The Day I Wore a Smile But Broke Inside

If I ever had the power to erase just one memory from my life, it wouldn’t be a dramatic accident or a physical wound. It would be that day. The day I smiled the brightest, took pictures, hugged people, and said "thank you" yet deep down, I was crumbling.

It was the day of my graduation

Sounds strange, right? Graduation is supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives. Everyone around me was celebrating, dressed in gowns, laughing with their families, proud of what they had achieved. I had worked so hard too. Sleepless nights, tears over exams, sacrificing fun and rest, just to walk across that stage. But that day didn’t feel like a celebration to me.

You see, my mum wasn’t there

She passed away a few months before my final exams. Cancer. Quick and cruel. One moment she was cheering me on, telling me to study hard and “make the family proud.” The next, she was gone. No warning. Just pain.

The day I collected my certificate, my heart was screaming for her. I kept looking into the crowd, hoping,just maybe, I’d spot her smiling face, clapping with her hands above her head like she always did when she was proud of me. But all I saw were strangers. Everyone seemed to have someone. I felt alone in a room full of people.

I posed for pictures, fixed my make up, gave polite smiles, and even gave a short speech as one of the best students in my department. But the entire time, I was just pretending. Pretending to be strong. Pretending I wasn’t breaking apart inside. Pretending I wasn’t wishing to trade that certificate for one more conversation with her.

That’s the memory I would erase, not because it wasn’t important, but because it hurts too much. The weight of that empty chair still lingers in my chest. The ache of what could’ve been, what should’ve been.

I know people say, “Pain shapes us,” or “Everything happens for a reason.” And maybe that’s true. Maybe that day taught me how to wear strength like a second skin. Maybe it taught me how to walk forward even when my knees are shaking. But if I had the choice, I would gladly live without that lesson.

I’d rather have her

I’d rather have a memory filled with laughter and proud tears instead of silent ones.

So yes, if I had the power to erase just one memory, it would be the one where I celebrated success with a hollow heart.

But until life gives me that power, I carry on. I keep showing up. And on days when I feel her absence the most, I remind myself , she may not have been there in person, but her love walked across that stage with me.

Image is Ai generated

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