When you purposely hide yourself for too long, being seen can be uncomfortable.

There was that fear of being too awkward for the world, not being accepted or feeling like you’ve been living under the rock for too long. It was what I felt anyway but I realized, what could be a better way than to challenge myself, diving myself into what I feared the most, being seen.

In the end, I had to do the unthinkable. So, there I was, applying to speak at Hive Fest where I would be exposed to people, to speak in front of strangers, to be recorded and being around people I only talk to online.

It wasn’t easy and no matter how I prepared things, once I was on that stage, everything was pitch black. I couldn’t really remember all the words I prepared; I could not remember my notes I tried to remember the whole night or even the idea of how perfect it would have been was not how I expected it to be. In the end, it was just “another lesson learned”.

But I achieved my goal! I jumped into the unthinkable. Being seen.

I didn’t feel like conversations were draining me, instead I wanted to keep talking. After I left Malaysia, I felt a bit frustrated that I’ll be back in a house where quietness is the norm. People around me aren’t chatty, in fact if you talk about the future goals and any ambition, they’d diminish that dream so you won’t talk about it ever again.

So, naturally people don’t really have anything to talk about. Until I decided to reconnect with my other side of the family who isn’t necessarily quiet. Everyone talks here. They talk about anything they can talk about that sometimes even I find it a bit annoying yet at the same time, I feel energized.

When I started working, I was even more required to be seen.

In my line of work, I must be comfortable to be in picture and frame. Whenever there’s signing deals, surveys, and activities in gathering, I must be in the frame. So, I must be comfortable to be in front of the camera.

In the past, I rarely wanted to be pictured. I don’t like having pictures of myself but these past few months, I have taken so many group pictures and started to be comfortable being in frame too. Just look at these, for example, my group pictures with friends I have in Papua.

I am one to rarely care about how I dress or look but because now I must be in public often, I must look more presentable. In fact, I have been criticized on how little I care about my appearance in this new work, and it is still something I struggle with. For someone who liked to stay in obscurity to suddenly have to be in public and pictures, it all felt weird.

For quite many years, I’ve been comfortable living without being seen. I never really have to care what I have to wear, how I look or worry about all that. There were moments in my life when I was exclusively wearing hoodies without a care in the world. But now, long gone my hoodie days.

Most of my female friends have already told me to take a little care of myself and only now, I heed their advice. These days, I am often around nice places where I am required to dress for the occasion too.

At the same time, getting to church also helped me start getting better with how I dress. While it has nothing to do with the faith, but I can’t just go to church wearing a hoodie or shorts. I must look presentable as well. It’s one way for me to respect myself too and the people around me. So, since going to church regularly, that helps train me to be comfortable being seen and dress properly.

If you wonder how I manage to travel despite this weird ideation of not wanting to be seen, it’s possible. Whenever I travel, I try not to draw that much attention and dressing horribly does the job. But sometimes, when I travel, I felt like faking it all and it can get exhausting. These days, I don’t have to do all that, it has slowly become natural that I am comfortable being seen and being in public.

So, I am not saying that I am now 100% comfortable being seen but I have erased half of my fear of being seen and being around people. Though by default I am good with people and am comfortable talking to people, it used to cost me so much of my energy.

These days all these are natural and I get a good extra energy from people. But once again, I am still learning to be seen again and to be comfortable being seen.