The Little Things
Another day, another adventure.
Though instead of camping inside, today's adventure was out of the house and was only a trip to the city to do some shopping, and have a daddy-daughter coffee date. We took the bus and tram into the city rather than driving, because that way we could ride the tram down the main street to a few stops on the one ticket, rather than parking and walking. It is also cheaper than parking for more than an hour, because parking is silly expensive for such a small city.
Smallsteps hates shopping.
But she didn't mind it today.
Because we were shopping for her. She has a couple gift cards she got from her birthday and Christmas, so we went firstly to the bookstore to pick up the last in the series she is reading, and then to a kind of random store that didn't have much for kids, which makes it a weird gift card for a kid. So, instead of buying some crap, she made the executive decision to buy a pretty notebook, a pencil, pen and an eraser, so she can write more.
And then we went for a slice of cake.
This might sound weird, but I feel bad when she has to spend too much time with me, because I feel that I am always teaching her something, or adjusting her behaviour in some way. I don't mean to do it, but it is part of my nature and it is hard to repress it. I am trying to be more aware so I can catch and stop myself more often, but I have limited success. Also, I feel like I have to teach her what I can, when I can, because I am quite conscious that I am not going to be around forever, and that "not around" can come much sooner than expected.
Despite the various health issues and one very close shave, I don't think my wife really acknowledges how valuable time is. For her, there is always later when it comes to what I consider are the things that matter. This is not to say that she doesn't spend time with our daughter, because she does and she is a super great mother, but for many things, it is a "one day" approach. For me, today is the day for pretty much everything. Yet despite the sense of urgency I have, actually getting things done is a monumental challenge for me since the stroke.
But when I am with Smallsteps, I try extra hard to push through whatever issues I am dealing with myself and attempt to get things done. Most of the time, it really is a physical effort to hold my attention on what she is saying, and I have to keep telling myself to listen closely, even though I can feel my mind drawing away. It isn't because she is boring that I feel this, quite the opposite. It just takes effort and the more attention I have to pay, the less energy I have to keep my patience in check. One day she will read this perhaps and realise I was a terrible father, but I don't mean that I don't want to listen to her. It is just a struggle, because of the way I am.
The other day she called me whilst I was at the gym, and through tears burbled something about the kitchen table and a marker that had gone through while onto the surface, and she couldn't clean it off. I calmed her down and then changed the subject to the ice cream I was going to get for us on the way home, since it was a daddy-daughter evening. Once home and before I saw what had happened, I just asked if she was alright and she said she called because she thought it would be better to tell me straight away, rather than wait. Absolutely.
I get frustrated easily, and I am far more impatient than I was and would like to be. But again, before I had seen the white stone table top, I said that I only get "angry" with small things. With big things that actually mean something, I am pretty calm. And this is not a lie and I wonder why it goes that way. Small things frustrate me, like when people don't pack the dishwasher well, or are too lazy to break down a cereal box so that it is flat. Nonsense stuff. But big things, I am okay.
It is strange.
And I had already decided that whatever happens with the benchtop, this is not going to be an issue. If it is ruined, so be it. But it will be a lesson. However, since I am pretty good at cleaning stuff because I take the time and use the right cleaners, with a little bit of effort I was able to clean the marker off the benchtop and all was well. And instead of being angry, I talked Smallsteps through the process, but said that if something like this happens again, it is still better to call first because it might need a different treatment.
We then watched a documentary on baby wild animals together.
I just wish I could regain some of my ability to stay calmer and get some of my patience back. I can likely affect it a bit further, but it will never return to where it was, because I will never have the same energy levels I used to be able to give my attention. I am always in that "too mentally tired" state that lowers willpower and lets attention wander away from where I want to focus.
But I try.
And I will keep trying to get better at it, because especially now that Smallsteps is getting a bit older, this is going to be her experience of me. Even recently she has asked what I was like before the stroke, and I had to tell her that I was different, better. But I also assured her that whatever happens, I will always try to be my best for her, even when I fail. And I fail often. And this worries me because despite all of the little lessons we have throughout the day, she is going to remember the way I behave first and foremost.
And that is not the person I would have wanted her to know.
But we all have our struggles in life, and we all fail sometimes at least. I am not the role model I wanted to be for Smallsteps, but I am still a role model in kind and as such, at least I can let her see me keep trying despite the failures and perhaps, despite the lack of success. I think that if I was single and childless, I would have given up long ago. The day will arrive when I am not here or anywhere, and I hope at that time, I will have done enough.
Taraz
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Spending time together, today, now, is the wiser choice. Later, is more convenient, especially in the short run, but the unwanted negative effects materialize later.
Don't, worry, your daughter will grow to one day appreciate the sacrifices you're making for well-being, she's definitely taking note now. I think your greatest reward for impacting her life the ways you're doing now, will be seeing what great and wonderful lady she'll be when she matures.
I hope and pray you're around for that day to come, the day you will celebrate her numerous successes and the day she'll be glad you raised her the way you did, you're doing now.
May 'not around' not be for you or your wife for the next couple decades at least. Smallsteps needs both her parents. I might call you a near-quintessential dad. Maybe not. Maybe I'm stretching too far.
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You are definitely stretching. I am far, far, far away from that.
I am not sure if I want to be recognised for the sacrifices, or if it is more about being able to be happy with myself with what I am doing. At the moment, I am not.
You Mr. Taraz are making a beautiful bond with your daughter, what I want to emphasize is that when one of the parents fails someone else can also assume this function.
It does not mean that he will do better, or that this absence will leave no traces. But there are key figures who can make up for this lack, as many close life stories reveal to us.
I hope she finds people who can help her grow healthier than I can.
Amen, let it be so 🙏
You and I both.
