scrap! Not so handy in the bedroom. :OD

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bwahahhahahahah! Perhaps that pirate daddy-o has some moves we can only dream of. Angry Season 9 GIF by Shameless

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Harhar, it looks like his skateboard has run away from him! :OD

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How much I like the Good Lady! 😁

the toilet of dark forebodings

😂

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She is a good lady indeed :OD

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I know you are very proud of her, more so than changing the toilet seat. 😁

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Yes indeed. I think she outranks it by a mile! hehe

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If you say otherwise you're in big trouble 😉/
Looking forward to a new installment of this saga.

Thank you and have a nice day.
🙃🙂

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If you say otherwise you're in big trouble

Lol, exactly!

I hope you have a lovely day too!

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I was wondering why he was skeptical to fix it at first, not him being proud after he has fixed it.
At least the lady didn’t pounce on him.

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So. A proper tool or prodding around with long nosed pliers? Lol

It's a bastard job so be proud...that urine infested dusty rust is bad news!

Whisky will take away the taste, and that toilet seat probably won't need replacing again in your lifetime!

Hope you're well and the wife was proper grateful!

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Alrighty dude! I only had to get the pliers to loosen the buggers. They were jammed solid and I found that fostering around under there was not nice at all!

It had better last a lifetime, or at least five years or so! lol. Whisky ahoy!

Hope yo are well too mate!

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Well thanks, but having to actually work. It's hard, isn't it? Not sure I like it very much!

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Actually working sucks. I am not impressed with it at all. Everyone is checking their retirement calculators in work and thinking exit plans and I am sitting thinking, maybe being a dosser in a band for ten years wasn't the best choice... lol!

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Haha...look into the eyes of those who weren't in a band and who will be putting in 40+ years....their souls were slowly eaten away over the decades of drudgery! Life without sex, drugs and rock and roll ain't life ;-)

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I couldn't agree more! I do still cubicle inwardly when hearing all the earnest tales from someone about how crazy uni was and think that's it? Your teenage years were the height of the madness? Oh dear!

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Haha, you are just full of drama and the Good Lady knows that too. You are indeed proud and, I can't help getting this words off my mind;

There was to be no such sweet release and after rinsing my mouth with fourteen gallons of water.

It is very hilarious 😂.

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That is exactly what it is. I just cant help being full of the drama over normal things, lol! :OD

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🤣🤣🤣. Sure you can. I always love your story technique.

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Good job dude. 5 Stars. Would Wood shit again.

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There aint no shit like the wooden shit! :OD

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Imagine the inventor of the wooden toilet seat for a moment. Some guy out in the bush, staring at a tree and thinking, "I need to find a way to shit inside of that thing if it's the last thing I do."

I'm so happy we have people like that in this world.

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Those kind of people are the ones we rely upon. The ones that look at something and immediately imagine how good it would be if they could shit in it.

Thats how we will be getting people on Mars. Some bright spark saw it in the night sky and thought. I need to find some way of getting people to shit on mars...

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I hope someday we can get at least some of the shit off the Earth.

That toilet seat is quite the inspiration. I just realized we could probably save the planet along with a few birds maybe if we build a shit ring around the planet like Saturn has. It could cast a shitty shadow over the equator and save the day.

And I wonder happens if you shit in a black hole. Would it just come out of your ass again?

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I think when you shit in a black hole it goes through and comes out the other side in the future and then hits you square in the face. This is what underpins all of the great religions and beliefs in the world. Like Karma!

I am all for getting that ring around the earth. I dont fancy installing it though :OD

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Look at that. We discovered the origin of, "Today was a shitty day."

That was almost too easy.

And yeah. I wouldn't want to be in charge of that operation. One wrong move and it'll be a shit storm for sure.

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A whole different kind of climate emergency!

Tomorrow we can cover, why life smells of blueberries

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That'll be a tough one but I'm game. I'm all about adding value to the chain. That's why they call me Mister Gain. Refuse to stay in my lane. Flushing that shit down the drain. Solving mysteries isn't lame. I don't know why I'm rhyming again.

