An All-time Low For Me
I think one of the most painful situations in life is when we fail ourselves. There’s a way many people expect us to behave, a belief that they want us to conform to. And it’s alright for the most part. When we don’t meet that expectation, we feel bad about it. But our shortcomings. The things we set for ourselves. The values and principles we place our whole personality on. When we do something that completely overrides those values or falls short of them, it’s a different level of hurt.
We know that there are some things we would never say or do. And when we do it, we feel so low. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But I try as much as I can not to compromise on the values I believe in and I did. In a most terrible way.
I think I’ve said before how happy I was that my friends found me a safe space to share their problems. They knew I would listen and most of all that I wouldn’t judge them for anything they said and that they would be guaranteed to hear the truth from me. They were happy. It made me happy. All was good.
And so, this friend of mine, I’ll call her Joy. She was constantly having issues with the guy she was in a relationship with. I frankly didn’t like the guy and told her so on several occasions. But since I noticed that it made her feel bad, I stopped voicing out my displeasure.
Months later, she cried to me that she discovered that he was cheating on her and had been for a long time. I refused to give her the I told you so look in any way and comforted her. She felt okay and not so long after, she moved on.
Then, one day, there was this investment opportunity I discovered. I saw a lot of potential in it so I said to myself that I was going to invest in it. I told my close friends about it, Joy included. And they all urged me on. Except her. She was of the strong opinion that it was a Ponzi scheme and I was going to lose my money. I told her I felt really good about it but she was adamant and asked that I didn’t do it.
And then I blurted out. “If only you were this perceptive in your relationship, maybe you would have realised what was going on right under your nose.” I knew I had messed up the second I ended it. And promptly began to apologize. Since it was over the phone, she was deathly silent. And then when she finally spoke, all she said was, “Wow. So this was how you felt all along? That’s cool. Thanks for everything.” And she hung up.
I don’t think I’d ever felt so ashamed of myself. It was like I’d hit an all-time low. Throwing something she had shared with me so earnestly meant that I was judgemental of her in my heart. Till date, I don’t know where that came from. But it was so terrible for me to fathom the harm I’d caused with one sentence and I couldn’t imagine how much more terrible and betrayed she felt.
I didn’t let the wrong I caused her fester into something so I sent her a text a couple of hours later apologizing profusely. She didn’t reply and I didn’t expect her to. It was a terrible night being able to sleep. But it wasn’t about me so I understood. It was kind of confusing the next day, wondering if I should give her space or talk. But eventually, I tried again. I asked her if I could come over and talk and when she agreed, I got her chocolates. Did it feel like I was bribing her since I knew she loved chocolates? Maybe. But I was confused and needed her to at least not beat me up, figuratively that is. So I got lots of them with me and went to talk to her.
Told her how genuinely remorseful I was and assured her that I didn’t judge her in any way. She spoke her mind. Said how sad she felt that I’d use something like that against her. It was a pretty long conversation and I was shamefaced for the most part but we resolved and hugged and it made me so happy that we were okay. It took more than that to forgive myself however but I eventually did it.
That event was about a year and a half ago but I learnt a huge lesson from it. I’m sure she’s long forgotten about it but I never made that same mistake again. I feel it’s beyond low, using the things people share with us against them. It’s not a nice thing to do no matter how mad you are at that person. You can say your piece, be mad or lash out without using people’s insecurities against them or throwing their secrets at their faces.
We learn and grow every day. Let’s never forget the importance of being nice to everyone around us.
Jhymi🖤
Image is mine.
I know that feeling. I don’t think I have done that since I got to understand how awful it could be. Hehe. You still fixed it. Bravo!
Thank you. It's hard sometimes but I try to accept that I could be wrong sometimes. A lot of times actually.
In the case of giving suggestions, I also faced the situation. Some of my friends used to discuss everything with me because they trusted me and they knew that everything would remain secret and I would give them the best suggestion. Sometimes I felt irritated also because they took too much time of mine that I didn't find spare time for myself.
It was not good. I don't think you have done the right thing. I feel you should keep alerting her continuously even if she feels bad. It would be better for her also. If I were in your place I would say to her continuously the guy is not good without caring what she thinks about it. It's a responsibility of a friend I think. I encountered the same situation also and my friend stopped talking with me for some weeks but later he was forced to think about it from my point of view. It helped him to understand the reality.
Oh, I'm guessing you didn't see that part. She is in fact done with the guy. It's been almost two years now. And also you don't just lay accusations and brandish your thoughts about someone's relationship when you have no proof. In the end, we always need to respect the decisions of the people we love.
I have seen it and I said it in spite of it.
It's logical and they act like a blind and proof is needed but even without proof you can insist on her.
The most important thing is it's the past now and nothing will happen discussing about it. 🤣🤣
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Thank you. I'm so glad it did.🥰
Hope you're having a good day, Milly.
