Existential Dread and a Pledge not to take anything for granted

I feel pretty certain that these complicated feelings popping up left and right are a direct result of me trying to reduce my sugar intake.

This pain and existential questioning was hiding under the surface, under the sweet escape of dopamine hits. Now that I’m not caving in to every craving, I’m forced to see things that were out of sight before.

None of these feelings feel foreign or new to me, but what’s new is a realization of how they were always in the background, subtly pulling, constantly.

Powerlessness. A deep desire to see the fruits of my labor, but not just desire, desperation. To feel that things make sense, that life is consistent, that the patterns play out. I’ve identified many patterns in life that have been consistent but if some things are hiding out of sight, those patterns will remain obscured.

Today I feel as if everything I’ve done has been entirely selfish. ….no….selfish isnt the right word. Selfishness may be inevitable. It’s just part of the game, but I’ve always believed that selfishness can be selfless. That interest can align when we see oursevles in others and others in ourselves. I don’t see a problem with selfish.

The issue is consistency. If i say I enjoy the things I do, why do I need to motivote myself to do them? If i enjoy then I shouldn’t have to.

If i didn’t need to make money and I felt ok about everything, what would i do in this moment?

I can come up with two answers.

There is what I can imagine right now, because it’s hard to put faith in something that feels so out of reach. It’s easier to want something easy. Then there is what I’d want if the conditions were right.

What i really want is to take a trip, to Africa, to Western Japan, to visit my grandmother, to explore the small village’s of Spain and Portugal and do Ayahuasca in South America and meet all the friends I have made here with friends from my physical life. I want to go to small music festivals in the countryside and share stories with strangers who becone friends. That’s what I would do if I had the time, the money and the energy. I’d buy an old house and turn it into an art studio.

Then….there is what’s in front of me, what I want in this particular situation. I want to play some playstation and eat a big fucking piece of chocolate cake and say fuck my health, you only live once.

While the latter may not be a full fabrication, it is far from my ideal right now.

And so I construct stories about how I go from the true desire to the world in front of me, and i develop desires around those.

Somehow I believe that if I am able to earn an income through Youtube and other social media (Hive itself is still not enough to pay the bills here), my true desires will come true. Somehow I imagine if lots of people love me and everything I do, things will get easier.

This may be true. But how honest am I being when I focus on such a story? I am a wounded animal tending to it’s injuries, not just the selfless monk that I sometimes unintentionally fool people into believing I am. In fact I am both and many other things in between but I always get caught in one story or the other. The selfish victim or the selfless saint.

I am both and I feel I’ve been dishonest with myself for not embracing both fully.

This is very very difficult for me to explain, but one example I can give is how dirty my love of music is. Yes i love music for its own sake but my desire to make music has always been mixed with a desire for attention, to be let into those VIP areas, to feel a sense of accomplishment, to be loved.

If i don’t acknowledge those other desires, I am fooling myself. I can recognize them as lower desires, some static that will work itself out, but I should embrace them too. I don’t need to jusge myself for them even if I think they are silly.

If i want attention I should go and get it. If i want a sense of financial security I should strive for it.

And so the past few years I’ve tried to be more honest with myself about what I want and what I need.

But if i want these things how much energy do I put into them. If i want attention, I should stop ignoring peoples messages. I say I study Japanese because I want to communicate with people better here, and yet I can’t bring myself to make plans to meet anyone, or to pop into a shop to talk to people.

I worry about the uncomfortable situations, the mindless banter, the sense that no one understands me, not because of language but because their world is too small.

I should start smaller I guess, and closer to home.

I subconscuously think of people as a distraction drom my work. This is because despite enjoying teaching, theres a lot of other things I want to do and I hardly have time for all of them sometimes. But people are what ai love the most, silly as they can be.

I tell people I love my students and it’s true but aside from our time in class how much do I think about their happiness? How much do I think about them at all? How much do I think about anyone?

I have countless people who have made my life more enjoyable and fulfilling, even if in miniscule ways, how much energy do I put towards them?

Most people get home from work and they think about what happened that day, what might happen tomorrow, they talk to friends or family. I jump between studying and creating and spending time with myself to meditate and heal and very little energy goes to other people.

I’ve become stingy with my time.

That’s really what it is. I feel there is still so much I have to do to get where I want to be and I am starting to get older and I wasted so many years so I want to get better at everything and create the things I was never focused enough to create. I want to get to a point where I can be paid to create those things so I never need to sacrficie them for other work.

And in this whole attempt to get on the right track, I find myself looking forward, not able to enjoy the moment.

Not all moments have been easy to enjoy, in fact many have been painful. But right now I feel I need to slow down and appreciate all that I have.

I say I care about other people and building a community so I think I should spend more of my time appreciating the ones in front of me rather than the ones I want to create.

Yeah the community I am part of drinks too much alcohol for me and a lot of the people around me are too busy to do the things I want to do, but this isn’t even about seeing them or even talking to them. It’s about slowing down to reflect on all of them and appreciating them privately, maybe sending a message if I have the desire to, not out of obligation but because I appreciate them.

This was originally going to be a post thanking them but I got too wrapped up in myself again. I feel like I need to be more consciouss of the world around me whether I am studying, working or talking to other people.

I get too stuck in stories, other peoples and my own.

I will keep this in mind and see what happens!

I will not take anything for granted.

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Untangled Knots podcast:
Japanese Upbringing Explained (interview my Japanese student)

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