Hello everyone! How are you all! I hope that you still remember me. This is my first blog post here for this year after many months of not opening this account since last year.

Perhaps you're wondering why my first blog post was posted here in this community haha it's because I'm not sure which topic or anecdote from my life to tell first after being gone for so long.

Yesterday, while I was on my vacation (Charot, it's not totally a vacation because I got into an unexpected accident—a accident that some clumsy people like me would usually experience), My sister told me to do something for her. I can't say "NO" because it was my duty even if I am still healing. I mean, my foot is still healing. The accident that happened to me is that I dislocated my ankle during my younger cousin's prom night two weeks ago. This is my first time experiencing dislocating my ankle, and I really hate the feeling because it hurts a lot. I can still feel the feeling. Geez! I will make sure to walk slowly so I will never experience it again. So yeah, I have been jobless for 2 weeks because I still can't walk and stand longer yet.

The thing that she wants me to do is to do the laundry. I need to wash my niece's clothes—newborn clothes, to be exact. You read it right. I am an auntie now. To be honest, I still can't believe that I am an auntie now. I'm still young and fresh. Charot

It's been 4 months since I knew that my older sister was pregnant. The normal life experience for siblings happened to us unexpectedly. I mean, I am aware that the right time will come for my older sister to get married and have her own family, like that, but I didn't expect that it would happen right away because as a younger sister, even if we are always like a cat and puppy, we fight each other a lot. To be honest, I am not ready to be an auntie.

Should I tell you a story about how I knew that I would be an auntie now? 4 months ago, my mom asked me if I want my sister to get married, if I want my sister to have a kid, and if I want a kid. Like that. I was annoyed because of those questions because I thought my mom would arrange a marriage for my sister, to get married to a foreigner that she didn't know just to provide the things that the family needed. Just like how my grandparents did to their second child. So I answered that maybe soon, when the right time comes, and just like my sister always said to me when I asked her when she would get married, she would get married when she becomes 30 years old.

Then one day, my older sister asked me the same question, and I was like, "What the f is happening to them?". There is a clue inside my mind, but I was blind because of the thought that my older sister couldn't break up with her lesbian boyfriend. But then, I couldn't stop my mouth that time and asked her, "Are you pregnant?". She couldn't keep the secret anymore from me and told me that she was. My sister said that they kept the secret for weeks because they didn't know how they would tell me because I have the right to know. At that time, I felt the mixed emotions. I am happy, I am sad, I am angry, I am excited. I don't know, but one thing that I know about myself until now is that I am not ready to have a new title in my life, and that is to be a parent. To be an auntie.

There is also this thought that came to their mind. That they will abort the baby because of me. There are some things that they needed to fix first—my mom knows that I feel disappointed again. Yes, I am mad at my sister because she is always the top priority of my mother. She gave her a better life while I am being neglected. She is the reason why I didn't study in college, because my mom needed to fix her first, and there is me; I always wait for my turn. She promised me last year that I would visit their place this year; she promised me that I would study. She promised a lot since I was younger, but none of her promises became real. At a young age, I always gave the things I wanted for myself because of hard work. When I was 19, I experienced being the breadwinner of our grandparents by blogging and earning crypto. I am always yearning for care too… you know? So when I let out those dramatic feelings, she promised me that I would go there to her, but she disappointed me again. So I became nonchalant after knowing that my sister is pregnant, and I deleted my social media that I use to communicate with them for 1 month. 1 month, and I calm myself and sink in all the things that they said to me because it's hard for me to process. I also feel mad at them because of their thought that they will abort the baby. I am still mad at them until now, esp. To my sister. But of course, my niece didn't do anything, and he's not at fault for why he was born and why my life is like this.

When I saw him for the first time in the ultrasound, I cried even if I am not the mother. Lol, I don't know why… maybe because he's already here, and I needed to accept the fact that I can't do anything about it because God is the one who sent an angel to us. And at that time, I am happy to know that he's healthy like me.

