When Love Goes Wrong: My First Heartbreak Experience
This is my narrative of when I met the wrong one at the wrong time.
Among the biggest learning experiences that I have ever had, was the first heartbreak. Not until I left it did not I realize how emotionally damaging this relationship was.
I loved him, truly, and he loves me too. Nevertheless, no union can be called ideal. Just twenty two years old; i still have a lot of growing up to do. Although we have been friends for four years, we only dated for ten months in total. Honestly speaking, it should have happened much earlier than that.
Twice before we broke up, we had already broken up. I remember specifically thinking that I was the one who needed to change, that I needed to be the better partner. Turns out it was him, but I know he was emotionally capable of being a boyfriend.I really got lost in the relationship therefore I could not imagine how I can survive without him.
The first time he broke up with me, I could not believe it was happening, and I was really sad. I literally begged him not to leave. I lay in bed that night, and it was like the worst ache in my chest that I ever felt. That was the first and the last time he ever broke my heart, because even though we got back together, he never fixed my heart again.
Two weeks later, he broke up with me once more, and I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I felt that I was able to finally breathe again. Those two weeks we were again together, I would cry almost every day in fear he would break up with me again. I would try and do everything I could to show I was a good girlfriend and that I was worth keeping.
When we broke up the second time, I felt so relieved and happy. I made an appointment to make new braids, planned to actually hang out with my friends again, and focus on school. I barely cried.
I thought I was stronger until he texted me two days later, asking if we could talk. I was scared, yet thrilled—this had to be fate wanting us to be together. I immediately agreed and saw him the next morning.
This is a part that even now is very hard to think about. I knew then that I must let him go. He bought me flowers, apologizing and trying to reassure me. I thought that now everything was going to be OK. But the trust I had in him was gone no matter how hard I tried to trust him.
Every day, I woke up in such anxiety that he is going to leave me again. Of course, the next few months went okay, but emotionally, he wasn't there. I mean, I would be crying, and he just sits there, ignoring me most of the time. I thought that I was crazy and a bad girlfriend. I knew how unhealthy this was, but I couldn't bring it up with him.
I then fell, unfortunately, into an episode of sadness/depression. I knew it was from our relationship, but I did not want to say that to him. I needed to go from this relationship, and I didn't want to lose him. I was terrified.
A week or two after that he started acting funny, and I could tell he was going to dump me, I didn’t want him to go but I realized we had to break up. The games he was playing were not good for him or me.
Finally, I told him it was over. Never in my life had I been so relieved. Though scared of losing him at that moment, I loved myself so much, and I knew I needed to leave. So, I healed my broken heart all by myself. I love him, and always will, but I hope someday we find each other again. Loving him was such a learning lesson on how to love myself and I am cherishing it.
This is a story about the first man I ever loved and my first heartbreak
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