Tough Luck
I can’t be sure of what decisions to use. I think at every turn in life, we encounter crossroads that question our judgements, present us with choices, and place tough decisions before us that make it practically mandatory for us to make a choice. You can’t have both, you will lose all kinds of choices.
And I have encountered them severally. I’m racking my brain now on what was my most recent tough decision moment and it finally came to mind. I’ve always prided myself in the fact that I’m able to let go easily. I won’t say it’s a bad thing necessarily. To me, it had always been a gift. Relationships, quarrels, people who do me wrong. It would hurt in that moment, but I’d mastered early on how to consciously break out and let go of people and things.
But then, I realized with some certain people that it’s rather hard to let go. I don’t have a lot of friends. I mean I do, but you know those ones that you let them get in so deep into the circle that you now become vulnerable and so their actions or inactions affect you. You’ve let them get in, so any pullback would affect you negatively. That’s the kind I'm referring to and who this friend was to me.
We’d been friends for six years and it had been six years packed with memories. I keep very few male friends close. Shouldn’t be past three or so but this person was a constant. Had been with me through a lot of things. Was practically a constant in my life. But when you see that you’re walking on eggshells around someone. When you get used to their BS and forgive them a gazillion times when they hurt you, it becomes tasking.
The second to the last time this friend wronged me and came to say, “I’m sorry Tess,” as usual. I told him and was also trying to tell myself that it was going to be the last time and that I valued my mental health too much to be letting him wreck my emotional stack of cards the second I rebuilt it. I didn’t let anyone do that to me so why should he always keep being an exception?
Then the final one happened and this one hit me so bad cause I didn’t have to bear it alone. It was beyond embarrassing cause it happened in public and when I rectified things and got back home, I tapped my chest and was like, never again. I told my sister and she went all. “It’s you, Tess. He’ll come back now and cry and wail and you’ll forgive him in an instant.” I don’t know if it was her words that toughened my resolve. I mean she’d said things like that a lot of times over the years but that doormat feeling refused to shake off so I knew this was the final straw.
Point is, was it hard? No, not really. It should’ve been but I’ve come to realize something about myself which is that when I’m consciously firm in my resolve, even I can’t convince myself to back down. And another thing I just want to point out about decision making, when you’re confused between two outfits, for instance, and you ask someone what he or she thinks you should wear, do you know that subconsciously, you’ve already made that decision? Like, deep down you already know what you would pick either way. It’s a mind thing but it’s very true. When we’re confused about it, deep down we’ve already made our decision and maybe just need a final push or something.
The point being that making tough decisions isn’t rocket science. If your heart doesn’t lead you right, trust your mind or your instincts and most of all, trust in your resolve that you’re doing what is right. Weigh the pros and the cons and prepare to be responsible for whatever outcome. It’s maturity. It’s growth. So I said to myself the day I picked up the phone and called that friend, “Maybe what I’m doing isn’t right, but it’s the best decision I had to make. For me. And I will stand by it.” And that’s what I’m doing. No matter what happens.
Jhymi🖤
Image is mine.
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When we think of letting go, our minds sometimes find it hard to do, and this is due to all the memories and good times we share with the person. However if it affects our well-being physically or mentally, it’s best and healthy to prioritize our own health over any good times or memories and let go the instant we can’t take it anymore.
That's very true. Putting your mental health first because you owe it to yourself to be at peace, no matter what memories you've shared. That's such an insightful view.
I agree. So giving advice is sometimes is pointless because we know they will still stick to whatt they want to do.
True. Most times people already know what to do so ...it scarcely matters what you say.
Oh Tess, I know how hard that is to let go of close friends or friends who you thought were close... I've had to do that myself this year. It's hard and it hurts, but down the line you realise that they were causing you unnecessary pain and life becomes more peaceful afterwards. Do you still sometimes remember the before times and feel a hint of sadness for what could have been? Yes. But you are not responsible for their actions and you need to make sure that you are being true to your authentic self and looking after your own heart too. If they are misguided then that is on them. Big loves... hehe can you see I'm getting back into online life slowly but surely???
