If I Was President for a Day, God Help This Nation.

If I was the president of this country for just one day, ah! Everybody should just prepare for cruise. In fact, I won’t even sit in the presidential office. I’ll rule from my parlour, with toothpick in my mouth and one leg on the center table like an African uncle watching football. My first executive order? All Mondays are now cancelled. Yes, you heard me. No more dragging your soul out of bed by 6 a.m. to go and suffer. If your boss asks why you didn’t come to work, just say "President Adeniyi said it's now Sleep Day."

Let me not lie, if I become president for a day, na cruise and chaos go mix together. First of all, I’ll rename the country from “Nigeria” to “Enjoyment Republic of Vibes.” Every citizen must have a nickname. If your name is Emmanuel, we’ll call you “Big Manny.” If your name is Joy, we’ll rename you “Queen Vibes.” No dulling in the Vibes Nation.

Number two: NEPA must apologize to all Nigerians on live TV. With candle in hand. In fact, they will do a 1 minute silence for every time they took light during someone’s wedding or football match. If they refuse, we switch off their office generator. Let them feel the heat too.

Now, to food matters. Every citizen is entitled to one free plate of jollof rice per day, no negotiation. And not the type that’s red on the outside but tastes like boiled sadness. No, proper party jollof that slaps harder than Nigerian parents in the 90s. Also, anyone caught putting raisins in fried rice will face 24 hours in Yam Punishment Camp. What’s that? It’s a place where you peel yam from morning till night, and all the yams are slippery.

Next decree: All politicians must use public transport for 24 hours. Let them enter Danfo at Ojuelegba and feel the real Nigeria. If a conductor insults them, they must not talk back, they must just say “God bless you, sir.”

For entertainment, I’ll make “Dancing Hour” compulsory at 4 p.m. nationwide. Wherever you are, bank, church, filling station, when the anthem starts, everybody must dance for five minutes. If you’re caught doing small-small legwork, you’ll be made to attend dance school with 5 year olds.

Education? All teachers will now be paid like footballers. Yes! That’s how we’ll balance the brain economy. If you can teach 30 students how to solve x + y = 9 without losing your mind, you deserve Benz and bodyguards.

Finally, I’ll set up a ministry for “Cruise and Vibez”, and I’ll appoint myself Minister for Enjoyment Affairs after I hand over power. Every Friday, we’ll have national karaoke. Ministers will sing, governors will rap. If your voice cracks, you donate your salary for the month.

In conclusion, the country might not be perfect, but with me as president, even for one day, at least we’ll laugh, dance, and eat well. And honestly, in times like this, that’s more than enough.

Image is Ai generated

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