5 minute freewrite 2593 prompt contradiction of lies
This is my post for #freewriters 2593 prompt contradiction of lies hosted by @mariannewest
Being a mother has been the greatest gift life could give me. Each time when I first held my newborn babies I had no words to say how I felt. In the past, I have felt love and been in love but this love I now feel is the deepest love I have ever felt how can I love someone so much that in that instant I knew I would do anything for them I mean anything, even giving my own life for theirs?
Everything was great from toddler to later teen years, this is when things started to change, a contradiction of lies, things like spending the night with a friend, turned out to be they were at a party. I figured these were teenage things, I did this with my parents and they will straighten up when they get a little older.
Things did change for the better my son married and had a son, he had a good wife and job working on skyscrapers in NYC, but after a few years, they divorced. This is when I saw a change in him that I can not fix and it hurts me. The hardest thing I have had to do as a parent is to accept it is his life, he is an adult and he knows the dangers of drug use. I am not very good at accepting this, but I am trying.
The other one was working a good job, she was the manager of a big box store when she started having medical issues and had to quit, she stopped going to the DR and started self medicating with street drugs. She lives with me and yesterday she was very "active" she dressed in a tutu, jacket, glasses, and a belt wrapped around her head and spent 3 hours cleaning a clean bathroom. She will be awake for a few days and then sleep a few, but when she gets up she is angry at the world until she gets "active" again.
People think I should not allow this and I should throw her out. I can not and will not do this!!! The thought of her being like this on the streets kills me. If something happens to her, I want her here with me, not lying in the woods somewhere and no one finding her for days. I have Narcan here at home, they say it will bring her back. I pray I never need to use it.
photos are mine
I am so sorry you have to deal with these issues! I remember the unconditional love for my children while they were young, and it seems you still possess that. I understand your not wanting her to suffer on the streets, that her suffering would be yours, too. Perhaps that love will help her. I don't know.
Thank you, for this. She is better than she was when she first came here, I will never give up on either of them. My husband has the belief that when you turn 18 you are on your own and should not be living at home. I guess that is how he was raised. I was raised where you could live in your parent's home as long as you wanted to live there and not have to pay rent, my husband thinks they should pay it.
The last time she was Baker Acted she thought I did it and would have nothing to do with me. She has been living in the woods for the last 3 years. When her brother moved back here, he got her to talk to me.
As a parent, you do the best you can when your children are old enough to choose where they stand on right and wrong, good and evil ... keep loving, keep praying, and do what you can do. Addiction means someone is trying to cope with deep pain, and it looks like both your children have lost things they felt should not have been taken from them. That loss of control, and sometimes the anger with God about it (because none of us really have control of our lives) is something every person has to come to terms with for themselves. You are showing them the patient love of God through your love of them ... it is still their decision as to what to do with that revelation, but you are doing the best thing you can.
When these two were in their early teens their father was killed in a car accident. I have always known the pain they carry. My daughter did have school counseling but my son refused to go. He was closest with his Dad and I have never seen him shed a tear for his loss. That bothered me, I did not know how to help them. All I could do was be there and tell them anytime they wanted to talk, I was here.
Again, they have been confronted with the fact, very young, that they are not in control of their lives, for no one would ever choose to lose their father in such a way. Humanly speaking, though, trusting a God who would take their father would also be very difficult ... and then to watch you move on, trust God, find love, and keep it moving says God can be trusted, but receiving that truth would require them to submit to His will, and that confess that He is right in whatever He does. This is not possible, humanly speaking ... but I will pray that the Spirit of God touch their hearts.
Amen and thank you
I can only echo what @owasco and @deeanndmathews have already said so well.