Respect Knows no Gender

After 6 days of making new friends, learning about what’s going on in the art scene of other cities and countries, and joining events, today will be more of a reflective day. I have work with lots of breaks in between to write and gather myself.

Yesterday my friend held a tea sharing event which was another chance to make some new friends and see him in his element since he is a true tea connoisseur and fanatic, a scholar even.

After that was a concert, my favorite band in town, an all-star band where a bunch of different musicians from different bands play together. Their music is very very dance friendly rock, but I cried during one of their songs. I had forgotten how much going to concerts and rocking out has shaped me and helped me discover myself. It was my very first step towards healing, getting lost in the music with a crowd of people doing the same.

After that there was a feminist gathering and I made the mistake of thinking that would be a good idea after an energetic concert. In typical Japanese fashion the self introduction took an hour, which is funny because most of the group was from other parts of Asia and I think we all felt exhausted going around the table and introducing outselves with translations in 3 languages.

Finally after an hour and a half we started to hear some stories of women being put in uncomfortable situations, but by that time I was on the balcony with 3 female and one male mandarin speaking friends having a similar discussion. The main event had around 50 people and no focus which was not conducive to any kind of real communciation.

The event left me feeling exhausted and a bit frustrated. I want to do everything I can to make everyone feel comfortable and respected, and to treat people as people first and foremost, and I felt discouraged and almost angry at how much of a missed opportunity this event was. But I realized that there are a lot of interesting, intelligent and emotionally mature women in this community who I would love to talk about these kinds of things with.

I don’t usually get invovled with this kind of identity based activism even though I completely agree with the intention behind them (when the intention is making sure everyone is respected), but I feel a strong disconnect with some of the loudest voices about how to solve these issues.

I believe that at least in many modern settings, racism, sexism, xenophebia etc. are all symptoms of a much more fundamental problem. What constitutes sexism is a sticky question but there is a much easier and more basic issue that could potentially solve a lot of other issues if dealt with. Wherever these issues of discrimination or discomfort are present, you can find a lack of compassion, a lack of respect, and poor communication. If we treat those “isms” as the core problem rather than symptoms, I feel we are missing the point. Of course they are issues, but you don’t cure cancer by punching it.

Our community is basicaly harmonious without manu issues and I felt frustrated that the conversation last night magnified a few issues and filled a lot of people with fear that they hadn’t had before. At the same time, there are issues which go unaddressed and some are influenced by things like gender.

I wish we could talk more about our modes of communication and how we treat each other, as well as how we wish to be treated. For example, not every man knows that many women don’t appreciate being complimented for their looks by someone they just met, just like I don’t appreciate people constantly stereotyping me as an American. There is an added dimension to the issue of gender because at time people can made to feel unsafe when the intention of one person is physical.

If we make an effort to improve our conversations, both becoming better listeners and also becoming more able to express how we truly feel in a less confrontational way, I believe the solutions to these problems show themselves.

I felt last night there was a push by two particular people to make lots of rules around our words and behavior inside of the community and I can’t help but feel this leaves people feeling distant and disconnected. If everything becomes rules based and the rules dictate everything down to how we look at people, these rules can turn us into disingenuous robotic imitations of ourselves.

I’m not talking about unwanted groping or blantent sexual harrasment here, I think that is uncontroversially unwelcome in our community, but I don’t want to feel nervous about tapping a friend on the shoulder or giving them a hug.

Having to ask every single person if they are comfortable constantly is not natural and it’s not human. BUT I feel very strongly that we should create an environment where people can speak up when they are uncomfortable, and sometimes we need to realize how unaware we can be of how difficult it is for some people to express these things.

Being brave enough to say how you feel is important to making the situation better. In a situation where someone feels scared or uncomfortable speaking honestly, they can find allies who can help them express their discomfort.

Its also important to address power dynamics, when one person is dominating a group through coersion or other (often subconscious) tricks such as constantly interupting people, ridiculing or talking down to others because they think they can get away with it, or even the cancellers who call foul when there is no foul just to maintain control over a certain narrative or another.

Rather than policing peoples behavior constantly, I find it much more productive to build trust among individuals and then let that trust help dictate a better culture in the group. That trust must be built together, it is not something that is just given when someone decides to give it. It requires a deeper understanding of the person and what motivates their behaviors.

A lot of what I am sharing here may not apply to the issues in your community. Most of Asia is not a hyper-sexualized place and Japan is much safer than most of the world so some issues like assault by a stranger may be less common but there is a lot of traditional attitudes around gender roles and especially hierarchy in Japan that leave many people feleing powerless to speak up.

