Self-Improvement vs. Personal Fulfillment…

This distinction jumped out at me yesterday like a crack addict hiding behind a bush on a shopping cart full of crack rolling down the street unattended. (Odd metaphor, yeah. But hey, let’s roll with it.)

Having spent the majority of my twenties (and early thirties) as a self-confessed self-help junkie, it hit home. (And we could totally use the phrases “self-improvement,” “self-help” and “personal development” interchangeably here. No matter the small differences between them some might/could argue for, you’ll ultimately find it all in the same section at the book store and the semantics lend little weight to what it all comes down to in the end.)

If you’ve been reading my blog over the last eight years (God, it really has almost been that long), you may be well-familiar with my cynicism with much of it. For as much as I wasstaunch advocate of all the “continuous and never-ending improvement” type dogma at heart of it, it took going all-in to finally see how cult-like the entire industry/“movement” had become. Indeed, there is much good in many of the countless books, programs, and principles propagated by all the different “gurus” and average-joes sharing memes on social media alike. Though as logically & emotionally appealing it all is on the surface when one first stumbles into the stuff, there are whole other nuances & subtleties to many of the teachings and underlying outlooks, paradigms & beliefs that took a while to become aware of / attune to that end up not entirely serving one’s best interest long-term… unless we’re talking about those milking audiences for paydays by selling hopium to keep clients/customers hooked into mindsets reinforcing the idea that we need help/fixing/improvement. Indeed, there are times & places in our lives when & where acknowledgement of our challenges & weaknesses is necessary to “overcoming” them and growing/evolving; yet it can & does become a slippery slope to an almost insidious relationship when giving too much time & energy to these core self-perceptions that have us continually striving for future ideals of “better,” consequently discounting what all we have to work with here & now.

Granted, not everyone has had the same experiences. Surely there are people who’ve managed a far healthier relationship with all the “self-improvement” stuff and actually put it into practice to create fantastic results in their lives rather than just continuing to consume it addictively to keep high off the motivational rushes. I surely can’t condemn it all, having to take personal responsibility for my own patterns. Though simultaneously, it’s worthwhile passing on lessons learned through the experience and shine light on some dynamics that others have also got reeled into unknowingly - whether capitalistic forces at work through manipulative marketing strategies played a part or just our own “human nature” at work as buying into ideologies promising results our egos like the sound of getting quicker & easier by following some collectively-approved external authority’s formulas than stumbling our way through the trial-and-error of finding our own unique path.

But lest I digress and do the broken record thang…

For whatever reasons, I bought heavily into the “self-improvement” paradigm. And doubled down, again & again. It took years to finally hit not some amazing destination that made it all worthwhile, but burnout.

It’s much clearer looking back in hindsight how much the whole “constant and never-ending improvement” stance just became a hamster-wheel - future-focused on “better,” with a corresponding inherent conception that who I was now was “never enough,” needed improvement, and could only validate my worth by putting in some ambiguously-huge amount of effort into achieving grandiose-level “success” on-par with the biggest of “my dreams” paralleling hustle-culture’s highest standards. And all the motivational & inspiration rhetoric.. that shit gives quite the high. Even if I had clued in that it was all essential just a treadmill / hamster-wheel, all the “progress” but an illusion while actually staying in the same place, all that NLP-based mindfuckery appeased the inner-addict enough to keep it satisfied with the chase. Until it didn’t. And when the reality of the burnout finally hit home, how do you even objectively measure how much “improvement” there was that made it worthwhile? Did 100,000 cycles on the hamster-wheel and decade of smoking hopium actually amount to anything?

And then comes that distinction: from self-improvement to ”personal fulfillment.”

How different might things have been & ended up had I slowed the ego’s compulsive desires to prove itself and prioritized the latter?

How much of life have I missed out by aiming for future “improvements” rather than simply seeking fulfillment? (Surely an amount that’s outright depressing to admit - though the self-honesty necessary to change.)

Granted, there was at least some intention to get to that personal fulfillment. Though unconsciously, it might’ve been looked at as a derivative-effect of the improvement - something that could only be achieved after x, y, z. ”Once my finances improve to this arbitrary benchmark; once I improve my living situation to the ideal; once I get the ADHD figured out and focus improved; once I finally heal from my separation and improve my sense of self-worth; once I improve my skills enough to make my ‘best’ music and/or writing; etc, etc… then I can be fulfilled.” Of course, it’s easier to look at that kind of logic as it’s laid out here and see the faulty thinking in/behind it.

