My Breast Cancer Diaries 1: what comes next after a diagnosis?
I decided that I will create a diary of my journey with breast cancer in the most amateur style. I do it for my own mental health because it gives me a sense of agency. I am not completely helpless against this and I can continue to have a normal life if I decide to do so. I believe that any sort of victory is first achieved in the mind and then in the physical realm. If anyone wants to have a chance to go through any hell with a smile they better keep their mental health sharp as a fighter’s sword. Remember Winston Churchill’s words of empowerment: if you’re going through hell...keep going.
Perhaps my challenge is bigger because I moved into a new town away from any family. I literally know no one in here. Who will hold my hand during chemo? I have no idea, I rely on my sister travelling hundreds of kilometres to come at least once a month. But this “I do not know anyone” changed as I joined some groups with mutual interests as mine. Last week a friend told me it is a bad idea to continue with the initial plan (to go study arts) and I should go back to my native town where I have some family and support. I didn’t feel like killing my childhood dream again. So here I am. Solo with my cancer in a new town in which I have both a dream and a challenge on my hands. Tough? Not really. While I was waiting a couple of days ago in front of a hospital to see if they have room for me I saw two parents with their child, a boy, walking out of the hospital. The boy had his leg amputated from the knee down. That is tough in my eyes, not what I have. When I compare my problem with other types of problems it seems like a walk in the park. This is a good mental strategy in order not to dwell into the misery of the thought: why me?
I started recording short videos whenever I felt like it because I have the hope to someday show them to my children in order to empower them. If I could go though this and was able to have you then you can achieve anything. The day after I found out that I have breast cancer I went to the pharmacy and bought prenatal supplements. Crazy? Yes, by the world’s standards. But if I were to focus on the future I do plan to remain fertile and to conceive. So why not start now? I bet this is one crazy thing that that a lot of young female patients who don’t have children yet do not do after finding out their diagnosis: planning for the better future, the one after the disease is gone. If the focus is on this problem that I have on my left breast then this is where all of my energy will be. It is a bad strategy on all levels. The wolf we feed is the wolf who grows.
The pity that people have in their eyes when they hear I have cancer is something difficult to tackle with. I am not an invalid and I do plan to stick around on this earth if God allows me to. As I had to deal with telling people what I have I also had to put a mental armour. This challenge , how I like to call my breast cancer, gave me a beautiful gift: to be able to conserve my energy and choose to have a normal life.
My results from the immunohistochemistry have partially arrived and my oncologist told me that next week we will have the complete result. I have to go and do an electrocardiogram and an echocardiogram as I will most likely need to start chemotherapy. The same day I went running with a running group that I discovered on the internet in this town. I don’t run. I hike, I swim, I don’t run. But I went for it. I really liked it and for that one hour my mental noise stopped. It feels amazing to not think of anything and just be. I did not tell them that I have cancer. I didn’t want this to be my story of how they met me.
I started to enjoy my hair at a different level. We as women can often rush to wash it or style it. Now I start to regain some respect in regards to having this lioness mane knowing that some chemotherapy treatments might result in me losing my hair.
I started to explore this new town and visited some interesting places. At a particular moment I captured some photos in an old building. It would have felt scary to visit this place at night. But something surprised me: in all of that dust, in all of those abandoned rooms, there was still the most magical thing we all need – light. When light enters through the smallest crack something happens with that place. It can become beautiful even when from the outside it looks like the scariest place. I compare this with hope. If you have a tiny seed of hope it can blossom. Maybe the surroundings, the circumstances, the diagnosis, the things that the world says you’re going to experience scare you . But if you protect your hope you can bring in the light in all of the corners of your being. I don’t think the world is prepared for happy cancer patients. I don’t think the world is prepared to see someone who can carry with joy whatever life throws at them. A thought popped into my mind while I was waiting at my oncologist’s office: nobody healed from being upset and sad. So you might as well laugh it off as there are better chances of recovery if you’re crazy optimistic no matter what kind of challenge you are facing right now.
Diagnoses come and go. Everyone walking on the street has a problem that they think is bigger than the one the guy across the road has. People forget other people. Nations forget their heroes who gave life and blood for an ideal. The mere idea that we are mortals yet we are infinitely important and powerful is a paradox that we have to live with. I am not my body. I am not my bones. I am not my flesh. Attachment of how I look is going down and I like it. Maybe people are more keen to see someone’s soul if they don’t have to stop at amazingly good looks.