Also in the art world, there is a lot of adjacent activism so there are strong taboos against certain kinds of disrespectful behavior. It tends to be more equal in the art world, though not perfect, and sometimes TOO rigid among certain crowds.

A lot of the issues in East Asia arise from a powerful mainstream narrative that is difficult to disagree with, one that tends to be male dominated, much more-so than the west still, and especially from the lack of communication around sensitive topics.

People generally don’t feel comfortable speaking their mind with many other people.

That’s why I feel so strongly against making physical contact even more difficult in Japan and the rest of East Asia. In some countries I feel there is too much touch for comfort at times but in Japan there is not nearly enough human touch here and I think its detrimental to a lot of people and makes them feel completely isolated.

I feel touch is a tool that has helped me get closer with people and allow them to feel more like family. Its important to have a lot of awareness of the hints the other person may be giving though.

I hug many of my friends, male and female (though honestly there are many japanese friends i don’t dare hug because I fear it would overwhelm them and make them really uncomfortable). It’s important to ease in and to separate things like personal attraction and lonliness and instead prioritize making an atmopshere that both people enjoy.

For any men who want to be more respectful but aren’t sure how, I can just share my experience. It may not be perfect but I haven’t had any issues of anyone complaining or gossiping about me and I have many many female friends who I am as close with as my male friends, even some women that I had a history with that we are still great friends.

It’s important to pay attention to peoples facial expressions. Does their smile look forced? could they be uncomfortable? Do they get closer or move further away? I think making rules about this are unnatural, but being aware of it is as natural as it gets. That’s called having a high emotional intelligence.

I don’t try to hug someone right after i meet them, I feel them out first. I may tap them on the shoulder or shake their hands. If they respond with similar gestures, I know its fine to hold a few seconds, and if not I pull away pretty quickly.

If they are uncomfortable I might downgrade to a high hive, a fist bump or in some people’s case only a nod or a wave.

If they seem to enjoy the physical contact, I will probably hug them after a very fun time or after not seeing them for a while.

If I am particularly attracted to someone, I hold off on exploring that the first or second time I meet them because I want to establish a relationship with them as a person first, not just an object of desire. Then I might try to push a bit farther with the physical touch but only if they seem welcoming of it or playful and teasing, but never anything that would embarrass them or make them feel pressured. At that point I leave them an open invitation to spend more time alone with me and if they respond, then it usually escalates naturally and if they don’t, well then that’s that and we can remain friends. I wouldn’t want to escalate with someone I couldn’t even be friends with!

Time alone doesn’t mean I am romantically or physically interested in someone. It’s that time alone plus the subtle increased amount of touching, but once again, if they don’t welcome it by doing it in return or playfully tease about it, then I stop immediately.

When I am not physicaly or romantically attracted to the person, or if either of us are not available, I do not treat men and women different at all for the most part. Sure there are different experiences that I ask them about or tell them about, but last night when I said goodbye to my female friend with an incredibly long holding of each others wrists, there was nothing about it that I couldn’t have done with a male friend and I am sure she felt ok about it because we were both laughing sincerely and joking as we left.

It’s not only physicality and developing the right balance there but also communication styles.

I give people space to speak, especially when it’s an intorvert and I find myself talking a lot. Sometimes I pause and give them a few seconds to gather their thoughts or say what they were waiting to say while I was talking my face off.

People have different communication styles. Some people like to make ridiculous jokes and some don’t. I actually ate dinner with a friend last night and I love talking to him but he has no idea that the way he pushes me to join in on his imitations really feels weird to me. Sometimes I let his jokes fall flat because I am not in the mood or have nothing to respond with. I am glad he doesn’t mind. If he were offended by that I might have to tell him his jokes aren’t funny.

These aren’t things I think we need to constantly overanalyse but if we talk about them openly and let everyone speak their mind, we can naturally find a better rhythm with people that will make our interactions more enjoyable and create much better friendships and relationships. I don’t feel that any of it gets in the way of creating opportunities for love or sex, it just makes for a better environment for everyone.

Humans are complex creatures but underneath it we all want things like love, respect, freedom, and pelasure but these things look differently to different people so that’s where we can get better at communicating and helping each other understand our experience.

The talk last night was a little uncomfortable and slightly disappointing, especially after such a fun concert but it really got me thinking about the kind of conversations I want to have and the people I want to have them with. Just because the event was an awkward mess doesn’t mean it always has to be like that while talking about these kinds of topics.

While much of the world focuses on labels and categories, I would rather look into each others eyes and see the other persons soul.

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