Admitted.
Lily came back early! I got a call on Sunday, she was bored and wanted to come back 2 days early, and her mom was okay with it and brought her over. We took the chance to settle the "Permission to leave the country" for Lily, so I can take her to Germany on Christmas. I already had bought the tickets - usually, I waited cautiously for her mom to sign the document, and then buy the tickets in case she changed her mind.
But as I wrote in post not long ago, we've come a long way. And those little leaps of faith are necessary to further re-build the trust, little by little, step by step. Each time that she stands to her word, one link of the broken chain is repaired.
It still is the genius of the hole, though. No matter how far we got, we can fall back to square one in an instant.
Hence, I'm still a little nervous when she says she wants to talk to me in person about something regarding Lily. As she did this time. Since she was cool all the time, signed the permission and such without hesitation and even came back to sign a second time after the lawyer (!) screwed up Lily's name (it's not complicated in real life, either) while having the ID in front of him. Reading and writing and being concentrated is just not en vogue anymore...
Anyway. It was one topic that we had already talked about, where she did take the words of someone she didn't know a little to serious, probably because they fit the narrative that she wanted to believe. I did fend that one of, I have to set some limits.
The second one was interesting. She said that I have to watch my drinking. Although her arguments were weak, based again on taking word-of-mouth too serious, she has a point. It's a point that I was making for a while.
"You have to control your alcohol consumption."
And I have been doing that, for a while now. During the year with Lily living here, I refrained from drinking inner week. I'm not talking getting wasted here, just one-three beers (0,5 liter each), depending on company and mood. One reason was that I don't want her to grow up with the impression that it's nor problem to drink a beer every evening, because that can easily turn into a problem without one noticing. Having been around many different addictive behaviors, I'm pretty conscious of that and inclined to preventive measurements, rather too careful than too sloppy.
Not 25 anymore.
Second reason is that my body does react more negatively to alcohol, especially in the evening, and I don't sleep as well, which then leads to less energy. And I need a truckload of energy to be able to pay enough attention to both Lily, my work and my girlfriend, in the first row.
Genes, genes, genes.
Third reason is heritage. My father had a stroke during a brain artery surgery, and recently several stents put into his heart arteries, too. It's a genetic thing, and I have to be tested, soon. Even if I got lucky - alcohol consumption always raises that risk. And I really want to be here while Lily takes over the whole world and then enjoy life under her rule.
The thrill is gone.
Fourth reason is enjoyment. When something becomes a habit, especially while talking about an addictive substance, it loses a lot of the initial feeling. I remember that I never liked to smoke as it tastes really bad to me, but from time to time I enjoyed a drag and the strong nicotine flash that came with it. With beer, it's similar. I enjoy the taste, I like it really much, especially a good, strong Pils, like Jever in Germany. I enjoy the buzz, that light feeling when the alcohol hits.
But as soon as that became a habit, the thrill was gone. The first sips might have the good taste, but then quickly became tasteless. The buzz just wasn't special anymore. But the first two beer on Friday evening after not having had a sip all week? Perfect. That one time I had one beer on a sunny Sunday morning on the rooftop listening to electronic music, enjoying nostalgia from my university days? Priceless.
I want to got back to that. Consciously enhancing special moments with a special taste and feeling instead of numbing them down through a habit with signs of addiction.
I admitted.
And I was able to say that. Not to go against her words, and instead saying "yes, I'm with you on that topic, that's why I do a) and b) and c)." Admitting that my regular behavior is something that affects both me and Lily without debunking the arguments she used, and stating that I have to change that - in front of the woman that usually takes those things, spins them around and guts me with them. She didn't, this time, which was another link in the chain.
And even if, I'm conscious of the work I'm putting into things. I know that I'm on the right path and that I'm doing a very good job on all fronts. She will move closer to us, be more present. I'm confident that she will then see that a lot of the things that she pictured in her mind are different in reality. And I hope that will bring her more calmness and trust, and hence, add more links to the chain.
What are your thoughts about this topic? Please feel free to engage in any original way, including dropping links to your posts on similar topics.
I'm happy to read (and curate) any quality content that is not created by LLM/AI, as well as read your own experience and point of view, I love to learn!
It's amazing that you've come to the realisation that booze doesn't serve you anymore. It's a long journey and once you let the brain monkeys convince you it's fine, or you 'deserve' a drink after a long day's work or as a reward, or one extra doesn't hurt, you're back drinking again. I'm at the same stage as you - I need sleep, and I don't function as well, and I'm generally just not as healthy when I drink. It's taken a while to get here, and I'm glad I don't bother anymore - maybe every few weeks I have a good, expensive glass of red wine (or two) and boy I enjoy that a lot more than a daily, even if I have to sacrifice sleep for it. I've been training my husband (i.e nagging?) to not see alcohol as a reward - he does NOT deserve one for mowing the lawn, working all week, or whatever - if he wants one, admit that, but dont see it as a reward! One must train one's brain monkeys.
