Am I just extremely old-fashioned?
Increasingly, in recent years, I've met a lot of couples who met online. And I don't just mean through dating apps, I don't really believe in those, and also, I think they're becoming quite common place. 'Cause like ten years ago even, it would've been a wild thing to go out with a stranger from an app, but now it seems a lot of the couples that I know just, that's how they meet. So it sort of becomes impressive when they don't, when they met through other, more natural ways.
Anyway, that's not what's bugging me now. Rather, it's everywhere else online. Because these dating apps are meant to function locally at least, but with the Internet, you can meet anyone from anywhere, and I'm knowing more and more people who do that. Who meet someone in Europe or the US or wherever else across the Globe (or maybe not that far, but still pretty far) and just entertain the possibility of an actual relationship.
Love doesn't think.
I find I'm quite old-fashioned, to my own shock, on that front. Because for me, for a long time, it was just "oh, they live in a different country, I guess that's that". And I've been struck before to realize that that wasn't a problem for the other person. I was quite close with someone last year, American, and for me that was just impossibly far so that was that. That was as far as it was going to go, and it took me an embarrassingly long time to understand that that person thought it was a possibility, that him inviting me to come visit wasn't just talk, he meant it. I was shocked. And kinda frightened, to be honest.
And as I move, and as I meet more people, I'm starting to question that increasingly. Think, well, I don't really believe it's very likely that the few right people who are gonna be genuinely right for you in this life are all gathered together in the same country at the same time, right? So why the mental block, I wonder? Is it just how I was raised? I mean, for the formative years of my life, we didn't have a computer or a phone, let alone the possibility of meeting someone online and thinking they were a potential mate. That was just out of the park, and yet, I know a lot of people doing it. A lot of people older than myself, too. People in their 40s who obviously lived without all this stuff a lot longer than I did.
Th weird thing, they travel these great distances, and they end up happy, too. Like, I expect them to end up in small bits inside a suitcase, but I'm starting to feel like that's a minority view.
Maybe it's an Eastern European thing, but then again, I've known people here do it as well, so.
This is a bit of a rambly post, but my mind's not fully here I guess. I think what I'm getting at is, what's your view on this whole thing? Cause I like you people on here, you're all pretty sensible. And maybe that's just the point. You're all Internet crazies too and I kinda like you and trust you. So how does that work?
There's a part of me that thinks it's just technology moving so freaking fast, our brains can't keep up with it and it creates a sort of cognitive dissonance in some of us. Maybe.
What do you think about Internet relationships? Especially becoming real relationships? Do you have those sort of cases in your life? Are you as surprised as I am? Are you old-fashioned or would you fly out to meet someone you met online? Would you fall in love with someone who lives in a different country maybe somewhere really far away? Just shooting questions out here. I don't really know why myself.
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Like I said in the past for me this didn't work out. Either the girl I liked did not like me enough. Or perhaps I rushed things too much by asking her to date me without ever seeing her in person. I think that internet/ international thing can work but I was nowhere near to success. Perhaps had I been rich or /and more handsome, things would have worked differently.
It's a tricky balance, for sure. There's an instinct that says careful now, we don't really know who this person is.
Isn't that the case for all of us, all the time :))
I met my wife via Tinder! Been together 4 happy years now I think, married 1 and a bit. It played to my extremely introverted personality, cause otherwise I would be single and alone forever, guaranteed. And it's not like I'm particularly ugly or have an ugly personality. I just had zero ways of meeting anybody other than routes I'd rather die than take, such as in a pub or... a friend of a friend.
That being said, I certainly got lucky. She worked 10 metres from my home so I immediately cut out the middleman and surprise met her outside the building after only a few days (creepy? I dunno but it worked).
I knew for a long time that the dating app mechanism itself was a dangerous tool, and when I came across this woman who was clearly not of that type, I had to do things the traditional way.
I also think it speaks to a larger problem of globalism. We see cultural elements infecting other cultures, diluting them into nothing, and the only thing that's left standing is an economic zone. Americanisms infect the UK like you wouldn't believe, it's depressing. We even had Black Lives Matter protests even though it makes zero sense in the context of the UK, where 1 black person died at the police hands over the last decade, which is proportionally fewer than white people lol.