Just did the best I could do with what I knew with mine. Would I have done some things different. Yeah, some. But all in all my kids love me. So guess I did okay. You should feel the same. Do your best with what you have. Sounds to me your doing well as father from all reading.
Maybe this is the fear for me? Not that she won't love me, but that she will be forced to love what she doesn't actually like.
I am sure she will like you as well.
obsessed with the “big milestones” that we forget that life really happens in those little intervals you mention. Those details are not just background “noise”, but the main melody. Thank you for reminding us that true wealth is not a destination, but the ability to appreciate what is already in front of us. A brotherly hug.
I like the journey more these days, even though I hate the journey I am on.
My friend @tarazkp, if you take the phrase ‘I like the journey more these days, even though I hate the journey I am on’*** at face value, you are simply living your own oxymoron. Blessings.
Parking is nuts. Such a racket too. They actually make so much money. Just think about how many people over pay, but then never recoup their costs. Then someone else comes along and pays for the spot again, so they are basically double dipping. I remember when our basement flooded. My wife was a hot mess. I just kept laughing and telling l her it wasn't that bad. It wasn't until they started tearing everything out and we saw all we had lost that it started sinking in for me.
Here it is all done through apps and whatnot, so you can't "overpay" for someone else, but there is a fee to use the app. It is ludicrous. You can't use cash to park anymore...
I guess it is better not to panic at the start at least - soften the blow.
Oh,see we use apps too, but you have to guess how long you are going to be there. So I always guess longer than I really need. So say I pay for an hour, but I only use a half hour. They still keep the money for an hour, plus someone else might come along and pay in that second half of the hour and then they get my money plus the new money.
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Careful with that, it becomes an addiction real quick XD I had to make some parameters around stationery acquisition otherwise I would have a hoard that grew way faster than I was using it x_x
at least I actually use things now, before they would just kind of be there because I WANTED to use it (that's why I bought it) but I didn't want to "ruin"/"waste" it.
Not really (at least not to me). With the small things you can afford to get angry/annoyed because it really genuinely does not matter one iota (unless of course you go way too over the top and start damaging relationships because you're literally screaming at people over things that really genuinely do not matter one iota). With the big things, you really do need to be calm/rational to adequarely/appropriately deal with it. And I guess all that pent up rage/anger that you've put aside to be calm/rational has to go somewhere so it explodes out over stupid little things that really don't matter.
I don't think any of us are but I guess there's a difference with knowing this and trying anyway and thinking that you're perfect (and being surprised and butthurt when other people think otherwise) or just not trying at all (either because you lack any trace of self-awareness or "don't see the point").
It will get that way soon. On a more positive note - she has started drawing from instructional videos on the internet yesterday and is now using a pencil much better.
I have a lot of pent up anger!
Ahh art tutorials, those things I look up when I need to know how to do something, stare at for a little bit and then go ahead and do my own thing anyway x_x
the Blender tutorials will usually at least show me how to do the thing I was clueless about before XD
Yay for using the pencil better! Has she developed those weird grips you start doing when you need to do different pressure levels at different consistencies or you're trying to do avoid smudging? XD
Sometimes I wonder if the pent up anger it's a generational thing. Plus I think I inherited some from my mother (I know she had a LOT of pent up anger and I only recently found out at least one major reason why, and I have reasons to be mad about a lot of things but not to this ridiculous extreme).
This is where I found offline journalling most useful XD Anyone going through my journal Obsidian vault (well after I'm dead thanks) could be easily forgiven for thinking that I hated everything and everyone x_x
I think those little adventures, like a coffee date and shopping, create lasting memories that she will cherish forever ;)
We'll see - if I am around :)
I also think the same, teaching to my son whatever is important while I can, you never know, tomorrow you might wake up cold... You won't be around forever and who will teach those things to our kids when we are gone?
Keep the mind in them talking is not easy as it's an endless blabbing one thing after the other and it really drains your energy, and also I don't have patience, I used to have but over the years that limit lowered
Hopefully someone better than me :)
The problem I have with this is that when she was young and perhaps it was less important, I had the patience. Now, she notices.
Your transparency about the mental fatigue after a stroke is so important for others to hear. We often judge ourselves by our internal struggle, but Smallsteps is judging you by your presence. To her, the dad who cleans the marker off the table and watches baby animal documentaries is the best version. You are doing enough.
The many other worse versions are more frequent though! :D
You write like you’re worried she’ll remember the impatience more than the effort.
But kids are strangely perceptive about effort.
She’s watching you try. Watching you push through mental fatigue. Watching you choose calm at the table even when you could have chosen irritation. Watching you clean the marker instead of escalating the moment. Watching you admit you’re not who you were, but still showing up.
One negative weighs twice that of a positive. So just to draw even, it requires twice as much positive.
As parents, everyone of us try to do our best. We all make mistakes and have those feelings but in the end, what matters is all the love we give our kids in all its different ways and situations. You may think she will remember you by the way you behave, but that is your perception and not her's. She will remember all the time, experiences and love you are sharing together, some of them will be learning experiences, others loving ones. But what she is enjoying is a father which spends time with her and is willing to do so and time with our loving ones is the best we can give and receive in life.
This is true. I wonder if I should ask her about it. Do you talk to your kids about these things?
That's a good question, and no, I don't do it maybe because I never stopped to think about it when he was younger (he is 24 now). But it is true that the more you run conversations with your kids, the better and bigger connection you have with them, no matter what the talk is about. Even now that he is older and it is harder, I still try to spend time alone with him every once in a while as I realize time together is what I enjoy the most.
You’re clearly a loving dad. Even with struggles, your daughter absolutely feels how much you care every single day.
I am not so sure about either.
Keep trying, for a girl dad is a very important role figure, because she will base her future partner choices based on how you are...