Unprocessed Trauma Dumping

Lately I’ve been sitting with this thing. not even sitting sef. more like it sits with me. Like when you’re tired but you can’t sleep and the thought is just there. Breathing beside you. Annoying you.

That sometimes, life makes you uncomfortable on purpose.

Not dramatic uncomfortable. Not “everything is burning.” Just that quiet itch. That “hmm” feeling, that sense that you don’t quite fit anymore but nothing is technically wrong.

Like living with someone. Everything is fine on paper, rent is split, house is okay, nobody is wicked, but somehow every day feels like you’re squeezing yourself smaller. you start timing when you’ll use the kitchen, you start holding your breath in your own room. And then you leave. You move to a new street and meet someone. Not even immediately. just… eventually and your life shifts, and you realize if you had stayed, you would never have met them. Never. Not even close.

So you start thinking… maybe the discomfort was the point. But work is where this theory starts misbehaving.

You leave one job because you’re uncomfortable. You’re tired, you feel unseen. or scared. or boxed. or you’re waking up with that heavy chest thing. so you leave. and you get another job. better title. better pay. better everything. and then… you’re still uncomfortable.

Maybe not in the same way. but the feeling is there again. different outfit. same spirit, and then the questions start. non-stop. no off switch.

am I the problem
am I just not resilient
is this normal and i’m just weak
or is this place also not for me
how many times can someone “move on” before it becomes a pattern
before it becomes running

because people love to say “growth is uncomfortable” but nobody really explains which discomfort is growth and which one is a warning. They just lump everything together and say “push through.”

But what if pushing through is how you miss your exit.

They also say “the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t.” and for a long time I believed that. Because stability, bills, and fear is expensive. But lately I’ve been side-eyeing that proverb.

what if the devil you know is just… a devil. full stop. And the angel you don’t know is actually just an angel. not a trick. not a scam. just unknown.

why do we assume the unknown is worse by default.

But also… why do I feel like I’m always standing at the edge of “next”? like okay, I moved, changed jobs, tried. So why am I still restless? Why does comfort feel temporary? Why does stability make me suspicious?

And this is the part I don’t like admitting: what if what I'm looking for doesn’t exist the way I imagine it. what if there is no job that feels soft and safe and exciting and aligned and peaceful and growth-filled all at once. what if people before me weren’t braver, they were just more tired and stayed.

or what if they stayed and called it resilience.

And I’m here, uncomfortable again, thinking maybe it’s time to move again, but then I get scared of becoming that person. The one that never settles, the one that always leaves, the one whose CV tells a story she keeps trying to explain away.

And yet… staying also feels like lying to myself sometimes.

Wish life came with a manual honestly. like page 47: “if you feel like this twice in a row, leave.” or “if the fear stays after six months, it’s intuition.” Something. Anything.

But nope. Just vibes, feelings, and consequences.

Que sera sera......