Race isn't so much an issue there as the US. It's actually far more about class and religion. We just don't have this race obsession. Yet, it seeped in anyway, defying all logic.
Back regarding dating - it's hard enough maintaining a successful relationship between any two people even if they're from your village with the same beliefs, culture, family structure, education, language and so on.
When you start dating with a pool of 'the entire world', it definitely makes it much harder work for even the most straight-forward couple. Lord knows me and the wife have had to deal with some tricky cultural walls. We get through but it can easily end others. So yeah, internet dating ain't wise. I just got lucky
I'm happy to hear that, it's a sensible take! I'm somewhat familiar with British culture and thought those were just absurd too when they happened, but I thought maybe it's something I just don't get as an outsider. You're right, erasure of our national identities is a terrifying (and very overlooked) aspect of it all.
I wonder though if in a way our life problems/values haven't also become globalized in a sense - views on vaccines, traditional marriage and roles if there, all these things that we seem to talk of across the water as it were. I wonder if those don't supersede our national identity markers. What do you think?
But all that aside, congratulations to you and your wife and many happy years together! What a lovely story. Maybe creepy in some eyes, but it seems to have worked for you and her, so the right choice for sure! :D
I certainly do think there are some shared values all humans hold, as well as other shared values certain sects of humans hold with each other (E.g., 'The West' vs 'East Asia' or something).
But with that in mind, national identity markers are still a thing, just a lower tier close to our hearts. The destruction of any tiers can't possibly be seen as a good thing. Losing, for example, Christianity. For atheists like me, that sounds great on paper.
But without realising, we're losing things that came attached with religion, something that has evolved over thousands if not tens of thousands of years. Values & virtues, treatment of others and charity, aesthetics, culture. Cathedrals to me mean so much more than just a symbol of royal greed. To an outsider, it's either a cool tourist attraction or a plot of land in a prime location for office buildings if we knock the 900 year old structure down.
So I worry we are becoming significantly more depressed and anxious worldwide simply because we've lost all trace of purpose. We only have little brains really and we can only realistically envision things on a small scale. Global scales are very abstract and low resolution. 'Equality' - sure, sounds nice, but what does it even mean? How does that affect my family and friends, or my community or whatever religion that goes on in my neck of the woods?
We're evolved to focus on our own immediate surroundings, and so I don't want to let that get overwhelmed with some vague Universal values
Anyway, I fear I went way too deep - soz lol
For all my life I had relationships built on weekends because of distance and I'm so tired of it. And now that I've finally found a good job and my space and my habits, it's even harder to move away. I'd like so much to find someone closer to me, but at the same time I've become more picky and now it's really really hard to find someone. It's always been hard for me, and now it's harder. I'm quite resigned to loneliness
Right? It's the paradox of growing older - on the one hand you're more defined as an identity, but on the other that just makes everything that much more difficult. But you're young (at least you seem really quite young) so I'm sure you won't be lonely forever. ;)
A lot has changed about relationships and I believe the internet helped many people's dreams come to reality. During the early days of the internet here, we had an app called 2go and I think it basically works just in Africa.
I was active there and made a few friends which could have led to something intimate if I had allowed it. Back then I felt like meeting people online isn't enough to start something serious but as time passed, I started seeing testimonies.
Although there were people who got into trouble for thinking they can make things real while some succeeded. During my registry, I met a couple and the man came from Germany just to get married.
My wife had a little chat with asking out of curiosity how they met and she said it started with an online chat.
The internet has made a lot of things possible and for me, it doesn't bother me since I never looked forward to an online relationship becoming a reality. Plus, I don't think you are old fashioned, you just don't think relationship works that way.
I'm not even sure I don't think they work. I just... I'm learning new things I suppose. As I grow. As are we all.
Was that a dating app specifically or was it for making friends?
There does seem to be an increasing number of people for whom it seems to have worked, at least to some extent. there's a lot of relationships that wouldn't have been possible if it weren't for the online medium. So maybe it's at least worth a try.