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Rhyming is where its at, I always say that. Especially on chain where things can be lame except where there is blame flung out like dollar shame lighter me up like a flame then I'm gone.. again

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Pondering...., why the fricken hell would you lie under, work from above..., feel your way around?

Make the good lady feel like you did a magic trick, did you tell her about the tid- bits as well.

Poo gorgeous poo the throne is waiting to be christened !LUV is what to good lady need to know !LOLZ

!WINEX to rinse with too early for whisky or beer.

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Even though I am renowned for my gymnastic ability, I could feel the nuts but couldn't get at them until I slid under and had a right good ferret about. I could see them as well which I needed!

I think that thing has been christened too much! LOL!

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Confounded tasks we have to do when we not so agile, well it's all towards good purpose allowing restful moments going forward. 🤣

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Yeah, I dont like getting down on all fours let alone sliding about floors with pliers in hand!

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(Edited)

Ack, we also need ours changing. It moves around when you place your arse on it. Maybe a little tightening would do the trick!

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Thats what ours did! For the moment the new one is holding strong but they all start shifting after a bit.

It has a soft close though, I feel like I have travelled forward into the future :OD

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I don't prefer a toilet seat which doesn't have the bidet pipe 😄

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I dont think I have ever used a bidet! :OD

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Very useful, no need a toilet paper 😄

Wave Media

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Oh, I see it!! Like a hidden webcam!

That would be useful, toilet paper is becoming very expensive!

Is the water not cold though?

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Depends on where the tap is connected.

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True. Cost of hot water versus cost of toilet paper. Its a tough one!

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Those fucken wingnuts from hell! I've had a similar experience but, due to my immense Incredible Hulk-like strength, those little fuckers broke off complicating what should have been a simple job. WTF. We can send rejects over to Blurt with relative ease, why the fuck can't someone come up with a. Easier toilet seat retention situation. Damn those wingnuts.

And here you are making it look easy, not that getting a load of brown goo in the face is ever really easy.

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Hehe, one of mine half broke off and I had that sinking feeling in my gut of oh noes. What if I have to go back and say I couldn't do it!!!

We can flush em to Blurt! :OD :OD

I can make anything look easy, next up. A light bulb changing :OD

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Oh yeah, the light bulb swap out is surely going to cement your place in the annals (two N's because one spells anals) of home handymanliness. I did the fix sticking gate job last week, earned enough credit to last weeks!

Those wingnuts man, seriously those fuckers are worse than Blurt. Ok, not really, nothing is that bad.

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Fixing a sticking gate rawks! A task worthy of a Titan!

Nothing is that bad but wingnuts come close. Still a mile off but close, lol.

I must plan my next hervulanean task to cement my annals :OD

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Titans fix gates, it is known.

Concrete annals man, it is the only annals to have.

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I have fixed a gate myself! Wooden one, quite easy. Not sure I would measure up to the metal gate titanic task!

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A Titan, such as yourself, would look at that gate and it would be motivated enough to fix itself, just from a look. I can only imagine what the laydeez feel when you give that look.

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Most of them fall over. Those are the lucky ones...

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Lol...weak at the knees falling over I have to assume you mean. Swooning.

You're a fucken life taker and heart breaker my friend...as any Titan should be.

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Life taker and heart breaker, that sounds bloody awesome!!

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No matter which way you look at it, bloody awesome is the only possible description.

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Oh man, I always laugh when I read your posts XD

It's normal to be proud of that, you've done what a man should do, you've done it like a man. I hail you!

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We will see if it survives the test of being sat on for years on end. I dont want one that squidges about! :OD

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Oh she's a real beauty! I imagine you've taken 'er for a spin already lol. Wives always leave the shitty jobs for their husbands. That being said, since my husband has been gone a good while now, I have had to do the dirty job myself once already and I am convinced they need to come up with a stainless steel seat so as not to have to do it again. Those crusties are truly gag-worthy. Congrats to you on a job well done!

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Can you imagine how cold a stainless steel seat would be! Hot dang. Unless it was heated. That might be nice.

