My Anger Is Still In The Learning Stage

The day I knew there were levels to anger, I knew mine was still in the learning stage and this is because, for some, it has gone beyond the normal anger and has become a psychological problem. Imagine someone getting angry and in the process killing someone/destroying things around them or someone who gets angry and starts to inflict pain on themselves in the form of physical harm.

When I was very young, there was this boy who was younger than me, when he got angry, he would begin to hit himself so hard, slap his head, chest and cheeks till he was calm or when his parents eventually granted his request. It was always funny to me because I never saw myself doing that.

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My anger is just for a short while and that is the end. I don't like getting sad unnecessarily and takes it longer as I realise it only affects my mind, so I get calm once everything is settled. I get pissed when something wrong is done to me and instead of talking, I keep calm and after a while, I feel good.

I don't know how to speak my mind when it comes to certain situations and I know how to stay calm without letting you know I am angry at you but my expression would reveal that, and after that, I release myself from that mood to focus on something else to divert my attention. That doesn't mean we won't be back to our relationship again but I would only set boundaries and limit my interaction until I am convinced the person is indeed sorry, but not in all situations.

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I am a gentle person with a soft heart. I may flare up at first, and I might show the reaction which you will see but I don't speak out because I tend to stammer when expressing myself and before you know it, I start to cry because of how pained I am but it only lasts for some minutes or most times hours but it doesn't extend to the next day. Sometimes, I will be smiling even when I am hurt but when I am pushed to the wall, I release that anger 😠 I used to wonder if I have a double personality.

My anger has never made me destroy things because I calmly do my thing. My siblings have noticed something about me that once I am angry, they know it's fake as I would just smile after being stared at for a while. They just want to see me releasing myself from boiling with anger. To them, once they kept staring, my nose would start to make some movement and they would joke with it, before I knew it, I would smile and that was the end. I return to playing again.

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Many times, I joke with those close to me that when I get angry, it is always like the ground would open up that time as I would pride in it saying I inherited such anger in my family. With my bragging about that, I am too soft to try anything bad as they would tease and say I can't do anything other than flare up for some minutes and it has ended. I would laugh because that is the truth.

My anger isn't destructive, either inwardly or outwardly as I tend to control myself in that process. I am always careful not to utter any word at that moment because I know how dangerous words can be especially when one does not think before saying it out. I am calm even when I am boiling inside me, it may make me not want to talk at that moment but my mind calms down after a few minutes or hours and that is because I choose to either take a shower, walk around, watch a movie or funny short clips online to divert my attention away from what caused the anger.

So, despite my quick anger and being hot-tempered sometimes, I know how to deal with it to avoid destroying things or letting it affect my mind. I just try not to let such things happen again as I would have learnt to set limits to whatever is the cause in the first place. I understand how anger can take the best of someone, so I am more careful in that aspect and would stay calm even when I am being offended because I don't want to get angry to the extent of ruining relationships or my personality because life can be funny.

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^{Image 1:Pixabay on Pexels || Image 2:Pavel Danilyuk on Pexels}