Perfectionist Childhood | What Does That Mean?

The title of this section is a play on words over the normally known perfectionist parents. The idea is that parents who seek an unprecedented level of perfection from their children put the child under excessive stress and therefore scar them for life. While this is true, what psychologists fail to realize is that those parents themselves would have undergone equal or even more stress as a child, and as a parent, they are only reliving their childhood. We fail to see their struggles with their parents. Having understood this part, we will forgive the parents and focus on our childhood without blaming them.

Coming to the topic, a childhood with perfectionist expectations puts the child in an extremely nervous environment. The perfectionist expectations are also at times accompanied by anger and resentment. What this does is that it pushes the child towards uncertainty. Let me digress over here and then come back to the original point. Usually, a perfectionist childhood results in the child being perfect in the intended area. For example, a child expected to be good in their curriculum does end up being the best, same with a child experiencing expectations in sports, art, or any other areas. This is the good part, and hence, having expectations is not bad. It just gets overboard when the expectations far exceed the required levels. And that’s when things go wrong with the child.

The children in such an environment, though good at the intended areas, may end up having an uncertain lifestyle in other areas of life. This may work in some cases, but won’t in many others. For example, a kid brought up to be extremely good at his/her curriculum may end up being average in his work life later. The skills required to tackle work life in a social environment are very different from those required in a study environment. As such, though good in studies, the child may end up being a dud in real life.

And that is the actual problem.

Strong in One Environment | Dud In Another

A perfectionist environment usually keeps the child focused on one area while leaving other areas underdeveloped. Why is that? That is because practice and familiarity in the known area make them grow well in that area. However, in the other unknown areas of life, they would be struggling. They just wouldn’t know how to cope or how to get used to them.

To make matters worse, they have been conditioned to look for validation, and therefore, in the unknown territory, they would be looking for validation from external sources. The problem is that those validations may or may not come. What does the kid, who is now a grown-up, do?

Also, a perfectionist environment is usually accompanied by a fearful response to anger. Most often, an angry, authoritative figure’s demands are never argued or opposed. This means the child usually knows only one way to deal with an angry atmosphere: either accept the demands or freeze up with uncertainty. Now, imagine if this behavior of unchallenged acceptance or freeing up when uncertain comes in a typical job environment, what do we think would happen to such a person? Mostly, he or she will be taken advantage of or may end up being a failure. Either one is not a great outcome.

The other aspect is to be stuck in uncertainty. A child growing up in a perfectionist environment is subject to uncertainty outside the expected behavioral realm. They do not know how to navigate that uncertainty. As such, they wouldn’t want to take risks or avoid an unknown area completely. This translates to being averse to learning new things and unlikely to take any initiatives. Such a behavior would likely stunt a person’s career in the chosen field. And therefore, once again lead to failure.

So, what then? Are children growing up in a perfectionist environment doomed?

Realization Is the First Step to Recovery | Transformation Can Happen Even In Unknown Areas

I have been the one growing up in a perfectionist environment, and I have gone through all of the above. What are they? Challenges in work life, seeking validation, being afraid of authority, avoiding conflict, being stuck in uncertainty, being averse to learning new things, and playing it safe. What do you think would be the outcome of such a career? You guessed it.

But the good news starts with the realization of such a pitfall. Once you are aware, you know what to do next. There are enough and more energy exercises like EFT, NLP, and more to relieve us of our past. That becomes handy to leave our past in our past. And while doing that, you realize one more thing. What is that?

Children growing up in a perfectionist environment know how to win!!

Make a good note of this point.

While yes, the child is limited in winning in one or a few areas of his/her life, but the fact is, the child knows how to win. Once the inhibitions are dealt with, the basic ingredients to win are already there. They just have to replicate it in other areas of their lives. Now you understand why there is no need to bash the parents?

So, there is hope. We can change and adapt. And it really helps if you believe in God. Lord God Almighty, the Father, His Son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit have helped a lot. I wish the same help for whoever needs it.

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