I met a woman in 1994 from Minnesota online when I was still living in Ohio and ended up moving 800 miles from my family to start a new life with her. That relationship ended after a decade but, exactly thirty years later, I've never left Minnesota. The decision was a huge double-edged sword for me. It didn't weigh on me as much when I was younger but it does now. I've built a decent life but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some regret. I've grown in ways that I wouldn't have if I would have stayed in Ohio, I realize that. Even after every effort to stay close, the years away have caused my family and I to drift in some ways. I don't feel like I'm part of my nieces and nephews lives as much as I'd like to be. I missed a lot of moments with my parents too. For a variety of reasons the visits are one-sided, I'm the one always traveling there. The realization of this causes me some sadness. Everything comes with a price and I think we just have to ask ourselves if it's worth it.
I think so, as well. Were there times when you considered moving back, say after the relationship ended? I think that's one of the biggest draws, even if you're not living, say, kids back in another state/country, but missing out on those family moments. But then again, in some ways, it might come at the cost of not making a family (or one that's right for you) of your own. As you said, one must weigh pros and cons.
After my divorce in 2005 I was very close to moving back but the timing wasn't great. My brother and parents had relocated to central Florida a few years before that and Florida wasn't a place I could see myself living year-round. They all moved back to Ohio around 2010 but by then I was remarried and my new wife wasn't interested in relocating.
I met my ex-wife online back in 2005, and we were married for many years and I got a wonderful son out the deal. Even though the relationship didn't last, good things did come from it. You can meet people from all over the world, but taking that step to "meet" is a huge one. Especially when you live in different countries and continents.
I think the most important thing before making that leap is to do a thorough background check on the person. There are too many criminals and crazy people out there to not have any idea what you are walking into. Then again I don't trust people easily. But when dealing with someone you met online you can never be too careful. Just my two cents anyway!
You're right! I think I have a tendency to trust people a little too easily, but try to keep that in check as much as I can. I think it also helps to keep a somewhat objective view of things and not let potential excitement get the better of you, so as to overlook certain "red flags" (as the kids say).
Personally I have never used dating apps and will never touch them. Besides the low success rate, a highly overlooked issue is the amount and kind of personal information they have and what they do with it. To me they are all shady businesses at best.
My entire adult life has been on Hive, that is pretty much the only way I have any chance of meeting someone.
You're very right! I'm not so worried about the personal info as I think it's out there anyway. But I agree, it's shady business designed to keep you alone, not happy.
Well, Hive is certainly not a bad way to go. I do think there's a certain higher quality of people that come here, which increases your chances of meeting someone who might be more compatible. Meeting someone in the "real world" as it were seems to be increasingly harder, doesn't it?
The truth is that I myself use websites to meet potential partners, it has gone both well and badly, just now I'm dating someone I met on a page and everything is going great, we are both very happy, however, I was always careful not to interact with people from other countries for that purpose, in fact I closed my search to people from my same city, even being in the same country and nearby cities and for me it was a reason to let it go.
Congratulations! I'm very happy for you <3 And wish you both many happy adventures together. Can I ask why you were so strict with your search? Did you know for sure you wouldn't be willing to move to someplace else or was it the cultural difference (with people from other countries, I mean)?
Thank you very much for your good wishes! =)
In my personal case, I would not be willing to travel to another country to meet someone personally, I would be very afraid, social networks lend themselves to many deceptions and even if the person gives you many proofs that you can trust them, I still would not trust them 100%, I have known stories that have not gone well at all, I think there is a lot of risk, although it is also possible that everything goes well, but I think it is very complicated when you can just meet someone who is nearby.
Besides the risk of being subjected to some danger or meeting a dangerous person who hides under a facade, there is also the risk that when you meet in person the magic falls, it has happened to me several times that on the phone, photos, calls everything goes great and at the first meeting everything falls apart, as a matter of energy or something like that.
I also don't like to give the matter a lot of time, a couple of months at most seems to me enough to propose a first meeting, even before if everything goes well and you feel good, although many times I've had to wait much longer than that to see someone and almost always the result is bad.
And it's happened to me that when I go without much expectation, everything turns out great... Hahaha, as you can see, I have a lot of experience meeting people like that, probably because of my homosexual inclination.
I also like the person to be in my same city because it annoys me to put things off for too long. I've wasted my time and my hopes, so if I'm not going to connect with someone, I prefer to find out as soon as possible.