A Voice in My Head
When Everything Stops Becoming Appealing
I don't know about others, but for me, I do have this recurring mood swing. It has never been frequent but recently it seems it has become a part and parcel of my life. I could recall four days ago, while in church, it happened again, such that I couldn't leave the church even after everyone had gone. I shared it with one of our members, and she made fun of it, asking if that could possibly happen to men. Yes, it happens, and it can happen to anyone. She suggested that I should do the things that I loved doing. But how do you begin to do things that have stopped being appealing? Yesterday it came again, I had to leave the house and look for somewhere to hang around. Yesterday was so depressing that even eating was a problem, and when I forced myself to do so, the food tasted different. I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. I rolled from one side of the mattress to another. I drank water, and it tasted sour. At that point, I knew that I needed to see a therapist. What could be the cause of this? I usually ask myself.
Yesterday evening, I got to the house and tried to sleep. It was difficult to sleep, I stayed till 10pm, I could recall because I was fiddling with my phone, till I dozed off. Only to find myself awake by 11:30pm. From that time till now, I keep on wondering what's going on around me. As I am writing this, it's 12:30 am and I am forcing myself to do this. The motivation to do this came after I remembered this community then I decided to share my struggles. For the past few days, everything has become so discouraging and unappealing. Putting down things on my blog for the hive community became Herculean. I find myself every time being moody and inarticulate. I am the shadow of myself.
Most of the time, I asked myself some salient questions; could it be that I am bothered about so many things? And since the life I envisaged for myself isn't what I am living now, could that get to my subconscious such that it is having an overwhelming power over my life? Lots of questions begging for answers. I believe that if you do not give permission to a thought, it cannot get hold of you, but in this case, I think the hand of this depression is so monstrous, such that it's hegemonic and has an overarching and uncontrolling tendency over my life. I don't know if someone has gone through this and I overcame it.
I know that I am in one of the worst stages of my life, although I have been here before, but it never gets to my head as it's happening to me now. So many pressures, so many thoughts, lots of weaknesses and so on all putting their hands on me. I know it won't be long. When things get to the extreme, it's a sign that a breakthrough is near. I've been struggling to put this down and as I end, checking the time, it's past 2:00am. I just wish I could sleep now.