The Weight of the World on My Shoulders

I won't lie, there has been a difficult period lately. I've been battling this gloomy cloud that seems to follow me everywhere for months now. Every day seems to be adding more weight to the invisible burden I bear on my shoulders.

I initially made an effort to ignore it and remain upbeat. I assured myself that it was only a temporary low that would pass quickly. But it's getting harder and harder to ignore how this depressing sensation has begun to seep into every part of my existence.

My daily activities haven't changed all that much on the surface. I still rise early and prepare the kids for school. I still attempt to work out a couple of times a week. I still take care to stay in touch with friends and family when I can by making frequent phone calls. However, recently everything seems...heavier. As though I'm merely going through the motions and lacking the customary happiness or contentment.

Source

Although I've always enjoyed writing, my hive writing has turned into a bore. My motivation and stamina are sapped by even the simplest tasks. I find that I'm trapped by indifference and spend a lot of time staring blankly at my computer screen. My sense of pride has faded from things that used to delight me, like community prompts or reaching milestones. In the broad scheme of things, it's difficult to shake the notion that nothing truly matters.

My social life has also suffered. I just don't have the energy, so I've had to decline hangouts and business events more often than I'd want. These days, the idea of interacting with people and maintaining a positive façade wears me out completely. I know that going deeper into my shell is unhealthy, therefore I've been doing that. To be "on" all the time is harder than to find momentary comfort in solitude.

Even hobbies and pastimes I once loved have lost their shine. I'll start reading a book or turn on the TV, but then I'll lose interest and start to nod off. Or I'll make the best of intentions when I start an exercise regimen, but when the sadness strikes again, I give up after a few weeks. My body simply can't bring itself to care that these things are supposed to be enjoyable diversion, even though my brain knows that.

Physically, this mental state is taking its toll too. I'm constantly tired no matter how much I sleep. My appetite is all out of whack – some days I have no appetite, other days I binge eat for comfort with no self-control. I've been getting dull headaches and occasional muscle aches, probably from all the tensing up I've been doing without realizing it. It's like my body is bearing the burden of my mind's struggles.

The worst thing is that I'm not really sure what's initially producing this darkness. Of course, there are the typical stresses in life, such as job, money, relationships, etc. However, this cloud feels more profound and expansive than merely daily anxieties and obligations. No matter how hard I try to be thankful for the positive things in my life, I just can't seem to get rid of this deeper, more fundamental sense of unhappiness.

I guess I could work with a therapist or other expert to try to unravel the origins of it all. But right now, I feel like it would be so difficult to even ask for help. When I'm straining to make ends meet every day, it's difficult to muster the will and energy.

I'll continue to try to be kind to myself and take things day by day for the time being. I'll never stop telling myself that better times are hopefully on the horizon and that I'm not alone. Even if all I can do is keep moving forward by putting one foot in front of the other, I will not give up on this weight. Eventually, things must get better, right?