It is a bit minging as who on earth would ever clean under the pan near the nuts, as it were LOL!

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Oh wintertime would be a bitch and you wouldn't want to sit on it in winter with a wet ass...you would be stuck for sure lol. I ain't cleaning under those nuts!

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I make it a firm rule in life to have as little to do with nuts as I can. It has served me well! :OD

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Hello my dear Mr. That toilet in the best Nordic style is very nice, I like that color, maybe now it is much more padded and inspiring to philosophize, make telegrams, send text messages, read, and make a short, pleasant, and sometimes painful life when our stomach hurts and the blind tunnel of the butt. lol.

Great job my friend, and very good taste has your good lady of the house.

Have a great Wednesday, Mr. 🌴😊☕

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It used to be white which really looked nice until it started getting a bit old and worn and then horrifyingly yellow and yellow on a toilet usually only means one thing. So the old one had to go!

But it is all done and it does look quite nice. Cheers! Happy Wednesday!

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You're right, the white toilets look super slick, but the slavery when it comes to cleaning them, is never ending, by God, in my house, I have three bathrooms and when it comes to cleaning them, which is daily, it's hard.

Happy day, of life and health

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Three bathrooms! Lucky you! I have one. One!! It makes all manner of things harder than they have to be in this house! I dread what it will be like when the kids are teens

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haha I understand you, with children and when they grow up it's the ideal. 😘

I have three because it is the house where my children lived, already sweet and outside my roof. Currently I want only one bathroom because my husband and I have been alone for a while now.

We are about to sell and move to something more minimalist for both of us.

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Haha! This is hilarious. You made a DIY task sound fun and interesting. Bravo!

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Thank you. Its not easy to make em fun! lol :O)

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Reminds me of my story of earlier this Summer. It's an heroic act indeed. Did you really get brown muck on you?

P.S. You clearly haven't seen ( a lot of ) Polish movies ;<)
There's a number of great ones.

Also, don't order the number 2 noodles, unless you want to race to the toilet as soon as you've started eating.

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(Edited)

It was only a little bit of brown something. It was like accumulated nut grease. Urgh ,m that sounds worse! It definitely came from the bolts so I think it was a sort of rusty combo of something and thankfully not errant shit!

I thought there might be some good Polish movies. I just like throwing ina contentious comment now and then ;O)

Damn, the number 2 noodles do that. I knew

Did you also have a toilet fixing adventure!

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It was like accumulated nut grease. Urgh ,m that sounds worse!

Hahaha!

Did you also have a toilet fixing adventure!

I did, I called it Adventures of a House(s)hitter, if I'm correct. First time I replaced a toilet seat, in my life and I have two 'left' hands, as we say in Dutch.

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Goddang, this toilet seat replacing lark is becoming something. An epidemic perhaps? What is going on. I must investigate!

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Messing with toilets can be really scary. It's not something you want to F-up.
That's a nice looking seat. Well done 👏

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That was my true fear that I would mess it up and it would take months to get someone in to fix it. Thankfully it was almost a piece of piss. :OD

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Yeah sometimes things seem like they are going to be a lot harder than they actually are. It's nice when it works out that way. The opposite scenario can be true as well.

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I have been there for the opposite scenario too many times to count. They almost make you wait to give it all up!

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Yep. I've said so many times "I'm going to do this (...project...) in a few hours on the weekend." And then it actually take me several days over many weekends lol. One problem leads to another and so on

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And it's a horrible feeling when you can't get it finished in one go and realise that it will take many sessions. I remember doing my decking and it took forever

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Once again, you have made quite the grand story of quite a simple task. Good Job ! LOL I'm so proud of you!

I could feel more sympathy for you if I didn't do this job myself numerous times, however, I would never lay in the floor under it ! (Eww !!) I simply reach under the ledge to undo the wingnut, even if it needs some pliers to turn loose.

No laying under the toilet !

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I couldnt get them to turn! Even with pliers! Ihad to get down and dirty. To be fair I think the toilet seat was old when I moved in and that was some ten years ago!