Oh and I fully agree...mostly we know what decision we want to take, we just need some reassurance and a little nudge to get us over the line. Can't wait to hear more about your studies, girl! How are they going? Challenging? Fun? Everything you dreamed of? !LOLZ !LUV
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I'm seeing your comments like two days in a row. And I'm super happy for you, Mom. I've really missed your thoughtful comments and yeah, I do feel like maybe things could have been different. For what it's worth, he was one of the best people I could have close. Really made me happy in those good days but the bad ones far outweighed the good, so I just had to make a choice eventually.
This is my way of saying that I will do well to leave you a comprehensive voice note on everything. It's been a challenging ride, Mama. But we're getting there.🤗🤗
I'm glad you feel you are close to coming out the other side of this. I shall look forward to your message. Hope you have a blessed day, Tess :-) x
I know how different it to let go people we share memories with it is better we end whatever you have with them because at a point it will affect our mental health.
Maybe it always did but we were blinded by our invested emotions in the person to see. When the scales fall of and we become more logical in our thinking, it'll be easier to let go.
Annoying and embarrassing situatioms like this is what made me to become a touch skinned person as in I literally toughened up my resolve against unfriendly friends and choose self care
Yes to self care at all times, dear. It's not being selfish. It's putting your peace first so that you wouldn't miss out on the actual food ones.
Making a tough decision is always not easy but sometimes we really have to let go
Came from @dreemport
That's the idea. Thanks.
You are highly Welcome
I feel you. It's admirable that you have the strength and discipline to stand on your decision to say no. I feel like when we grow older, it will be easier for us to say it to anyone that crosses our stated boundaries.
I came across this video that says we should leave quietly. Meaning if a friend or a lover keeps disrespecting your boundaries, and you've communicated it with them but it doesn't change anything, just leave quietly, no need to announce it. This will show them that you mean business and are not willing to compromise.
Nice piece !
#dreemerforlife
Thank you Zita.
Oh, that could certainly work. But what about that little part of you that would keep asking for closure. One thing I know is that, unless I couldn't care less about you, I would want to say my piece and end things. Kind of like tightening loose ends. As a way of saying, "I'm done with you. And that's that."
!LADY
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Letting those you care about hurts so much, I have experienced that a couple of times. If you really find it easy to let things go then it's truly a gift like you said earlier on. I know how many times, people hurt me and I still returned to them because I was scared of loosing them.
For your friend, you know what he is doing,there are things we should over look and there are things that we shouldn't. It depends on what he did, if it's something that really affects you mentally and he is fond of doing it over and over then I think giving him some space will do you good. If he changes later fine, if he doesn't let him just go. It's life, some people are not meant to be part of our lives forever, especially the toxic ones. We can be cool but taking you to my heart again is a no, no.
#dreemerforlife #dreemport
That's exactly what I said. I didn't hate him or swear to never talk. He just knew that the close friendship we shared was over. I don't know if he changes or not and frankly, I don't want to find out. Everyone is responsible for their mental health, you know. You've got to fight for yours.
Smiles.. don't worry, you have me okay😁🥰 I'll replace him..
You are right, staying sane is our responsibility, we don't have to allow anyone temper that.
Hmm I get what you mean here, there are some people like that in our life.
God help us
#dreemerforlife
Best to get rid while it's Still early...
Wow I was grabbed by the picture Tess.... wee t is a cracking wee photographer, that has me chuffed no end 📸💙
Get negativity out of your life, does not matter who it is when it affects your mental health.
Orange first blue second in this case.
Why, thank you T. It's one of the things I'm really grateful to have realised in myself via this chain.
That's weird. I always thought Blue was a topper.
As humans at some point we will eventually let someone in no matter how hard we try to shield ourselves. Forgiveness is natural for some people which I don't consider to be a bad attitude.
Your friend might have taken advantage of your forgiving attitude but I wouldn't want that to change who you are. The only thing I will advice is that you need to learn to control the rate at which you let people in so if eventually they hurt your feelings it wouldn't hurt you much.
Pop in from #dreemport
#Dreemerforlife
Very insightful words. And I couldn't agree more. I wouldn't let that incidence change who I am but yeah, long ago, I'd learned to thoroughly limit the people you let in, you know...
And I think it's working so far cause a lot of things don't bother me these days. Thank you Lagos.🤗🤗
You are welcome Uyo
Sometimes it's hard to let go of some friends because of the good and bad times you've spent together.
#dreemerforlife
That's true. But we have to try if it affects our peace.