I am a whirl storm of rage
It seeps into my bone on days i feel rather ungrateful for being alive. Days like today, where nothing seems to matter. In my seat, in church, the chants of the other members around me doing nothing than stroking on my growing annoyance. I want nothing more than to race back to my bed and delve into the comfort of the book I was reading, Quicksilver. But that can’t happen, not until the church service is done, not until I have packed my bags for school to completion, and not until I have made peace with the fact I’ll be going tomorrow.
I don’t know which is bothering me the most, the fact that my chest is thumping nervously, or the steady and growing ache in my head. I am a whirlwind of pain, not sure where it’s coming from. Death might not want to come quickly, but other things are here, keeping me in a rather weird type of comfort. I am meant to be focusing right now, listening to the sermons. My phone in my bag and my focus straight ahead but I’m not doing that. The lady seated beside me is glancing sidelong at me, glaring for me to drop my damn phone before she does it for me. But I don’t care. I don’t care about any of it. I love God, I truly do. But times like this, i want nothing more than to hide under the covers of my bed. My head is aching, the hair I’d gotten done yesterday just a tiny addition to the pain. It was all my mind, what I was thinking, how I was feeling.
The rage is there, bristling just beneath the cover. And I am finding it hard to keep it down, from exploding, from ruining my already ruined day, for making me even worst than I feel. I am to leave for school tomorrow, my bags still unpacked, my nerves getting the better of me. I don’t want to go—yet, I do. I do want to step out of this house for a while but what comes there, at school isn’t something that gets me excited. I do get to see my friends but that doesn’t matter. I want to sink. I want to sink deep beneath the dark blue sea. I want no one to hear witness of my departure from the living. I simply want not to be. Away, somewhere—at peace.
Thanks for reading.
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