Going Through The Motions
How do you understand, or rather, what possible ways are there to make sense of the "in-between" times?
I mean, "time stops for no one" is often attributed as a warning to not waste the hours we are given. I'm not sure there is always something to look forward to when you're just going through the motions, which in this case is just jogging along with the pace of life.
Sometimes the scenery is dull and unremarkable, and these are the moments we start asking why we do the things we do as if all other moments were supposed to have a deeper meaning that we've suddenly lost track of.
As of late, I'm more into the category of trusting the process and letting go of any attachment to the changing scenery. Asking "why" is a good way to revisit one's core values with the current progress one has already made, and then see whether the path still leads somewhere worth going.
Having knowledge helps build the confidence to trust the process, but confidence can only take you so far. Without results, the doubt is ever-present. And the fact that results are non-linear against the effort put in adds a layer of frustration that is hard to ignore.
You put in ten units of work and get one unit of progress; then, later, you put in one unit of work and see a massive shift. It doesn't seem fair, and certainly not predictable.
Add another layer to it again which this time around is almost no one else can see the ten units you put in.
People of course do notice the massive shift, for the most part. They see the outcome and weren't there for the weeks/months of invisible effort that made it possible. And if I'm being really honest, it seems to me that part of the frustration of going through the motions is that it feels like performing for an empty room.
How I wished someone to witness the work and validate that it matters, giving me reassurance that I'm not just wasting time on something that leads nowhere. This is what makes the in-between so heavy sometimes.
When that loneliness sets in, an uncomfortable truth to sit with is most of the work we do will only ever have an audience of one, the doer, specifically in a deep personal sense, partly because no one else lives inside your head to have a first hand experience of every decision made, big or small, how it was made, and what factors influenced choosing one choice over another, etc.
And if one can't find a way to make that enough, i.e, being an audience of one, at least for stretches of time, the external validation one is subconsciously hoping for may never feel satisfying even when it comes. Takes being okay without the applause to be okay with the silence.
For myself, I think a reason why to show up anyway on such days is because the alternative of not showing up is a blank space I’m not keen on visiting, for now.
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