But I take my hat off to ya. I love a lady who can get in and about her toilet shenanigans! :OD

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Yikes ! Yes... I see your turlet seat was there so long it had grown on. LOL !

Yep... I've been on my own about 25 years. There is almost nothing I won't try myself before asking someone else to do it. Thankfully, most things aren't that hard. I never really minded trying and learning, even before I was on my own.

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Thats the thing isnt it? Most things are not so hard and yet it is the build up of thinking about it for me that makes it seem like a monumental challenge! Then I am like, meh, easy.

You're a dab hand. I might have to pay you to come over and replace my kitchen! :OD

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I tell you that I don't like toilet seats 🤭😁 I prefer to see the field clean and clear, easy to clean and with a view to the horizon 😉...

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I dont like them much now either! Although in Scotland even with central heating in winter it can get very cold and you need something between yourself and the frigid porcelain!

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🤭😂😂😂...had not thought of that !!!! I live in the Caribbean 😉

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Hahaha
That's quite funny but I think you did the best thing
Nice!

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I'm sure when I were a lad that toilet seats lasted forever. When we moved into our old cottage there was a black plastic one that looked like it was decades old. Now I seem to be replacing them every few years. Some have anti-bacterial properties or the slow close thing, but they all fail in some way.

It's a conspiracy I tell you!

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Mine is a slow closer but I can already see that causing problems in the not so far away future.

You are totally right. When I was growing up we had a black plastic one in our house that never needed tightening or replacing. It was just there. Now it seems that they are all loose and wobbling about.

I agree, conspiracy!

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One moment I'm in the bog, next in a ramen restaurant! LOL! Brilliant. BTW I have also been in bogs in ramen restaurants here in Japan, but that is another story.

!ALIVE
!CTP

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I have been in a bog in every restaurant I have been in! If I haven't there is something far wrong. Dont get No 7 Noodle!! :OD

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About 5 years ago, I replaced all of our toilet seats with the soft close seats. You just let them drop and they smoothly and quietly sink down to their resting position.

The problem is... if I visit a friend who has a magnificent seat like yours... (particularly after a few wobbly-pops). I forget that it's not slow close and CLANK!!!

Usually scaring the crap out of myself and the host who thinks I dropped dead.

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Thats the one I have gone for. A lovely soft closer. I will have to remember when not in the house that not everyone has them or I will be int he same situation!

It has a button you can click to remove the whole thing in a one'r but I think that just makes it a bit rattly!

You never want the host to come up a knocking asking if you are ok!

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All that drama... all that sweating and cussing.. all that avoidance... all THAT.. just to install a toliet seat that went out of style in 1975.. pfft.

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I thought it was a fiction but the image let me realized that it was a terrible experience you had to pass through in real.

if the toilet seat were carved of the bloody stick-like bones of the bloggers who had migrated to Blurt.

Quite sarcastic.

Number 7 Noodle

May I know what's the significance of this?

a small cascade of brown muck fell on my face.

Ewwwwww 🤮

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Amusing. Thanks for sharing.

i bought a derelict house nearly four years ago and decided not to have a flush toilet (or any toilet) in the house, as i prefer not to shit in the drinking water, but use it instead to complete a circle of life by composting it and growing food from it.

Initially i built a compost toilet in the garden, then later another one in a porch i had made outside the front door.

Neither have toilet seats as i've learned that it's better for health to squat instead of sit.

Peace & Love
Atma

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That certainly sounds like you are getting closer to nature in that respect. I don't think I could buy a derelict house as I am just not that good at DIY

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i didn't do the renovation work myself but found someone to do for me, although i helped a bit.
i did make the garden compost toilet though. Most of the work i do is in the garden, but i also have volunteers come to help with that.

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Good on ya! I've replaced those blasted nasties from hell before and they are like fucking cell phone chargers I swear. You would think that they would make them standard right? Hmmmm, wrong.

The part about brown goo making you just want to end yourself like the fly had me in tears of laughter. I bet he was watching (not from the wall) and thinking "Ya see you fucker? You're not laughing at my circles on the floor now are ya?"