Moving to a different town can be exhausting. I was happy to finally settle in. My palm tree pot became a home for some mushrooms to grow, a thing which made me laugh, and my llama comfort plush toy has added another town to their list
What I find helpful to think at right now is how I want to go though this in a way that will make me proud to share it to my children someday. I don’t want to tell them a story in which I was broken and beaten up by some diagnosis. I want to carry this challenge with dignity and with the same faith and hope in the divine. As I am knowing the medical system in which cancer patients have to swim I can tell there are so many necessary improvements needed. Maybe I can change something. From what I experienced until now I can tell you that there is not enough support when it comes to medical aid. I think that any cancer patient should benefit of free activities that can support a normal life and a psychological comfort: massage, gym, swimming, hyperbaric oxygen therapy, theatre and opera and concert tickets, natural supplements and discounts on retails stores in order to eat healthier and better and these things should happen as soon as the cancer diagnosis is received. I can see so many things that could be better. In my utopian version of society I can see big companies like Uber providing special onco-drives for patients coming from treatment at a special price because, just like me, there can be people who don’t own a car or don’t have a family member to drive them to and from chemo. Only someone who is going through this can see the missing pieces from the system.
You might say: why care? I will say: someday it might be you instead of me and then you’d wished someone would had cared. I see the world with a different lens now as it is easy to believe the system is okay when you are on the healthy side of the world. I would have never picked this lens in order to enrich my vision about the world. It was given to me by God because there is a higher purpose behind this cancer. I don’t see it completely now but I trust the process. Meanwhile I am enjoying and gaining a new sense of appreciation for my hair. I enjoy my new place. I admire the little mushrooms which grew inside my palm pot after I moved in here. I enjoy life as it happens. Day by day.
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Your strength and optimism really shine through in your words. Wishing you continued hope and healing on this journey. You got this, Mary! ❤️
Thank you very much Gabriela!🤗I am determined to remain unrealistically optimistic😆I've got this!
That's the spirit! ❤️
Wish you the best!
Thank you🤗
They say that, there are things that can only be known or understood with experience.
Hopefully, you feel better now..
Experience is everything, I could not understand the intricacies of the challenge of a cancer patient until I became one.
Keep up with the optimism!!!
Yes crazy optimism!!!! I mean heck I take prenatal supplements because I think of my future babies after this challenge is overcomed! That's optimism right there lol
Keep optimism ❤️ you are strong than you think. Keep the mind positive will strongly helpful
Thank you very much🤗
❤️
Light in the Dark 2 is a stunning image. I won't repeat what I've said before about your diagnosis.
Stay strong, and go through that hell and emerge stronger.
Thanks so much! Taking photos is relaxing and also a means to take my mind off the matter at hand.
You are beautiful inside and out, and your words reflect that.
I had never thought about the shortcomings of the healthcare system, specifically for cancer patients. I enjoyed reading all the solutions you propose. Ideas are seeds, and hopefully some of them will sprout.
In my country, Venezuela, the capital provides houses for children with cancer and a family member who live in the interior of the country. There, they are given food and can stay as long as they need. I know this first-hand because a cousin of mine stayed there. He survived, but his mother (my aunt), who also had cancer at the time, did not. In the end, when he was saved, they offered to take him to Disneyworld, but he couldn't go. I imagine it's a reward for winning the battle.
Your way of dealing with the disease is admirable. With that mindset, you will be cured soon. I'll tell you that I had a benign breast tumour and had a partial mastectomy. I went through that process in silence, only my mother knew, because I didn't want to deal with people's pity. The hardest thing for me was that the oncologist himself kept telling me that I had cancer, which is why he did three biopsies before operating, and I always refused to accept that diagnosis with such faith that I was sure it wasn't cancer, that I simply had that tumour because I was affected by my aunt's situation.
In the end, the tumour was very large but benign. I didn't need chemotherapy and I'm fine. I spent five years undergoing check-ups. You have the power to change your biology, keep that in mind.
I send you my love and hope to read your posts about your pregnancies in the future. @creativemary 🙌🤗😘
Thank you very much for sharing your story! There are some NGOs which offer housing for families but they are mainly in the capital of the country. There is yet to be developed a national network of help for oncology patients.
Mindset is everything. Some doctors can put you down , other might not care while others can lift you up.
I believe that going through pain in silence is more difficult. I could not imagine not speaking up and sharing what I am going through precisely for a sense of support.
I can't wait to put this behind me and have some babies hahahha. First I'll get married, share that, then get pregnant and share that too.
you are strong woman, god bless you with good of health
Amen!
Have you thought of documenting it as a piece of art. Not just visual but as a package. It could be documentary but it doesn't need to be.
Interesting idea. I thought of documenting my journey in the sense of writing about what I am going through, taking video snippets whenever I feel like it with the idea of : 1. Helping myself first, 2. Being able to have something to look back years from now to empower me and humble me 3. To help whoever might feel inspired by my story.
