I Didn’t Feel Deserving, But I Still Won — My Battle with Impostor Syndrome

I had to look up the meaning of the word imposter syndrome on the internet to be sure of what it meant even though it seems straightforward on sight, so talking about it, it's worth noting that I've been there; in fact, once in a while I still find myself going back there, but among all of them, there's one particular experience that stands out, which happened around the year 2015, and I'd love to tell you all about it.

During my final year days in the university, the local government chairman of my school community hosted a three-month skills acquisition initiative that would be made into a vocational training institute thereafter, and by the time I learned about the program, they'd gone far in the training. It was supposed to be a three-month program, but I joined when there was about a month to end the program, all thanks to a friend's recommendation. By the time I joined, other students had already spent two months learning the various available crafts, meaning they were ahead of me, so throughout my time there, I was learning with the awareness that I needed to catch up with everything they'd done if I wanted to make that a side hustle that would earn me some money.

Despite that, I didn't let that stop me from giving the training my best by showing up daily, paying attention to details, and asking questions even when it seemed like I was drawing the class back to what they'd learned before, although our teacher often told me to ask others so we could do other lessons surrounding decorating. The truth is that I don't understand the nitty-gritty of decoration, especially when compared to others who had been there from the beginning, but there was a twist that made me stand out.

The twist was that I was quite taller than everyone else and that small details gave me an edge, because by the time the program was coming to a close, the host tasked all departments to make a craft they'd present on the prize-giving day, and while other departments were sewing clothes, perfecting their makeup skills, and the like, our department was tasked with the responsibility of decorating the hall that would be used for the event, since the wall was quite tall.

My height was in demand for most of the upper part of the designs; basically, I'm the go-to person for any decoration that has to do with high places, and yet I still help out with lower ones. That occurrence led to me becoming noticed by not just my instructor but also the facilitators from other departments. I even helped them with some of their projects they wanted to hang on the way, making them refer to me as Agoro, or that student who's always helping.

All of that left an impression, and when the day of awards and recognition came, I was shocked and literally in awe when I heard my name being announced as the best student in the decoration department. The truth is that I didn't expect it, and when I heard others murmuring around me, I believed they were right to question me being the best, especially given the fact that I usually asked most of those basic questions about decorations they were taught when I hadn't joined.

After stepping forward to take my prize and shake hands with the chairman and other dignitaries, I went back to my seat and clapped as other departments best students were called. The last award after all that was for the overall best student, and hearing my name once again made me freeze in the spot for some seconds. Of course I'm happy to win, but deep within I felt like an imposter.

Even though I was smiling and happy to get all that recognition, gifts and handshake, deep with I was asking myself questions upon question, such as do I deserve this? What about others who understand this craft more than I do? Did I win because I was helpful and visible and not necessarily because I'm skilled? To put it into perspective, that was my imposter syndrome talking and I shouldn't shut it up because I kind of felt it was right until few years after when I got to understand that recognition isn't all about perfection or technical knowledge, but being able to bring value in your own unique way and contribute where you can.

Do I understand everything about decoration? Certainly not, but what everyone can agree on is the fact that I had a positive impact within the short time I was there, and I've come to learn that one way or another we all bring something to the table no matter how small, making me feel deserving of my recognition, because though not well versed with the knowledge, I yet learned it in my own way.

All photos are mine.