One kind act at a time

Image is mine

In church today, there was a lady sitting quietly on the fourth row. She was a first-timer, her body language said it all. We were asked to stand, give a warm smile, and hug the people around us as we often do. Showing love is one of our cultures and we love to do it. When the person sitting next to her got up to give her a hug, I saw her confusion. She was stunned and looked unsure of what exactly was happening. Her arms stayed by her side, she didn't move, then she forced a smile.

She is not the first I’ve seen respond this way. And I’m sure she won’t be the last.

In my church community, we’ve embraced this culture of warmth. We greet with smiles, we hug like we mean it, we speak kind words to others, both familiar and unfamiliar. But I’ve come to realize that not everyone is used to this. Some people find it very strange.

Some people grow up in homes where love is loud- where hugs are normal, smiles are experienced a lot of the time and saying “I love you” is not reserved for special occasions . For them, being kind comes naturally. It’s what they saw, it’s what they know, it’s who they are. For some other people, love was quiet. They never heard their parents say "I love you", there was a lot of criticism, and neglect. Showing emotions was painted as weakness . They were raised to be tough, to think the worst of people first, to protect themselves, to expect that everyone has a motive. For them, kindness can feel very suspicious, a smile can feel like a trap and they're not being rude, they’re just genuinely cautious. That is a territory they are unfamiliar with.

Imagine growing up with this mindset that love comes with strings attached and that people are not nice or kind until they want something in return or that showing affection is a sign of weakness then, one day, you walk into a room where strangers smile at you for no reason and open their arms to hug you and give you compliments. I can imagine their self-defense instincts being at an all time high. It can be disorienting. They are not used to it.

But here’s the beautiful part; most of them catch up. Slowly, at their own pace but eventually. With one smile at a time, one warm “hello”, a lot of distant side hugs and a lot of blushing when given compliments. Not too long after, they begin to settle in and share this with other first timers and congregants, not because they fully understand it but because of the feeling they get doing it.

This is why we must normalize showing love and kindness. Not because everyone understands it, but because so many people are just learning it and are really in need of it. And they won’t learn it from books or movies, they’ll learn it from us. From how we treat them. From how we gently persist and not get offended even when it’s not reciprocated.

Showing love and kindness should never be conditional. Love should never be a strategy for deception. We shouldn't be warm only to those who understand it but to those who don't understand it as well. When we keep showing up with kindness even to those who resist or pull away, we become part of their healing. We become a safe place for them.

So please, keep smiling, give a hug when you need to and keep giving kind words freely. Someone out there needs it and is learning love from you, even if they don’t know how to say it yet.

Let’s make love normal. Let’s make kindness familiar. You never know who’s sitting quietly on the fourth row yearning, wondering if your smile is that one they can trust.

Thank you for reading through🍀