Exactly, the brain-training is what I left out. I like those kind of challenges for myself, and this one is quite big. I've been used to having a beer whenever I wanted for a long time now. Sometimes it's more, sometimes less, and sometimes I don't drink for a month - but on purpose. It's harder to do it from time to time, to really change that custom into a treat, than to just let go completely. But I think I can get to the point where you are - enjoying a really good glass of wine or bottle of beer every once in a while. And congratulations on achieving that!
Ha and don't even get me started on my journey to being an ex smoker! Same thing.
Lol, luckily, I've never been that. Never liked the flavor much. But I heard and see from others that it's quite difficult. There are people though who just quit from one day to the next, if they have a good reason. So, indeed, it is all in the mind that controls the body in those cases.
It is true what you say about certain habits that if we are not careful can turn into addictions. For me, drinking a little beer helps me feel good, and if I have one, two or three from time to time, everything is fine. But I'm also not 25 years old, and I've noticed that if I go over those amounts, I get a headache and I don't feel so good anymore. On the other hand, that you are making all these changes for your daughter and for not giving your ex-partner arguments to use against you, is perfectly understandable, laudable and reasonable. I congratulate you for your willpower and intelligence.
Thank you very much!
"From time to time" is the key, the time between the events. It had become too regularly for my taste, hence my decisions. I do go overboard sometimes, when Lily is not here, and it's fine. The last time was a huge wedding, and it was a lot of fun to get reasonably drunk and then switch to water for the rest of the evening. And I hadn't planned for anything on the next day, on purpose :-D
Not drinking is a choice. Being asked not to drink by someone else is also a profession of love- they can see the harm, they can see the waste, and they don't want to cause you more rapid decay.
I have a friend who always wants to drink. They are very persuasive. The next time they ask, I'm just going to say to him "If you truly loved me, mate, you'd take my first no and know that I don't need to drink to have a good time with you."
And then I'll see the reaction. I reckon I can make the bloke cry :P
Yeah, it can be just that, but it's hard to take it like that. And it can also be very far from that, just the repetition of something they heard, used as an argument.
In your case, yes, I agree, it's weird that someone wants to make you drink though they know you don't. I wish you all the luck with that phrase! Maybe you could phrase it more scary so it's not as romantic:
"If you truly loved me, mate, you'd take my first no and know that I don't need to drink alcohol to have a good time with you, your tears are enough."
"If I bottled your tears, I'd be truly drunk. If I fermented them..."
Hm, the salt content in tears is too high to ferment them... Let me ask the browser about that...
So, theoretically, if you added some sugar and bacteria, tears could be fermented, yes. The salt content of 0,9% is not high enough to prevent that.
Beer made from tears!
And now on stage: Tears for Beers!
Oh, cry me a pint!
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STOPI could drink a lot of alcohol in my student years. Then too. And now, at 49, when visiting someone I can drink more than half a liter of vodka (my weight of 115 kg allows me to do this without staggering).
The problem is different, I began to notice that I want to drink on ordinary days (a liter of beer or 0.6 wine or 200 grams of cognac). In my opinion, this is bad. A few days ago I bought several brands of puer tea (very invigorating stuff). Now I drink tea (from morning to lunch) and realized that I absolutely do not want to buy beer. There is probably some power in replacing one drink with another.
I tried that. But there's nothing quite like beer, the same amount and a similar feeling. I usually go for my big water bottle instead 😅
I'm good with just letting it pass. If I had a few beers on the weekend, there usually is a crave on Monday, but that's easy to control. Also, when I meet up with others that are drinking, it gets a little complicated. But the more aware I am, the easier it gets.
Great progress! Her signing the papers for the trip to Germany and bringing up issues to address means she's also giving things a deep thought.
I think drawing a line and sticking with it is always the hardest part with addictions. The lines can be arbitrary for special occasions but also keep it enforced, which I find to be a bit easier when I look at it from the pov that I'm not just living for myself.
It's a work in progress, but with progress. I'm always a little scared about that, not because of rational thinking, but because of the experiences I had. I just commented on one of Galenkp's post that I tend to take 50/50 risks quite often, as I developed the skill to make the best out of something going wrong. With her, it feels like a worse risk, but in reality, it's better. Until it isn't, of course.
And yes, those lines are important. I do easier if I have a certain number in mind. If I tell myself - I'll only have 2 beer tonight! - on a Friday, it's a lot easier to stick to that. And even more so if I tell others.