The Weight of Knowing
So, I was in church the other day, just sitting there, trying to pay attention. The pastor was explaining something.
He broke down this one verse in such an intricately detailed manner, and I don’t even know what part got me, but a thought just came to me like, “Shit, now that I know this, I can’t even blame ignorance anymore.”
And that thought made me chuckle. It’s funny how knowledge can feel like both a blessing and a burden. You’re happy to understand things deeper, but at the same time, you realize it means you can’t keep doing certain things with the same careless freedom.
Like, before, you could say, “Oh, I didn’t know.” Now? You know. And once you know, you can’t unknow.
They always say “knowledge is power,” but that incident made me start thinking, knowledge is also responsibility because you know what they say, "with great power comes great responsibility"
Because when you finally get what forgiveness really means, you can’t keep holding grudges and feel comfortable about it. When you learn why gossip is destructive, you can’t sit in the middle of one and laugh like it’s harmless. When you understand self-respect, suddenly you can’t keep letting people treat you anyhow.
It’s like… growth ruins ignorance. You can’t sin in bliss anymore, lol.
And honestly, sometimes I get why people run from growth. Because the more you learn, the harder it becomes to pretend you don’t see what’s wrong.
You start noticing your own bad habits. Your own patterns. The excuses you used to hide behind. And that’s the annoying part, knowledge doesn’t just open your eyes to the world, it opens your eyes to yourself.
It made me think about how we always say we want to grow, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, but no one seems to talk about what it means to see your old self on the other side of the road and not be able to recognize her, like a familiar stranger.
Knowledge means, now, when you mess up, it’s not ignorance. It’s choice. And wow, doesn't that just say, "You're so dumb, you know better than to do this" Well, ouch!
Like, yeah, you might still fall short sometimes, but now you’re painfully aware that you could have done better. And that awareness… it humbles you.
It’s the same feeling you get after you finally understand your worth and still find yourself entertaining someone who doesn’t value you. Or when you learn how to set boundaries but still catch yourself saying “yes” when you want to say “no.”
There’s this moment of silence afterward, where you just sit with yourself like, “Girl, you knew better. Why did you do that?” That’s the weight of knowing.
Sometimes I miss ignorance. I miss the version of me who didn’t overthink, who didn’t analyze every situation, who could make a mistake and move on quickly because she didn’t understand the depth of it. lol. The girl with low rationality and high "emotionality".
But that version of me didn’t have peace, she just didn’t know any better. Now, I know that peace only comes when you stop lying to yourself.
Growth isn’t glamorous. It’s uncomfortable. It’s being halfway between who you were and who you’re becoming, and having to live with the awkwardness of that space. You start noticing how much responsibility comes with awareness.
Because once you’ve seen the truth, your spirit won’t let you unsee it. Once you’ve felt conviction, you can’t pretend it’s just coincidence.
That’s what happened in church that day. It wasn’t guilt, it was awareness. That quiet, heavy kind of knowing that sits with you, not to condemn you, but to remind you that you’ve outgrown certain things.
Maybe that’s what maturity really is. Ha ha! I'm officially mature, I guess. Lmao. (Just kidding).
Maturity can mean a lot of things but presently, to me and pertaining to this write-up, it's not perfection, not holiness, just accountability.
The understanding that you can’t hide behind “that’s just how I am” "I'm Sagittarius, that's how we are" anymore. That your choices have weight now. That every “small” thing matters because you know better.
And yes, it’s exhausting sometimes. But it’s also freeing.
Because as much as knowledge makes life heavier, it also makes you more alive. You start living intentionally. You start seeing clearly. You start becoming the kind of person your old self couldn’t have imagined being.
And that’s the beauty of it, the burden and the blessing all in one, ain't that life?
So yeah, next time you learn something that shakes you a little, don’t run from it. That discomfort you feel? That’s growth stretching you. Because once you know, you can’t unknow. And honestly, that’s where transformation begins.
Thank you for reading. 🧡
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