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Watching from fly hell perhaps!

Yeah, standard should be the way. The new one is built for many different sizes of attachment and I have my doubts as to its longevity. They just don't make things good no more!

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Lol, he's a gonner.

It boggles my mind why people have to make things complicated. On average, our asses are more or less similar in size right - so the average toilet seat should have standardized fittings. I'm sure it will last long enough. Definitely not the kind of thing that you want to have to replace every year.

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I blame the americans and all those oversized asses that have meant seats have had to change! :OD

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I wouldn't get under there unless I had to 🤣 At least it's done for the next decade or two!

This post has been manually curated by the VYB curation project

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It had better be the next decade or two!! I ain't one for repeating myself!!! 🤣🤣

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And forget the floor thing in the future 🤮

!PIZZA !ALIVE !LOL

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That’s never a fun job! It does give you a sense of accomplishment though.

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Aye, nowt like getting your hands dirty and feeling all tradesmanlike :OD

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That is a fine looking seat. I am in the market for one now. I just saw one at the hotel I was at that has an easy close lid. IOW you can just drop the lid and it will not crash but gently close. I mean next to sliced bread, what else will they think of!

Twisting around dying on the floor of existence whilst attempting to dodge the shits from Giants above.

Indeed. About sums up my view of life lol.

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That's what this one is!! You can let it all fall and it just slowly drifts down to close with a quiet clink. I feel like I have travelled forward into the future!! 😀😀

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The struggle is real AF.

Bathroom bolts and nuts always are locked together in rust. While carefully trying to keep the porcelain from getting damaged some rusty nut decides to drop as a surprise. And it hits a painful spot in ones face. Together with a rain of wet rust flakes filling nostrils, mouth and eyes.

But then, when it all has been fixed, after about 12 hours of cursing and pain, there might be a slight feeling of pride.

And like a dog turning around its own axes way too many times before finally going to lay down, a DIY man will look at his work a couple of times and then pop one open. Followed by a couple more.

Cheers, have a good weekend! 🍻

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Hehe, you have it exactly right mate!! Rusty bolts and hard to get places. But the beers afterwards were good! 😀😀

Cheers!!

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That's why I like to do these kind of jobs anyway. The reward is very satisfying. It makes it all worth while! 😁👍

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The rewards are what keeps us thing in doing such things for sure!!

Hope you are having a good one mate!!

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Thanks mate!

And I still have got a lot of woodwork repair to do on the outside of the house, so I'm good. 😁

Hope you have a great one too.

Do dheagh shlainte! 🍻

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HAHAH. I fucking hate replacing them things. There is not one toilet seat that is tight in my house. And before you ask (I have 4). The couple before we moved in must have been obsessed because they put a jacks everywhere. The jackies all involve a certain amount of rebalancing at the start of a number 2 to make sure it is secure. Kind of like a miniture roller coaster before every poo. 😆. Quality post there. I like the way the bin is on the ledge behind you for the lady things we won't speak of here as we are civilised men.

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Hahaha, that is exactly what that bin is for. Fortunately we are gentlemen!!!

I had an argument with the missus two years ago about getting another bog installed now that we have two kids. She went off on one about it being just another place to clean. Two years later as we all queue for a pish I can take comfort in having the last laugh 😀😀

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WTF even?

I take a break and everyone starts slacking off!

Get back to writing old godsdammit!

Hope you're well, M.

On the go here still but have stories to share. You've been duly warned 😈 (this is gonna be fun! And yes... there will be dancing. Hope you're still practicing)

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Lol. I was skiving. Work has been a nightmare and I have had literally no time to be about. But I found time!! 😀

I shall heed your warning and keep my eye out!

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Arrrrrrrrrrrrr, matey. Keep yer eye out!

No sweat. I hope it's not the manager with the red talons. She sounds scary!!!

You found Time? Where?! Fucker's been hiding from me for years. Send pin, please.

Happy Monday.

No need to reply.

Until you find more Time!

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