I’m not quite even sure how to differentiate “fulfillment” from the concept of “satisfaction…”

As a Manifesting Generator type (Human Design), it’s Peace & Satisfaction indicative of being on correct course - and as simple it may be, that framework has provided context to drastically reconsider my aims the past few years as observing it/them. For all the overcomplexification I became a pro at during the years plugged into the “self-improvement” paradigm - and the mess of disillusionment that came with the inevitable burnout - there was something profoundly impactful & resonant with/about the offering/discovery of these simplified keynotes as signposts: Peace & Satisfaction. Having felt like my old life had nuclearly self-imploded, what’s left picked up by a tornado and shat down nowhere near Kansas, old goals no longer holding the meaning they did and values undergoing mutation, I honestly aren’t even sure what the fuck I want anymore (contrary to all the self-help dogma necessitating “setting goals,” “making vision boards” and shit). But Peace & Satisfaction… yeah. As vague as that may be, that sounds good. Yes, please.

As for fulfillment? While some might offer perspectives on how it might differ from satisfaction, my first instinct or response is that at least for now, there may be no need to overanalyze - but rather take them both as labels for roughly the same state/experience. Perhaps “fulfillment” might sometimes pertain towards a context involving some sense of “purpose” or “destiny;” though to feel satisfied, or to feel fulfilled… as the infamous saying goes in Thailand: “same same.” (Though if anyone reading this is able to shed some light on an alternative perspective and articulate to complete the ”but different,” do feel free to comment and slaughter my ignorance.)

Though for the sake of our core exploration of “self-improvement” versus “personal fulfillment,” let’s consider that context anyways…

Just say we are here for some “purpose…”

What’s more likely: that it entails following the dogma of hustle-culture preaching endless “improvement” to inflate the ego in indefinite pursuit of more - or just doing whatever the fuck it is actually fulfills us?

For as much as there might be a smug self-gratification in the hamster-wheel of striving to compensate for the insecurities that we’re “not enough” as we are, fuelled by motivational memes and inspirational platitudes, is this actually what “the world needs more of” - or would we all be better off if more people just got straight to biz and doing what “lights us up”…?

Yes, we can still value growth and invest in improvement should it truly serve the fulfillment of our potential and “purpose.” Though where’s the primary focus? What is the frequency/vibration we’re contributing? One of incessant fixation on improvement for improvement’s sake, or that of radiant satisfaction in the fulfillment of our roles of service?

There is indeed a time & place where improving aspects of ourselves is of benefit to ourselves, those around us, and ultimately the legacies we’re here to serve. *And then there’s a time to acknowledge when “enough’s enough” and where we’re “good enough;” to just fucking be, and get to work & play as we are - Divinely perfect as designed by nature, rather than striving to achieve the mind & ego’s ideals.

Whether the fulfillment of some purpose/destiny or more simply that of satisfaction in whatever it is we (choose to) do… yes, yes, yes.

Of course, ”to each their own.”

Motherfuckaz wanna keep on the self-improvement train? They won’t be alone. Like any other multi-billion dollar industry with cult-followings, the whole realm of self-improvement, self-help, and personal development ain’t going anywhere anytime soon. And there surely are priceless nuggets of wisdom to be found in some of it, mixed in with all the fluff.

Though I’ll be happy to shuffle my priorities around, taking lead from that single sentence that jumped out at me like an addict… ”personal fulfillment” not only sounding alot better and resonating with where I’m at and what I want in life, but feels right.

I’ve given way too many fucks striving & chasing for future ideals, plagued with the feeling of “not/never enough” that’s been rooted in the fundamental belief in a need for “improvement” conditioned through all the books read, programs listened to, and memes consumed like crack rocks for their motivational highs. It’s time to let go. To accept that while I’ll always be growing & evolving, life’s way too fucking short to get obsessive over “improvement” when time’s ticking away with fewer & fewer moments to simply revel in the fulfillment of being who the fuck I’ve grown into already and loving the hot mess of a soul-in-meatsuit, artist, eccentric, whatever-the-label-you-could-put-on-me I am as doing what I gotta & wanna do to radiate the Peace & Satisfaction that’ll nourish my spirit and ripple out to have some unknown beneficial influence in the quantum soup of our shared reality far more than following yet another dogmatic platitidinal motivational or hustle-culture cliché praising “improvement.”

And I fully invite you to read this all as but a reflection - doing exactly the fucking same, should it resonate for you.

What’s left to say…?

”Blah, blah, blah.”

”Some shit.”

(Insert dumb epic concluding statement here.)