Loss & Grief

“And perhaps there is a limit to the grieving that the human heart can do. As when one adds salt to a tumbler of water, there comes a point where simply no more will be absorbed.”
- Sarah Waters, The Little Stranger

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Amidst the game of life and death, we and our loved ones are like cards, that are being traded.

We're given options like characters from an RPG game; where balance resides. When, and if, you want to add a point to one of your attributes, you must deduct a point from another. So that you don't turn into an all-powerful being, who's now a demi-god; one who conquers everything that comes in their path.

So, if life gives you a moment of gratification, then just a short while later, death gets its part of the deal.

Death is most unpredictable, the ultimate construct and agent of misery.

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I've been trying to put together this post for the past three days, and I've failed every damn time. I can't muster up the strength. I already have a weakness towards animals, and now, to lose this little guy, who I considered a mini version of myself, my little feline friend; it's all too much to take in.

The past week was already quite tiring, I was drained mentally, I had no focus and I slacked a lot. This news right here was the last nail in the coffin I guess.

We lost our little Miku just 3 days ago. He is with us no more and is now under the refuge of the afterlife. He was actually my wife's cat. He lived with 3 other siblings at my in-law's place, they are all just under 2 years old.

Miku was, and still is, the only cat that I could consider to be my own pet; in the feline category at least. I've had pet dogs, birds, and even a little chick, but never a cat. And now, when I had finally considered bringing one slightly under my wing, this is the news I get.

The symptoms say that we lost him to the flu, which infected his respiratory system. He wasn't a fan of the cold, he would have issues breathing and would catch a cold quite easily; compared to his siblings. That is why he was always more of a lazy and indoorsy cat; one who preferred blankets and pillows instead. While his siblings all messed around the house and terrace.

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ᴵᵐᵃᵍᵉˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵒᵛᵉʳᵃˡˡ ᶜᵒⁿᵗᵉⁿᵗ ᵃʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᵒʷⁿ ᵘⁿˡᵉˢˢ ᶦᵗ'ˢ ᵐᵉⁿᵗᶦᵒⁿᵉᵈ

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He wasn't a fan of mine always, the little man had trust issues at first. He trusted my wife the most, and would always give me the little side-eyed look haha. But, I was slowly winning him over.

Even just three weeks ago I was at my in-law's place, and he seemed fine. He would come up to me and do his little "meow", meaning he wanted to get under the sheets and relax there; while I petted him slowly. He would even let me pick him up this time, which meant that I had finally won his trust. My wife got jealous and was confused, that after spending a just few days with him, I was already winning him over.

And now, just three weeks later, after being ill for less than 48 hours, it got really bad, and we lost him in a matter of hours. We contacted the vet and got medicines beforehand, but nothing worked. Soon after we found out that there seemed to be some sort of a flu outbreak, we heard news of people's cats falling ill all of a sudden, all around the country. Which is quite unfortunate, and in my case, completely unheard of.

It's been 3 days now, and it's still tough for me to believe that he's gone. And I don't know why I keep blaming myself, that if only I was there, I probably could've done something to save him. But I was close to 300 kilometers away, and I couldn't even see him for one last time.

Every time I see his pictures or videos, I'm reminded of our moments together, and this one regret, of not being able to see him. It's a burden, that I'll probably have to carry for the rest of my life.

Take care, little guy. If there is an afterlife, I'll be meeting you there. Bet on it! 🖤

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