The Past

I started with a lot of excitement after my graduation, that I would be taking care of my parents and would be instrumental in earning and supporting them in life, and in the foreseeable future, would be some big guy with a big name and unheard of fame. I thought this would be life to the fullest.

And the life to the fullest also started in that manner. The victories were immense, and I was going forward quite well. Though I've got to admit that I couldn’t stop second-guessing myself and always kept comparing; not just comparing but kept hurting myself mentally, saying ‘I wasn’t enough’ and ‘I wasn’t good enough’. It took a toll.

I thought I would be famous, a high earner, a big name, having a big house, big cars, and a lot of things. This is not far from what most would hope for, if not aim for. That was me too.

But that’s not how things went.

The Present | Far From What I Aimed For

I look at myself now, and I seem to be a shade of my previous self. The only area that I have gotten stronger in is mentally, and that’s all thanks to God. But that’s where my story of improvement ends.

I am staring down a business I don’t know if it will take off or not. I have good opportunities I am working on, but always unable to get myself around to do it. My better-half’s earnings are what run the house. I have an ailing but stable father. I have a daughter at home. I am working from home, and most of the time, it feels like I am doing nothing at home. I can’t see myself getting famous anymore, earning big, or achieving big things. Most of the time, I feel I will die an unknown face, only remembered by the next generation. There would be hardly anyone who would even know me beyond that. There would be no legacy to remember.

More than that, it is the crippling comparison. Yes, that never died. It was there when I was successful, and it is here while I am not. And comparisons with my wife are never-ending. I seem to hate myself that I fell behind. All that everyone thought I would be, all that I thought I would be, has become nothing but a distant dream. And I have no one to blame.

I can’t seem to get around making money. I can’t seem to put my money in something that works. Even those things that seem to work for others just refuse to work for me. I don’t seem to be going forward.

The only work that I seem to be doing that adds any value to anyone (or so I think) is taking care of my father, since I am at home. And, of course, being available for my daughter. But these are things I could be doing even while earning or doing a job, right? So, what’s so great about doing it without a job or a source of income?

I know God’s watching. I know God’s helping, but why do I feel that the things that I so wanted – money, big house, car, fame, and all are a distant dream? I don’t even have the confidence that they will happen at all.

And that’s where I am.

So, What Now? | The Future

There are some silver linings for sure. I am a much stronger person mentally, and one who has improved my relationship with God. That’s a definite plus. But I am also changing my perspective from hereon. What is that perspective?

I am going to accept that money, power, fame, a big house, or a car are not going to happen anymore for me. All of the above has happened to my wife, and many will continue to happen. And may God continue His blessings on her. My work of taking care of my parents, my writings, and my opportunities are all that are left behind with me. Some of these have nothing to do with money, while the others are, and yet I haven’t seen any money in them. So, in a nutshell, it seems I am working on dud opportunities from a monetary standpoint, but still, I can make a difference to people who read what I write. That’s all. That’s all there is to it.

Given the above truth, can I accept myself? Am I a failure? Will it still be a success if I power on? Will I end up doing nothing of importance for anybody in my lifetime? I don’t know the answers to any of the above. The only possible difference I could make for anyone is my father and my daughter. That’s all I can see as of now, and here too, why couldn’t I be working and taking care of them both? I have a lot to answer, but don’t know how.

The only new thing in my lifetime is the firmness to power on. I have never felt that way before. I was always standing at the edge of failure and fearing that I would fall into failure until I actually fell into it. Meaning, I was never confident of winning or even knowing that I should stand firm in doing what I was doing. The result – I always gave up. I was never firm. That’s what has changed now.

This firmness to power on is what I am focusing on now. And no prizes for guessing that it has come from God. Everything I am doing, I will do it with utmost sincerity as if my life depended on it – taking care of dad, daughter, and working on the opportunities I have. Money is not going to be the judge of how I fare, but the sense of accomplishment. In all this, I will also continue to seek the Kingdom of God and his righteousness. And I hope that all the other things shall be added unto me.

One other thing I want to test out is whether I can catch up. I am visibly left behind big time. Not only my wife, but my friends, colleagues, and everyone who started with me have made it big and gone places. Not me. Heck, even those who started after me are way ahead. Question is – if I focus hard and give my 100% for 100% of the time, will I be able to catch up? That would be cool if I could. It’s a tough one, but I didn’t invent the phrase ‘never say never,’ right? So, maybe this is the fun that I am looking for. How about catching up?

I'm putting this out today. I will be back on 12th November 2026, and let’s see how standing firm has helped me. Until then, I will still be writing about my own tryst with the lowest of lows in my life and hope that it helps readers in any way possible.

Image Courtesy: Geralt at Pixabay(dot)com