My Wife
My wife saved me would you believe it?
Had I not met her then I was travelling down a very dark and lonely path of not understanding, and not having anyone understand me.
I've only met a few people that have understood me in the past.
One thing I've grown to realise is that not many people understand each other in this life.
Not many people at all.
Your parents should understand you of course; but that's one thing that was stolen from me as a young boy -- my mum and dad were too interested in their addictions to bother about my wants, likes, and interests.
Of course I'm not blaming them here, everyone has their own demons. I was lucky enough to face mine at a younger age than most people do. I shook hands with mine at a very young age.
Understanding yourself is the key to understanding other people.
My parents were not so lucky. I doubt my dad ever understood, and my mum, bless her, is only beginning to understand now.
Your partner should also understand you. One thing my wife knows is me inside out. She knows how I am and what I want, and sometimes she knows even before I do -- which is sometimes annoying, yet these are the annoying things I actually love about her.
@vickoly's Flame post earlier about not matching another person's energy when he was in an argument struck a chord with me.
It reminded me how communication is a crucial part of humanity, yet one that is not very well respected.
To communicate with yourself better, is to better understand other people.
One thing I've always questioned myself is "why" -- and the same goes for my wife.
At the beginning of our relationship I was always questioning why she did the utterly stupid things she would do with me.
And to me the worst part was the nagging and her getting on at me for some of the most stupid of things.
I could never understand why -- it always seemed so irrelevant and pointless.
I didn't know or understand how "on the rocks" we were at the time because my wife had clammed up like an oyster clutching onto its pearl.
And yet I guess you could say it was lucky that I worked in a trade where communication is heavily relied on and you use these soft approaches to get people to open up.
People are never ever open and responsive when they think you'll be mad at them -- that's why with matters of the mind we always have smiley faces and helpful attitudes.
To help, they must at first get your guard down.
One fateful day I had enough of my wife's complaining and I decided to do what I had learned at work.
Sit and listen to her without getting angry at her or judging what she said.
And after reassuring her several times that I would not get mad it all just came flowing out like a steam train.
Things I had never even considered that were on her mind, were on her mind -- it almost brought me to tears myself the immense intense emotion that she had been carrying around with her for all those months.
That's when I realised about the perception differences between men and women -- and a lot of these "bad boy" influencers get wrong to their audiences.
To me, everything was fine, I had my work done, I came home, entertained my kid, did good dad and husband duties at the end of the day and all was well.
But these were my priorities and not hers.
Oftentimes people forget that there are two in a relationship and priorities differ -- I've had to learn that my wife likes a spotless house, and a book on the table may not matter to me that much -- I can pick it up tomorrow, or tomorrow night.
But to her it's everything
That's just one example of course -- there are many others!
If I hadn't had learned this we probably wouldn't have been husband and wife anymore -- she'd have left me.
And it would have been my fault for not dropping my guard and just letting her speak without flying off the wall in defensiveness.
Sometimes she just wanted to be listened to, you know?
I think this is a common problem amongst couples and I think it's not one that's spoken about often enough.
And so we now exist in 16 years of happy marriage where I wouldn't have made it past our first 2 years were I to not sit and listen to her.
Even today, she was not happy with a few things that were on her mind so I sat, as usual, and let her have her say and whatever needed to be fixed, I fixed.
Sometimes she just needs to be heard, and sometimes I just need to sit there and listen to her.
So in a way I guess you can say I saved her too!
God damn you women are weird! Haha.
Joke.
Understanding the opposite gender can be a hard but I think things get better when both are willing to make compromises for the other person without really caring about the other person doing the same but they just do.
I’m glad you figured out a way to understand your wife better. 16 years is not a short period. I can only imagine the so many misunderstandings and agreements you guys have had in all these years.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, Ray. If there is one thing I have learnt from what you’ve said, it will be that I have to let things go the way the other person wants it sometimes for things to go well.
The picture is old and golden!😍
I've met plenty of people who understand me on HIVE, but a part of your post made me long for a child hood that I never really felt I had. It was so perfectly articulated by the book that I'm reading at the moment.
The clock stopped with this statement, and it is something that I have never asked my Mother, but exactly how I have always felt. Inspiration for another post, merely based on your line:
I suspect we were both the first highly educated people of our lines - and with that education comes a disjointed understanding. Not to probe intellectual "elitism" and ivory towers (fun fact, my first domain name ever involved those two words) - but it is hard to relate to those who do not seem to operate upon the same level as oneself.
It is possible, of course, to adapt our communication styles, but it never feels sincere to sacrifice the deeper, more profound intent of an idea or statement. It feels like you're not giving it the impact it deserves.
Rambling back towards your post. Women save so many men. From themselves. From their delusions, from their frustrations, from their ambitions. We are better thanks to them, and we learn from them every single day.
I'm envious on your five year head start you have over me, but I'll just have to do some more catching up by having the women in my life continue to save me. From myself :)
Your wife is so lucky to have such an understanding and considerate other half. Marriage is a very difficult art to perfect, sometimes even with the most practice it still can't be perfected, I'm still trying after all these years
Great wedding pic!
Communication is important, if not essential, in a relationship. It's good that you and your wife realized this so early on. In my wife's and my case, it was more difficult, but after 21 years of marriage, we have been through many good and bad things together that have made us stronger, but none of that would have been possible without communication.
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And when you drop your guard, you start loving that - we men always think more about doing our job right, but that is not sufficient for an oyster clutch onto its pearl - their love is irrational, but after certain age, we understand how important that is.
you ve got also the perfect wife :)
And I realize that more as I get older :)
its beautiful !
Ahh, so many beauties in one post.
You're one self aware guy, Ray, and I just love how no matter how terrible your past was, you alone decided when to turn it around for the better, and you did!
We, women are weird, aren't we? But I'm glad you found your own weirdo to love.😄🌺
your story as positive as it is, represents only 1% of couples.
and another
1% is " we got our stuff together from start" couples.
and 98% is swimming in no where lands... little boys , little girls. mummy , daddy cycle...they thrive on fight and flight responses and " passions " and huge ego, they thrive in total blindness ..all based on ignorance, addictions, retardation.
but the system of slaves is pretty simple yet VERY usefull.
i am happy you got away from your retarded demons and can share a nice story.
the courage and strenght it takes to break those walls is impressive.
18 years marriage is a key cycle and as i know your age you ll be yourself in a very important new cycle...your kid too.
May it be a beautiful transformation my dear Ray 🌻
I love the way you always listen to your wife Mr Ray, I think it has contributed a lot to this lasting relationship.
Marriage is difficult , sometimes I feel like taking a pause so I can breath well, lol , but it's what it is ..we can make things work, and glad you are doing your best already
Hehe , women are weirdos just like you men😃😃
A divorce lawyer once said "Women have things to say. If you don't listen to what your wife has to say inside your marriage, you'll listen to it in court".
I am really glad that you listen to your wife, even when the things she says don't make sense or mean much to you. The important thing is they mean something to her, and that should be enough reason to listen. And yes, we are weird, but y'all like it😅😅.
You are lucky to have your wife as she is lucky to have you too.
Women are creatures that are fragile but strong in a way, I like your approach to her . Not many men take this route.
I'm happy for you both.