Fast forward, my older sister came back home last month. My mom and I are still not communicating like a normal mother-daughter relationship. I don't know, maybe I already distanced myself from her because I didn't want to be a negative person as I started to build a wall last year. I fixed myself by making myself productive and living a normal person's life. I tried working, going out to explore the real world, and writing a journal. I experienced a lot, and it's fun, though. What makes me feel bored is that I don't have a mobile phone to carry everywhere and am just using my Xiaomi Pad 5, which is hard for me because it's big and heavy. It's also a main reason why I am too lazy to write a blog. Huhu

Anyway, my tita duties started last month too. The first thing that I did was, of course, decorating for a mini welcome back and baby shower for my sister.

Second is I started to buy some foods that my pregnant sis wants (using her own money, of course, duh). Good thing that she doesn't have weird food cravings and she craves some normal human food. Geez. Sometimes, my sister's temper matches my normal temper, so the house is always so noisy. When she's mad, I am mad too. Good thing that my sister is used to it and not crying and dramatic just like how I read in Wattpad and what I always watch in some dramas when a character is pregnant and moody.

If you are looking for where the father of my niece is, well… my sister is a single parent, if you call it like that. It's not that her boyfriend didn't want the child. In fact, her boyfriend's parents want them to get married, but their place is far away, and my mom didn't want that—my sister and niece to be far from us. So, both families decided to support the child financially, and so my niece still has a father. But even though he doesn't have. I'm still here, you know, being his auntie and a temporary parent soon because my sister needs to go back to her work next year to support her child's needs.

And because my sister doesn't have a partner here, I was the one who accompanied her to the hospital for her check-ups. It's her checkup today, but I couldn't fulfill my tita duties because of my dislocated ankle. So my grandma is the one who accompanied her. I am also the one who accompanies her going to the mall to buy my niece things.

Believe me, being a tita is such a hard role because when we bought his things, especially. His foldable crib, I am the one who carried it all from inside the mall to going home because my sister can't carry heavy things.

You know what? When I accompanied her that time, those baby clothes, baby things, and everything inside the mall were so pretty and cute! My smile is so wide that time, and I couldn't stop myself from giggling looking at them because the prints are very cutesy like me. It's not my first time seeing some baby things, but it was my first time looking like a parent. But my smile and excitement fade when I see the tags of those prices. Gosh! I just want to close my eyes! I almost forgot that having a baby is making sure that you are financially stable first. So you can give your child what they want and need.

And yesterday, my sister told me to do the laundry. I can't say no because anytime, any date next month, my niece will be born. We are not sure of the exact date because sometimes doctors' predictions are not accurate. The date that the doctor told her when she was still in Dubai was the expected date, which will be on March 29. It's close to our grandpa's birthday. But my grandma believes that my sister will labor anytime next month because of how she is feeling. So, we are getting everything ready that he will need when he is born.

Yesterday morning, I started to do the job. At first, I thought that these little things were just basic for me to wash because they're baby clothes, and it's not that hard to wash. But after hours of doing it, I feel my back pain because even if it's just a small piece of clothing, if there are a lot of them, it makes you feel tired. So, I couldn't finish them all in just one day, and I continued it today.

Yesterday, I washed his 'Baru-baruans,' bedsheets, and towels. Today, I washed his clothes, towels, socks, etc. Can you see those clothes? My mom is the one who picked and bought those. She wants my niece's clothes to look cute and aesthetic. She is very excited to be a grandmother now because my niece's gender is a boy. My sister revealed to me that our parents really want a boy; that's why our name has a mixed name/sounds like a male's name.

My comeback blog is posted here because I just want to rant and complain, obviously, because my life right now is not that I am already an official mother. I don't have a kid yet, but I feel like doing these Auntie/Tita duties is making me feel like I don't want to have a kid anymore. WAHHH!!! Imagine, this is just the beginning and the start of my life being an auntie of my niece; what's more if he will be born? I think I do need a lot of rest starting next month because I know that I will spend my midnights and early mornings not holding a phone but a baby in the next coming months.

But sure, sure… deep inside, I enjoyed washing those cute clothes of my niece. Holding those small socks makes me feel excited and looking forward to meeting and holding him in my arms.