RE: Creativenonfiction #130 - Love Or Balderdash?

Hello @rukkie,

I'm going to comment on your story as I would to someone who might be in a writing workshop--one writer to another.

You have a lot of good material here. The first two paragraphs are gold... beautifully written. However, they do not add to this piece. The piece is really about Ronke. It's about her lack of character, and how that lack of character cost her dearly.

This is a powerful story. It is tragic, and although Ronke lacks strong character, she is human and we feel for her. She suffers the inevitable destiny of someone with a fatal character flaw. She couldn't stand up for herself with her boyfriend, and she lied to her parents.

We understand her motivation. Who hasn't felt the seductive power of infatuation, or even love?

You can see the power of your piece in my description. So then, what does that have to do with this?

School life is fun. We get to meet people and make connections. There are some people got to meet their first love while other people met those who took advantage of them. In school, we also meet different students from different backgrounds, with diverse beliefs and culture.
Almost every corner of the school would be filled with students in groups, some reading, some playing and dancing while some will be lying down on the grass under a tree shade. Amongst these groups of students would be at least one student who was always up to date with the latest gist and gossip about things happening in school.

Don't you think the story would have been all the more a punch in the gut to the readers if you had not written those paragraphs but had simply started with the gossip? Perhaps in the gossip you might have added something about how Funke (nice name!) always knew everything and spread gossip.

There is a saying: Don't bury the lead. That means, start with the juicy stuff and grab the reader.

Hope you don't mind this long comment. It is written out of respect. I think you are a writer who can grow even stronger and I think you can benefit from some serious advice on structure. Of course, I can be wrong. I'm just another writer, offering her opinion.

Keep writing. You deliver a good story.