I Got To Take a Break From It All

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Here we go again. Hello darkness my old friend. Isn't it funny how you can experience an emotional landscape, sit with it, come to terms with it, think you're all good with it, and then feel it rising up to punch you in the face so hard it floors you?

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That's how I'm feeling today after finding out Dad's biopsy result. After a surf yesterday I popped over and we went out for a coffee and breakfast after Dad got his stitches out from his op last week. It was only when he got home and we played around for a bit taking the drone up that he threw the results on the table for Mum and I to see.

Bam. Epitheliod mesothelioma.

Well.

Dad's response? Well, 76 isn't that bad. He's not keen to have more chemo or radiation. He did wonder where he got it from, but he was a draftsman who measured up on building sites. Asbestos was everywhere back then.

It is what it is, he said.

And he's right, and we've been here before, but it doesn't make it any easier. I sat there trying to follow his lead and be brave but my heart was constricting pretty tightly.

Life expectancy isn't that long for this disease.

Dad put his noise cancelling headphones on my head and put on a song. This one. It was very, very, very hard to be strong and brave and all I could do not to cry. It's a great song - it's off the Stones new album and they've really done something beautiful with this one.

Well, I got to take a break from it all
'Cause the wind and the wilderness calls
And I just need some peace from the stars
I got to take a break from it all

And I got to take a break for a while
Where there ain't another human for a hundred miles
I hate being enclosed by the walls
And I got to take a break from it all

I'll be dancing on diamonds, I'll be skating on glass
I'll be chopping up wood, I'll be splitting the halves
An old AM radio is all that I've got
It just plays Hank Williams and some bad honky-tonk
'Cause I got to take a break from it all

And I got to brеak away from it all
From the city and the suburbs and sprawl
And the small town chattеr and the know-it-alls
To a place where no one can call

And I won't hear the sirens or the maddening crowd
Just the bark of a fox and the hoot of an owl
Ain't got no connections or a satellite phone
I'm avoiding the pictures and the people back home
And I just got to break free from it all

The poignancy lies in the subtext - not merely about an old man looking for peace from the 'maddening crowd' in London but breaking free from this mortal coil and heading into the wilderness of what comes next. And it's Dad, of course, when we used to drive down the Great Ocean Road from Melbourne when we were kids, telling us to take deep breaths of the fresh ocean air because we had to go back to the city.

When I left, I drove down the Great Ocean Road listening to it again and bawling my eyes out.

Oh, Dad. It's hard to imagine the world without you in it.

As I write this today I'm trying to distract myself at work. Writing this wasn't a good idea - that feeling has come back. So I'm going to leave it alone now, and if I don't respond to comments, it's because I can't.

With Love,

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39 comments
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Oh, I know I can't seem to fathom the pain you're in now, but it's also okay to cry your eyes out and pure out all your emotions. We as humans need to pure out what we have in mind, it's like a gradual remedy for the soul which heals slowly regardless. I love that you wrote out what you feel, it's one way to get out of the dark place and share your pains.

Sending lots of love and care to you, River! I wish I was close to you now, to at least console you, but it's OK! I hope when you read this, you feel a little better.
Take really good care of yourself, River. When you need someone to talk to, we all are here to support you and don't forget that we love you and hope you come back to us soon.

Zeegirl 🌻.

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All my love to you River. May you find peace within your heart. Maybe not now, but soon.❤️

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Ouch. That's horrid. There is no life manual on how to handle something like this. But... experiencing your feelings as they arise is a good and healthy thing...

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(Edited)

💕 I'm definitely allowing myself to feel - but without the wallowing if I can. Fine line!

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So sorry to hear about this rivers.

Stay strong for your dad and support him with whatever decision he makes. He wants to spend his time happily with his family and that's what you're destined to do even if it hurts you so bad inside. Be brave❤️

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It doesn’t matter if you don’t respond to the comments, hope writing it here helps.
Sending prayers and good wishes.
Take care @riverflows

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Oh rivers, sending hugs over there, stay strong for yourself and your dad.

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I got you,my mom too has brain tumor that we find out just this week. Let's ask God for grace to face everything.

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❤️ Oh hugs to you 💓 and I hope she will be okay xx

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There are no words of comfort for what you must be feeling:( I'm so sorry. But you have to be strong and be there for him.
Big hugs

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I'm so so sorry, my dear. My heart goes out to you guys. Try to find for yourself the little breaks, the space you need <3

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There are no words that will bring you peace of mind right now. I know because I have gone through it with both parents now. I love that you dad gave you the song to let you know that he is going to be okay with transitioning from here to the stars above. It is always harder for those left behind but right now enjoy all the time you have left together. One day you will look back on all your memories and actually smile. Right now though I am crying with you. Much love and hugs from afar.

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When I left, I drove down the Great Ocean Road listening to it again and bawling my eyes out.

🫶🏻

I love the relationship you have with your Dad through music. It's really something special and will stay with you as long as you're walking your own path on this bizarre yet amazing spinning sphere we call home. Your Dad sounds cool, brave and full of love for his family. Wishing you all the very best and earnest love over the coming times. Mind yourselves and hard as it may be, try to enjoy every day with your Dad. Hugs from Ireland.

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All my energy towards you and your Dad. I'd like to write something soothing, but words are not my strongest. If you want to Whatsapp me, don't hesitate (I can make something shhhhhhtoopid to make you laugh a bit).

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Oh, @riverflows, I am so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine your pain. I hope you won't be afraid to cry, to feel. It just means that you love him.
I hope your Dad's days are comfortable and joyful and that there are a great many of them left.

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How hard it is to receive the news that time is running out fast.

Your dad made the best decision, the best thing he can do is to stay away from chemo.

You know that time is relative, even though he must be in a lot of pain if he lives these last days, months with intensity, being happy in spite of the circumstances, he will feel that he has lived 120 years. You have to continue to be strong, for that to happen and after the storm passes, cry, scream, run.

I hug you in the distance @riverflows 🤗

I have not been able to find you in discord, although it is not the best way to say it, I just want you to help me with the badge that you handled mental health is very important to me and at the time I was not assigned, I made the post requirement and I leave it for verification. Thank you and sorry for the inconvenience.

https://hive.blog/hive-123046/@soyunasantacruz/ecotrain-question-of-the-week-24-bipolarity-as-a-mental-illness

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Oh, @riverflows, my heart hurts for you... I am so sad your dad got that dx. He will decide what's best for his quality of life and I know you will be there for him always. But this is so hard, so hard... My thoughts are with you...

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