Why Forgive and Forget Isn’t Always Realistic

We often hear this common advice, "forgive and forget," especially when we are resolving a conflict with someone, but let's be realistic: can one actually exist without the other, considering that we still have a functional brain?

Just last month, I was telling a friend that my cerebrum is still intact, and that's why it's hard to forget what she did to me in the past, but that doesn't mean that I haven't forgiven her. Our brain is not like a whiteboard that one can just wipe off memories at a glance, so? Forgetting things, I can say, is not completely under our control, just that we shouldn't allow the hurt to control our emotions. Maybe when we see the person, bitterness arises upon remembering what the person did; that means we haven't forgiven.

Forgiveness is about letting go, doing away with every weight, and living freely, to the point that even when you remember, it doesn't hurt you. I hear people say that if you continue to recall a past hurt, then you haven't forgiven and you are not also a good Christian, but hold on, if I quickly forget how much you hurt me, how will I be more careful with you going forward? That means similar incidents will keep repeating themselves, and how does that make me wise?

Remembering it is even important so I can set healthy boundaries to avoid you breaking my heart again. Simply put, I can genuinely forgive you, but I can't forget, but if I say I forgive you, I wouldn't use whatever you did against you in the future, but I would be very careful with you.

Practically, I have this friend of mine who hurt me last year and repeated the same thing this year! I forgave her, but this second time, no one told me to create a big boundary to avoid her shattering my heart anymore. That last year, what she did to me was enough of a red signal to give her a long space, but I decided to give our friendship a chance; I forgave her, and we started playing along. We became very close, and I had no reason to recall her bad deed of the past until this year, July. My God, this lady acted like I am a fool. I was deeply hurt; even my sister, seeing the whole drama, was hurt on my behalf.

We are all humans that can make mistakes, but it is wise that we protect our sanity. I wouldn't make my heart vulnerable for people to creep in and mess with my emotions, leaving me empty. I politely confronted her and reminded her of how she did the same thing last year during a similar event at our kids' school because her children and mine attend the same school. She tried explaining heaven and Earth again like she did last year, but I forgave her in advance so I can have my peace and happiness within, but since that very last day in July, I set a clear, strong boundary so there won't be room for her to hurt me further.

Did I forgive her? Yes, I genuinely did, but I am not going to forget it; otherwise, she will keep repeating the same actions, and it's not healthy for me.

Overall, I would say that it's not completely realistic to forgive and forget, but I will let go and learn from the experience to avoid reoccurrence.

Images were taken from canva