A Reflection on Male Role Models

I suppose the beginning is the natural place to start. For me the words "father" and "dad" are not synonymous. My father was a seventeen year-old pothead who, after my grandmother was declared unfit to be my guardian, placed me up for adoption at one year old (I did get to know him after I turned eighteen, and he's not a bad guy, but I wouldn't particularly say he's a role model). After bouncing between several foster homes for a year or so, I was adopted by my mom and dad.

My dad was a good man in the sense of being a good provider, didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't gamble, taught me the basics of being polite and the usual sort of customary things like take your hat off when you enter a building and shake hands firmly with eye contact. So, don't get me wrong, in most aspects he was a good role model.

However, long before I was born he suffered a very serious injury while in the service which effectively lobotomized him. Between this and his very austere upbringing, it made for a very even keel, but the only emotion I ever saw him display was anger...affection, pride, joy were missing and the only time he ever really touched me was for the sake of discipline.

Even recently, when I told him of my success with crypto investing, there was no "well done" or "good job using your brain" or anything like that, and when I said to him that no loving God would create a place of eternal suffering (he has turned to religion in his age) I was met with only silence.

As a hypersensitive individual with social difficulties to begin with (in my day, we were just called "weird," but I'm sure I'd be counted as somewhere on the spectrum these days) fearing your dad honestly doesn't help, so in that sense I had to look elsewhere for guidance.

Now, I've never really thought it fair to hold sports figures as role models and getting rich for being able to toss a ball effectively was never anything I particularly admired. But, I will admit, I did find at least some of the direction I sought in my cross-country coach. Even to this day I can hear his words echo in my mind..."You're running the wrong race!" "You're only as fast as your slowest runner." These words stuck with me and often guide my actions even now.

In addition, at a young age I was introduced to a biophysicist with whom I studied/worked closely for many years. I admired him greatly for his extensive education, but even more for his curiosity and desire to understand the world without regard to the consequence of his standing in the scientific community (he asked questions and studied ideas that would be considered outside of the mainstream). He wanted to know for the sake of knowing and that was real to me.

Still, I was left questioning what it means to be a man, even moreso a complete one, and this lead me to the study of philosophy through the great books. It was here, discussing "what it love," "what is virtue," "what is truth"...that I found many of those answers and found my role models in those authors and their characters.

What I have come to learn is this: to be a "good man" is to be respected, but if you wish to be respected, you must be respectable. Respect is earned.

Now, I can hear you say "you should treat every human being with respect!" But this is simply not true. Does a serial child rapist deserve respect? Is a greedy miser who exploits those around themselves for personal gain respectable? Not in the least. You should treat every human being with courtesy, even better with kindness, but respect is something different.

Respect is not a default nor is it derived from "authority" (to be honest, most of those in authority are not worthy of such) not from age, nor wealth, nor from a position of power, and even less out of fear.

In the words of Camus: Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear.

A heavy rock hanging precariously over a path commands caution, not respect [perhaps this is, in part, the fault of western religion that tends to conflate fear with respect] and a great deal of the violence in our society stems from perceived "disrespect" of deference that is unwarrantedly demanded or assumed.

If you are truthful, you are respectable for your honesty.

If you are faithful, you are respectable for your integrity.

If you are knowledgeable, you are respectable for your intellect/expertise.

If you are talented, you are respectable for your skill.

If you are compassionate, you are respectable for your kindness.

If you are giving, you are respectable for your generosity.

If you are insightful and circumspect, you are respectable for your wisdom.

If you are principled, you are respectable for your consistency and steadfastness.

Although certainly not an exhaustive list, these are some of the qualities that are worthy of looking up to and some of the ways I seek to be since, ultimately, fulfillment/satisfaction can only be found in the ability to respect yourself.