I CHOSE PRESENCE OVER PROVISION: A Single Mom’s Quiet Regret

Hello, my dear @motherhood community! I hope everyone is doing great and enjoying parenting at its finest.

Let me share my long-harbored story about my regrets since I left my job to focus on my son and healing from postpartum anxiety.

It was April 2022 when I returned to my hometown to manage a radio station after I got promoted, just in time when I came back to work after my three-month maternity leave. Everything was just so sudden, my son was only 4 months old when I started the new opportunity. Before I had my son, I was assigned to a different province far away from home for almost 6 years. So, it was a great privilege to finally go back home.

My Life as a Working Mom

It was both a blessing and a challenge given the opportunity of promotion. I struggled a lot since my home is around 40 minutes to one hour by bus from my company. I had to leave home before it was sunrise and had to come home when it was dark. My time with my son was very limited. Many times that I left home when he was deep asleep and came home when he was already sleeping. This made my life very difficult and worsened my postpartum anxiety. I was just blessed with my mother, who took over my responsibilities when I was not present for my son.

There were moments when my son got sick and I had to take him to his pediatrician while balancing the demands of my work. Sometimes, I had to take my sick son to the office to monitor him while working. The good thing about it was that the company was very welcoming, and I could always use the company vehicle for urgent family concerns, especially about my son. Somehow, I realized how comforting the privileges that the company was providing me as one of the branch managers.

However, battling postpartum anxiety as a single mother with greater responsibility at work seemed to consume me, and my struggle worsened when I encountered so much pressure at work, especially managing employees who were older than I am – some were stubborn and unsupportive. Though we were still able to reach or exceed the target sales for the branch that I managed, but deep and unfathomable sorrow seemed to linger beneath the surface, quietly overshadowing every success.

Everything was going well when postpartum anxiety seemed to pin me down, giving me a sudden, immeasurable sadness that I couldn’t contain. Sometimes, I burst into tears while on my way home, and when I got home. It was so difficult to deal with it, and I didn’t know where or whom to run to. I just silently cried and prayed with a question in my mind, ‘When will this end?’

The longing for my son worsened this feeling, so after a year, I decided to quit my job without thinking twice. It was a very heavy decision since I worked for the company for almost 8 years, and I fear losing a source of income, as I was the only one supporting my son. But this didn’t stop me from quitting. I stayed home and tended to my vegetable garden. Luckily, I was hired for a work-from-home job that also helped my healing journey. My son, being always beside me, my parents, our church congregation and my faith in God, my vegetable garden, and my home-based job helped me make it through postpartum anxiety.

After almost two years, I finally found relief and began reintegrating into the outside world. Yes, the outside world as I can see it since I seemed to hibernate during my healing process. It seemed that I was awakened from a deep sleep, and now that I am awake, I realize some privileges that my son lost when I quit my job. As I began going out, I saw some children of my son’s age, and I felt envious that I couldn’t even afford to take my son out more often because my income is not enough to support leisure activities other than providing him with food and clothing.

All the privileges that my former company had given me suddenly flooded my memory, and regret followed. If only I hadn’t resigned, I would have been earning more with perks and bonuses to support not just the basic needs of my son but also some leisure activities for us to bond. I regretted it even more when he celebrated his birthday last December, and my WFH job didn’t give us any bonus. I remembered how much I could receive when I was still in my former company. What makes me even more anxious now is that my son will start school next year, and my income from my home-based job will not suffice for his needs.

I am not sure now if I made the right choice of choosing to be with my son and heal first over my high position at work. I can feel its cost now, especially when reality seems to slap me how important a stable job is to give a brighter future for my son. Now, it’s like a ticking time bomb; I only have several months to prepare before he starts school, and yet my career is not yet stable. I tried applying to several job opportunities, but fate seemed to be so elusive. I was offered a teaching position in China, but while processing my documents, I failed the medical exam with a chronic condition I didn’t even want to have – I’m a yellow warrior. Then I tried my luck in the Philippine education department since I am also a licensed professional teacher, but I wasn’t selected. Then I tried in a government-run media, but they didn’t select me either. Now, I’m not sure what to do next; regret is consuming me.

I hope to find a better job before the time bomb explodes. Sometimes, I also feel guilty about choosing my healing over staying on a stable career path - for the sake of my son’s future. Had I been selfish? This time, I am facing another quandary: whether to remain as a freelancer or find a more stable, onsite job. I am currently having my intensive training for the Social Media Management Course because I plan to continue working from home, but sometimes thoughts of uncertainties are haunting me; there are a lot of ‘what ifs’ in my mind, all concerning my son’s future that sometimes make me think finding a stable, onsite job is more secured. I hope to choose the best option for my son.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. Sometimes, pouring out unspoken thoughts feels like breathing after holding them for too long.

(I hereby attest that this article is made by me without any aid of AI or grammar editing apps and the photos attached are mine; that I fully understand and adhere to Hive policies and guidelines in posting; and that I won’t be violating any of these rules for my future posts.) Photos are mine edited in Canva