Why some people seem naturally confident (and what the rest of us can learn)

you know how sometimes you see someone just... own a room? Like, they walk in, talk easily, don't seem bothered by much? And maybe you've thought, "Man, I wish I had that kind of natural confidence. Must be nice to be born with it.

Yeah, I used to think that exactly. Like, some people just popped out of the womb radiating self-assurance, right? But honestly? After going through my own stuff... I started to see it differently.Let me share a little story from my own life.

Growing up As a kid, I didn’t really think much about confidence. I wasn't super loud or anything, but I also didn't walk around feeling less than anyone. I was just... me. Totally cool with that. Then? Secondary school hit. and with it, a level of criticism I’d never known. See, I’m naturally dark in complexion, and some classmates decided that was the perfect target for jokes, —some of the most absurd things you can imagine. At first, it felt silly, like we were all just messing around. But then it stopped being funny and started feeling like a spotlight on every insecurity I never knew I had. It started to feel... heavy. Embarrassing. Really overwhelming. I remember one day in junior secondary, I almost cried in class because the comments hurt so much. It became overwhelming.

Over time, I got used to it—sad but true. That phase is over. I toughened up." But looking back? Oh man, those words? They dug in deep. They chipped away at something inside me, that easy comfort I used to have in just being me. It broke this little protective shell I didn't even know I had as a kid. Getting that quiet confidence back? It took time.

What helped? First, I had to learn to accept and appreciate myself the way I was. I realized I was Not Dumb—like, actually smart—which gave me a little boost of “Hey, I’ve got something going on here.” But I didn’t stop there. I started hanging out with people who lifted me up, who encouraged me instead of tearing me down. Bit by bit, I felt my old self returning, only stronger.

So yeah, a lot of us have been through stuff that chips away at our self-esteem—mean words, teenage drama, whatever. But then there are people who seem to have confidence baked right in. What’s their secret? Here are a few things I’ve noticed and that anyone can learn:

They know themselves.
Confident people tend to have a clear picture of their strengths and weaknesses. They aren’t perfect (nobody is), but they’ve accepted who they are. Think about it: when you know what you bring to the table, you’re less worried about someone else’s opinion. So, take a moment today and jot down three things you’re proud of, no matter how small.

They Don't Dwell (Outwardly): This is key. They might feel insecure sometimes too – everyone does! – but they've learned (maybe without even realizing it) not to let it paralyze them. They act despite the wobble. They fake it 'til they make it... and eventually, the "making it" feels real.

They surround themselves with support.
Remember how I found my footing hanging out with encouraging friends? Confident people often have a circle that believes in them. That doesn’t mean they never face critics, but they have people ready with a genuine compliment or a listening ear when needed.

They keep learning and growing.
Confidence isn’t a one-and-done deal. It’s like watering a plant—you’ve got to keep at it. Read a book, take a class, practice a skill. Every new win, no matter how small, waters that confidence.

Seeing confidence as "natural" makes it feel out of reach. But seeing it as a skill, or maybe just the absence of certain hurts? That changes everything. Here’s the takeaway:

.Be Your Own Best Friend.

Find Your Anchors: What are you actually good at? What do you enjoy? Lean into that! It doesn't have to be world-changing. Maybe you're a great listener, an amazing cook, super organized, or know everything about 80s movies. Own it! Celebrate those strengths. They’re proof you’re not defined by your weaknesses or past hurts.

Audit Your People: This is so important. Who makes you feel energized? Who makes you feel drained? Who builds you up? Who subtly (or not-so-subtly) tears you down? Spend WAY more time with the first group. Limit time with the second. Your environment is powerful.

Action Before Feeling: Don't wait to feel confident to act. Often, confidence follows action. Sign up for the thing. Raise your hand. Talk to that person. Do it scared. The more you do it, the less scary it becomes, and the more evidence you have that you can handle it.

Look, it’s not an overnight switch. Rebuilding confidence after it's been knocked down is like building muscle – it takes consistent effort.