Feel free to develop your idea more and offer me suggestions, I am always open to different perspectives
One of the things that I did myself is make a book, but a book as a piece of art both as a whole and what it contained. I used deckle edged art quality paper which I hand stitched into a binding and then made a cover that was quite tactile rather than 3D with motifs on it that you could feel but not see very well. That way it gave it a "hidden depth". The inside of the hard cover I just gave a professional finish to. The finished thing looked and felt otherworldly like you were picking up something esoteric and there was hidden meaning in it, which I suppose there was as it was an insight and documentary of what I was thinking. It documented a time and feeling for me.
You can get all you need for the binding part cheap on sites like Temu. The mesh for wrapping the pages and sewing to I used rolls of builders dry wall repair tape (that was such a find).
If it helps here is my introductory post on Hive. A few bits of art on Hive too
https://hive.blog/art/@sugarfix/another-rainy-saturday-so-decided-to-make-a-piccy
https://hive.blog/pal/@sugarfix/chocolate-my-realtionship-with-a-delicious-monster-and-lust-a-picture
Everything I do is catharsis really. The quote by Picasso in the intro is as near as perfect for me.
I love what you said "...any sort of victory is first achieved in the mind and then in the physical realm"
This is so true
Thank you🤗
Your attitude is amazing! 💖
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Thank you very much🤗
Truly inspiring! The way you approach this challenge with courage, hope, and humor is incredible. You’ve chosen to focus on life, not just the illness and how you see light even in dusty, abandoned corners. That mindset is a true superpower.❤️
Humour is my best friend. I plan on laughing all the way baby. I'll shed tears of joy when I'll give birth to my babies.
Mindset is everything. Everything.
Thank you for your lovely comment🤗
That’s the spirit! 😍 Humor and a strong mindset can carry you through anything. Keep believing, those tears of joy are waiting for you.💕
Thank you for sharing this. To be sincere the rate of breast cancer is alarming. I do wonder what could be done to avoid it. I can't count how many times I check my own breast to see if there's anything of concern. But I really admire your courage, strength and beauty
Yes it is an increase in the number of cases. I personally stopped wondering what could I have done in order to "get it". I have no idea. No family history. No bad eating habits. It just happened. I believe that putting my worries in the hands of the Lord is better than ruminating. Life is so precious that it is not worth worrying about anything at all really. Take it as it is.
Thank you for your support🤗
Ur welcome
Dear Mary, my name is Marian, and I am Zac's wife. He read your post to me, and I was so moved and impressed by your courage, your faith, and your hope. Zac is very touchy about these things as he has had some really bad experiences in his life. I asked him if I could reply to you. Just to tell you that you are covered in prayer. You have a wonderful outlook about your life, and you are a role model for all of us, especially for those who are going through dark and scary storms of their own. Although you are far from your support base, you are actually not alone as you rely fully on the One who reigns in your life. We are inspired by your will power and uniqueness. Thank you for reminding us about keeping one's dreams alive and staying optimistic. All blessings to you, and God's peace in your heart.
Kind wishes, Marian and Zac.
Hello Marian! This comment is so warm, so thoughtful and so caring, thank you for writing this to me! I am not alone as I have God. In other times, when my faith was shaky, I would have felt utterly scared, alone and abandoned in the front of fate. Now I feel that God has a plan behind this. I mean...the whole thing with the art contest leading me to this new town where I also found out that I have the breast cancer. It looks like divine work, just like you see in the movies. So I refuse to think that God led me until now only to leave me. No way. Through faith I must triumph. And I pray to always have a big smile on my face and demolish the myth of miserable cancer patients. In the end...what is it to fear anyway? I am writing and keeping a journal of what I feel and what I do on a daily basis so after all of my journey is done I might be able to help others. Years from now.I will lok back on my posts and remember the grace of God. I believe in the power of prayer and this is the greatest gift that any Hive member can give to me without any cost: sincer heartfelt prayer.
Hugs to you Marian and Zac🤗🤗
You are definitely going about this in a heroic fashion Mary, and one day when the storm is over, your writings could help so many other fearful souls. Maybe a book titled "How to face the storms in life".
Your inner strength is amazing, and we know where it comes from. Phillipians 4:13
Stay strong and take care 🙏❤️
!LADY
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Hello, Mary. Upon reading your story, I was touch how strong and optimistic you are. Though I have been through challenges like open heart surgery, but your story is unique. Don't lose hope and faith, praying for your recovery soonest. I also have my cousin who was battling of breast cancer before, and she even have a chemotherapy but now seeing her happy with her family, and also gifted with a child after her chemotherapy session. I can imagine the same situation with you. Be strong always Ma'am and Trust the Lord process.
I trust the Lord! Thank you for your supporting words🤗