Contemplating Escape

"I am sitting out under a tree—that I seem to have grown fond of lately—ruminating over whether I should just pack my bags and run or just pretend like I am truly enthusiastic (because I don't feel shit right now)."

I am not sure that I would like to continue this job I have been assigned to any longer. It seems to me like it is going to be a little more than I had anticipated, and probably even more than I can handle. And, to be candid, I don't exactly have the passion and zeal for it to begin with.

With zero rewards other than the basic stipend I get from the government, I am left hanging on a thread, which is the thin passion that I have.

I thought that I really wanted to impart knowledge on these kids, but with the recent staff meeting I had and the realisation that that's more required from me than what I was offering, I thought to myself if I could really pull this off and not waste my time and that of these students.

Assessing everything, however, I would say that it isn't entirely my fault because there were certain parts that the school should have played but didn't. I wouldn't fail to call myself out for slouching on the job because I am not doing as well as I could have imagined. But even at that, I do think I am probably being a little too hard on myself. Or maybe not, and I am just being a little complacent instead.

Apparently, the school isn't pleased with me and a couple other serving Corpers as well. Their complaints about me were just two. One was that I wasn't coming to school to teach as often as I ought to. The second is that I had not provided these students with the notes that they needed to write and keep with themselves.

For the reason that I was not attending school as I should, it is true. I am to teach physics to two arms of a classroom, twice a week for each one. What I have been doing, however, is teaching one arm once every two weeks and then the other arm the following week. Very poor, yes, I know. But there really is a reason why that's happening.

You see, I was assigned Mondays and Thursdays to teach these classes. Thursdays happen to be the days that I have to attend my community development service assignment that's mandatory for me. Therefore, going to work on that day is usually not feasible and really isn't expected of anyone on such days. Hence, they only get to see me at work on Mondays because there is a timetable and I cannot just come on any day.

For the notes now, I should put it out there that I had only just graduated from the university. I have zero experience and expertise teaching a bunch of secondary school students, and it has even been a decade since I was at that level in my life as a secondary school student. I don't exactly know how to do the job. Hence, developing a note was not going to be an easy task for me.

Here's the catch, however. I had zero orientation and guidance when I got here. I was only given a curriculum to follow and develop notes from. And, also, writing with my hands is perhaps my least favourite thing to do in the world. I'd rather run a mile, which I don't like to do either. Invariably, because of my underlying constraints, I kept procrastinating on their note. I do try my best to explain to them in-depth the various concepts that they need to know, even as effectively as I can. However, that isn't enough.

Then the staff meeting came up, and so did the query for me. They seemed to read in between the lines that I wasn't exactly willing to write notes—because, for goodness sake, there is just so much to do for zero incentives—and gave me an already-prepared note. For a second, I wondered why they didn't give that to me in the first place. Then, after going through the note, I realised that there was so much I wasn't going to cover because the curriculum didn't tell about them to begin with.

It baffles me how they think "being patriotic and concerned about the future of the kids" should naturally encourage me. It would take as much effort and perseverance as I am putting in now to ride on that. and even those are beginning to wane. Because I would rather spend more time and give attention to the "other things" that would help me survive as a human being.

"What is worth doing is worth doing well." I know, and I really should do better, attend these classes more often, compile a comprehensive note, and pass it on to them. And I will, but I first had to let the management know that they had messed up on their path by not enlightening me and a couple other colleagues of mine on how the whole thing was supposed to go and how the school runs. I was just asked to walk right in and begin work.

Another side to it all is that, boy oh boy, these kids don't know shit. They are in their penultimate year, but it appears to me that they didn't get the solid foundation they needed before this class. Therefore, they look at me like owls whenever I mention elementary concepts or ask them questions. This makes me spend even more time teaching because I would have to teach them something they should have already known prior, making me even slower with their topics.

At this point, it is very evident that this job isn't made for me. Maybe I could learn just how to do it more efficiently, but I would like to run away now—pack my bags and transfer myself to a different kind of place of primary assignment. Sadly, I cannot just do that. I could have done that in the beginning—let them know that I am able to—and saved all of us from all the stress. We are half way into the term (or semester).

I will finish this term with these kids strong. I'll salvage the situation and make things better. I'll try my best. One thing is certain, though, and that is that I am coming back to these "running away" thoughts at the end of the term. Meanwhile, I will have to let the management know that their timetable for me isn't feasible and that something should be done about it. Either way, I'll manage through and do my best. I just needed to clear my head on this here and now...