Life Update: My Amazing Mothers, the Panic Attack that Almost Beat Me, and My New Short Hair!

I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would face this kind of hurdle in life. It didn't even occur to me, nor did I have any idea about it. I thought my life would be all just plain black and white, so it surprised me when I saw red, which is like torture to me, and I had to stay in it for a long time. I want to go back to my black-and-white world and leave the red mark behind. But how? It's not easy, especially since it keeps tailing me.

Hey guys, wuzzup └( ＾ω＾)」? How are you all? Me? Well, not really that good. Just okay? To be honest, I've been living my past six days in dread because of anxiety that I might bleed again. If you remember, I shared about my second severe nose bleeding recently, and I thought that would be the last. But then, on March 17, right after coming out of the comfort room to pee, I experienced again much more severe nose bleeding. And when I arrived in the hospital, I almost lost consciousness, but it didn't happen because the nurses and doctor are really fast to act up, even though it is the weekend.

Look how this almost 30-year-old woman is being cleaned by her 54-year-old mama, lol. But really, I am so thankful to Mama during those hard times because she's always beside me. She cleaned up all the blood that splattered on my legs on this photo while I was bleeding, and she's been taking care of me since then.

But anyway, with how forceful and strong the nose was bleeding at that time, I felt like my brain would also come out because, really, it was spurting, as in too much. And I lost more blood on that last one compared to the first two. It is scary, and because of that last bloody experience, I already experienced a panic attack two days after I was discharged from the hospital because I was thinking too much about it. It's like the memory of it is still fresh in my head.

I am so nervous that when I felt that a liquid would come out of my nose, panic and fear took over my body, so I had to call Mama to calm me down. I was really scared at that time, and I had to cry to calm down. And it helps that Mama is there with me. Of course, I can't just rely on my oldies because even they might panic too I am really thankful that Mama is here with me.

So, because of that panic attack, I begged my mama to sleep beside me. We sleep together for two nights only. I let her sleep in her own house after that because I thought I was already brave enough to do that. But when the night came and I felt so alone in my room, even though my oldies were just a few steps away from me, I still had a hard time sleeping because of so many thoughts coming into my brain. But I know for myself that I have to overcome that. I know I can do that, but for now, I can't force myself to be fully okay because it's hard too.

But anyway, moving on, because I couldn't take care of myself alone, I asked Mommy D to cut my hair short. I don't take a bath every day because I'm afraid that I may experience nose bleeding again, and with short hair, if ever I decide to take a bath, I don't have to spend a lot of time on my long hair. So having short hair is more convenient for me. Thanks to my mom, D, for this.

They don't let me move so much in the house. Mommy F, on the other hand, is mostly the one who takes care of my food. She's the one who cooks everything, while all I have to do is just eat. I'm really like a bedridden patient. I want to go back to my usual routine now. But I know I can't do that yet. I'm just hoping for a fast recovery.

And tadaaaaaan! I really look old now, huh? But cheers to the new hair! With this, I will start a life without fears and only with bravery in my heart. I'm no scaredy cat any more ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ.