My Forgiveness Story.....LOH #250

Sincerely, it never occurred to me that forgiveness could be harder and heavier than the hurt, not until the day I met Ayo again.

After almost five years since we last spoke. Back then, we were called twins. We were inseparable, and shared almost everything together..... secrets, food, clothes and all. Then came a particular day that tore us apart. She betrayed me in a way I never expected, in a way I couldn’t even come up with a best word to describe it. The shame of it still made me feel uneasy when I remembered. Then, I didn’t just lose a friend, I lost a sister I thought I had.

In the following years, I became a pro at avoiding her. Everyone knew we had fought. If she walked into a place, I would step out, if someone mentioned her name while discussing, I would change the topic. I had told myself I had moved on from the damage she caused me, but of a truth I hadn't, I carried it all about, it was too small to do away with and too painful to ignore as well.

One Thursday afternoon, fate decided to show up. I was in the market, carrying a small bit heavy bag, as I turned to face the opposite side, we jammed, I stumbled and she did as well. I looked up at who I collided with, and behold..it was her, Ayo. I froze on the spot.She was looking at me and I did same too, I wasn't just staring at her, I was studying her. Seh looked older and thinner, but she still had that same smile that used to make me feel like the world was a good place.

We stood there for just a few seconds, bit it felt like hours. I can't even remember who spoke first. But I remember she told me she was sorry. No long talk, no excuses, no explanations.... just a simple, “I’m sorry, please forgive me.”

Funny thing is, those words can feel so small, yet carrying a lot of weight. I wanted to talk, I wanted to yell, I wanted to let her know she hurt me, and tell her how many nights I cried, how I lost trust in people and how I doubted myself. All because of what she did. But instead, I just smiled and nodded.

I got home, did what I was supposed to and retired to bed for the night. But, I couldn’t sleep, her face kept flashing in my mind, and I kept wondering if I should forgive her, I wondered if she deserves my forgiveness. A part of me said, No, and another said, Yes, for your peace.

Over the years, I’ve learned that forgiveness is mostly not about the other person. These people go on with their lives, while you (the offended) carry the weight of their wrong all about. The fact that you forgive doesn’t mean you forget. The fact that you forgive doesn't mean what the other person did was good, it doesn't mean what happened was okay, and it doesn't necessitate that you let them back into your life. It only means that you’re tired of letting the hurt or anger take away your peace.

And, of a truth...It is not easy. Humans tend to make forgiveness sound/look simple, as if you just wake up one morning and decide to let go. It can take days, months or even years. For me, I realized I didn’t need to/I can't force myself to forget everything Ayo did. Forgetting to me isn’t realistic, it's very rare....Choosing not to let the memory control you is the goal.

That week, I collected her number from a friend and sent her a message. She didn't explain or give excuses when she apologized as well, so, I didn't write a long message too. “I forgive you and I’m not ready to go back to how things were between us...but I wish you well.” That was the message I sent. And, I didnspot.She’t send it for her, I sent it for me. I felt relieved, as if a heavy burden I didn't know I was carrying was lifted off my chest.

Forgiving won't erase the past, but it will free one from reliving it every day. We may never be close again, but I no longer feel somehow when I hear her name. And that is okay for me.

Should we always forgive? My answer is Yes. It is not for them, neither is it because they deserve it, but because you deserve to live without the weight of resentment pressing in on you. And, even though you may never forget, forgiving is enough to make you free. You deserve peace.

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