A nameless feeling...

Source

This post... is a thought experiment.

I could almost say that it has no point, but if we are being negative and nihilistic, then does any post or action have meaning?

And yet, I am not feeling nihilistic.

I don't think I feel GOOD either. Not positive. I probably just feel burned out.

I have been working hard to achieve goals. I have achieved them. That is good. Despite this, my financial situation still weighs heavily on my head, since there are a lot of outstanding bills that I need to pay and it eats at me when I owe someone something.

I have always had the feeling that I cannot rest until a job is done or a debt is paid in full. And I have many outstanding debts.

So I continue to work hard at them even though I feel a bit burned out.

The other thing that is a simultaneous source of pride and depression are my children. In my own measure, I do not think that I am a good parent.

I do my best. I am moaning all the time. I take the time to teach the kids about life and how to do things. I teach them to look after their things and the house and to do their work correctly. I teach them manners and respect.... over and over and over again.

I feel sometimes like there is no point because they don't listen. The things I taught before comes back again. And then I have to do it all again. I have tried to do it many different ways. In the end I have settled on firm and unpleasant when they break the rules but otherwise not wanting to spoil my day.

And yet... when my kids encounter other people and other families, people always tell me how well-behaved my kids are. All three of them passed the school grades and next year go to the next grade.

My daughter turns 18 in February 2026... this is a massive milestone... yet I will not have the funds to throw her an exorbitant birthday party as I would have liked.

She is doing well on her personal goals and she already has a part-time job and is making some money. Not enough to be independent but enough to have fun and have helped our struggling family this year. In the upcoming year, I hope to start paying her back.

My eldest son got into Pure Maths and Physical Sciences, which is what he wanted. It is difficult to achieve because in his grade there are over 250 pupils at his school and only around 30 of them are chosen for pure maths. I hope that he can work hard and make it work in the new year.

My youngest son struggles a lot with work ethic. He tends to skip out at work as much as possible, both at school and at home. This worries me. I have to work really hard to change all of that. But we shall see.

So... what is this feeling? I feel tired and exasperated at all the challenges that I face despite my best efforts to fix them. The task is not yet done. It cannot be done quickly and I am unwilling to just give up.

On the one hand is my feeling of dread and shame and on the other hand is my sense of duty, determination and pride.

I will continue to work hard at my goals even if I do not feel energised to do it. I suppose what I am looking for is perseverance.

I seek the power and stoicism of the mountain to keep me steadfast on my journey. I am not doing anything majorly wrong that I need to change. I work, have side hustles for extra income and am supportive of my spouse in her work. I do not drink alcohol on a daily/weekly/monthly basis (only on an occasion), I do not gamble or do drugs. I do moan at my kids but barely ever fight with my spouse.

So... I am doing things fairly good as a human being? I put in 120% at work. I work. I show up early. I am goal driven. I keep company goals in mind when I do things. I stay late if needed. I am available for overtime and weekend work if needed. I do not refuse any work and I always see it through to completion.

Even if I made a fuckup. Even if it is a job that I have been dumped at 90% that is a fuckup... I FINISH where others have given up.

Anyway... rant/thought catharsis over... time to go DO things.

Cheers