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My heart sank when I read that sentence, because I lived vicariously through your friend in that moment and felt the hurt. Because of that possibility, I dread letting people in on the depths of my heart. It's hard to feel that way, betrayed. But then, I wouldn't say I don't understand how you may have felt when you made that mistake. You may have been infuriated by her stance on your suggestion, and so it happened, although it's not an excuse. What matters is that you realised, felt sober, and sought to make your friend feel less betrayed and forgive you, for tranquility (and your the forgiveness of yourself). Thankfully, Joy had a forgiving heart to let you in. We're only humans after all.
Yeah. It was a terrible thing to do. I'm glad she could forgive me about it. I hadn't done that before. It was a one-time thing and I learnt my lesson so it turned out well, I think. It's certainly not something I could even remotely do again.
Thank you for your thoughtful words as always, @olujay🌺
Nicely written @jhymi.
In this instance I would not be so hard on yourself, because you have the ability of self reflection and self accountability, which is an ever increasingly rare trait in this world.
Being able to reflect like this with a desire to improve what you identify as negative character traits in yourself is a very great quality to have.
It sounds like you and your friend maintain aspects of a healthy friendship with good boundaries since you were able to rekindle things without resentments being held.
When analyzing the self this way, I find it good to examine triggers. If I can identify what triggered me, I can think in ways which offer me a change in perspective and also behavioral and psychological growth for the better.
It could be perhaps that the trigger was that you felt your friend did not believe in you, and this gave way to a memory of when your good advice about her relationship was not heeded. That's a recipe for such a statement to roll off the tongue.
Now that you've reflected on this experience, you will definitely improve with how you handle this type of thing in the future :)
I guess I'd never looked at it that way. I mean I knew I was wrong but it was the fact that I'd been triggered by her lack of faith in me. My brain immediately brought to light something that I thought was in the recesses of my mind and I said it.
I still feel like I should have stifled that urge but talking about it now and admitting my faults is the final step I've taken to forgive myself about it since according to her, she'd forgiven me long ago. So I'm doubly glad now that I talked about it.
Thank you for these thoughtful words @futuremind. Maybe if you ever wanted a side job, perhaps becoming a therapist?🙃
You definitely have a healthy way of thinking in my opinion.
I'm really happy my perspective resonates with you in a positive way and helps add some perspective.
Feelings of guilt or shame for acting on a trigger just means you're a loving person with a big heart who's empathetic and in touch with the feelings of others.
I've never thought about being a therapist before, but I do naturally like to help others with things I've experienced as well.
If I had a dollar for every time I said something to someone that I regretted later on, I'd probably be able to take an early retirement 😄
I'm really grateful that you see it that way. That you see me in that light. It means a lot.
And please, by all means, we just gotta speak our mind sometimes😄. It's been so wonderful talking with you, dear.🤗
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Sometimes we say things we don't intend to say. You're a very good friend, you realized you were wrong and apologized to her.
I've been in a place like this where I shared some very important things about my life with my so-called friend, only to hear about it from someone else, and the painful part about it was she made me feel worthless and stupid ( not to my face directly). She still hasn't apologized till today and I don't even talk to her anymore because she felt she only said the truth.
I think it's an important but rather rare skill people have these days. Owning up to their faults. Even if she was telling the truth, it wasn't in her place to say it. And it certainly wasn't her secret to share. If you guys are no longer talking, all the better. No one deserves to be treated like that.
So sorry for the late reply, good lady, Meya. Hope you're doing well.🌺
Honestly, no one deserves to be treated that way.
It's all good😊.
Yeah I'm doing great🤗
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Thank you!!
You have a good heart dear. We all make mistakes and I'm glad you were able to work it out in the end.
Thanks for sharing.
#dreemerforlife
Thank you Rukkie. I think this is the best message I've seen today. So sorry for the late reply and I hope you're doing alright.🌺
This is very inspiring. How we treat others is very important, and also it is good to let go of issues that we know that weigh heavily on our mind which may affect our very being or even relationship with others.
#dreemerforlife
Exactly. Finding a way to do right by ourselves and our conscience at all times is the best. Glad to have you here, Adore.🌺
My pleasure stopping by
It's a nice thing when we make errors, we try to correct them and we never fall into such mistakes again.
Just the way you did you settled with your friend, learned your lessons, and never tried such again. That is good of you because I also learned from my mistakes.
#dreemerforlife
That's the important thing. Not repeating a mistake and rather learning to be better from it. Thank you for stopping by, Julti.🌺
I can see why you responded in this way, during a moment when you were not trusted to know what was best for yourself. Your determination to repair the hurt surely showed her how much you value your relationship. Thank you for being honest, both now and then.
It certainly warms my heart that you see it this way, dearest @owasco. I usually make a lot of mistakes in the things I say. But I like to believe that I try to make things right the best way I can. Thank you for lifting my spirits so dearly.🌺