My Dad is Getting Older and I am Sad...

Today, my family and I were fortunate enough to spend the day with my Dad. It was a beautiful day for the beach, and we all had a great time, playing in the water and soaking up the sun~ ☀️

Once we left, however, a different kind of wave washed over me: one of melancholy. My Dad will be 60 next year, and God willing, we will still only have a few more decades to spend together. The thought made me realize how much of our relationship has been wasted...

My parents rarely made choices that benefited my sister and I. By the time I was 3-years-old, they were getting divorced. From that point on, until I was 10, my Father only saw me every other weekend. The "abandonment" never became easier with time; I sobbed every time we drove back to my Mom's.

Then, from 10 to 19-years-old, about the age that I left home, our entire relationship became tiptoeing on eggshells. So much of my time was spent being angry and irritated with my Dad, because of how strenuous our relationship had been all of those years prior. I spent those years either locked away in my room, or out of the house.

From 20 to 25-years-old, I was barely in contact with my Father anymore. I still never knew a home, and I desperately tried to create one with friends, with boyfriends, living vicariously through their families despite never knowing my own. My last relationship left me abused and an addict, and although my Dad gave me a place to stay, I know how relieved he was once I left...

At age 26, I became a mother. I guess I thought there might be a revelation in our relationship thanks to my newfound role; there wasn't. My Father has seen his only grandchildren perhaps 4 times in their entire lives. He works from home, owns a car, and lives only an hour away, yet he still has barely put in the effort to visit them.

What was perhaps the most eye opening part of it all... About a year ago, I had asked my Dad if I could stay at his house for a few days while going through some difficulties. His response was: "No, Alissa. I finally have the house to myself. I want to finally start living my life."

My life didn't begin until I had my children. I guess my Dad just chooses to see things differently...

Soon he will be 60, and we have nothing to show for it. I've never felt a bond, an emotional connection with my Father, and I'm sure he hasn't either. I believe that he has always secretly yearned for a boy, for the son that he never got to play catch with. I just can't help feeling like he was disappointed with my sister and I.

Even my children, despite how rarely they see him, my little girls ADORE their Papa! 🥰 Our youngest has terrible stranger danger, and she didn't even freak out while he was there, which is a HUGE feat! 🙌 But, again, because they aren't boys, I feel like he doesn't think connecting is worth his time.

I don't completely blame my Dad; he has grown up surrounded by women his entire life. 6 sisters, 2 daughters, and now 2 granddaughters. But hey, I don't like how women are socialized any more than he does!

That certainly doesn't mean that I would allow that fact to tarnish my relationships with them. I have the power to change it with my daughters. It's a pity that my Dad never did the same...

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Anyway, that is it for tonight's post 🙏 Thank you for taking the time to check it out. I hope everyone has a lovely weekend ahead!