In Between

When Dami and I first started dating, it felt like returning to someone I didn’t know I needed. We were friends for over two years. It was that kind of friendship that slowly enters your life, making you wonder how you ever lived without it. He was already everything before he ever became mine, he was always calm, patient. He knew when to speak and how to listen. I was the complicated one. I was always moody and insecure. I almost always needed constant reassurance. Yet, He never made me feel like I excessive.

He made me laugh, but not in a loud and dramatic way. His humor was calm, just like him. I loved that about him, his calmness. It balanced out the chaos in me. He understood my mood swings and my need for reassurance on a constant basis. I’m not a very easy person to love. I’m passive-aggressive at some points if I’m not getting the attention that I want. Yet Dami would not make me feel like I owe an apology for being that person.

We’ve been dating for sixteen months. The kind of dating where you still text each other during the day just to say “I miss you”, still talk about the future without feeling like it’s forced. We do fight, of course we would, but even in arguments, he is always soft. He neither yells nor made me feel inconsequential, not once. I remember thinking, If there’s anyone I could live my life with, it’s him

But lately, everything changed. It’s been two months that I’ve not seen him. Two months of “I’ll try to visit soon” and “You know I want to come, babe. It’s just work”. He is a doctor. He works long days, deal with uncertain schedules, and sometimes emotional challenges. I’ve always respected that, I told myself that what he does matters more than my need for a weekend together, but now I’m starting to wonder if I’ve just been lying to myself. The late night calls that used to last until dawn now end after a few minutes because I’m too tired and he’s just getting off a long shift. Our chats are dry and short. Sometimes, he doesn’t even reply my texts until the next day.

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And then Tej came in

I met Tej at a small event that a mutual friend invited me to. He’s a photographer, vibrant, expressive and the total opposite of Dami. He notices things and he’s the kind of guy that compliments how you laugh, and not just how you look. He made me feel acknowledged, truly acknowledged.

The next time we met, he asked me out. I did not say yes, and I also didn’t say that I already had a boyfriend either. I didn’t lie but I didn’t tell him the entire truth either. I keep wondering why. Why didn’t I mention Dami? Was it because I didn’t think it wasn’t serious anymore? Or was it because part of me wanted to enjoy being wanted again?

Tej is persistent, but not in a pushy way. He truly cares. He calls me almost daily in the morning and sends voice messages that make me smile. He texts me randomy during the day, and shares pictures he took, saying they made him think of me. He asks questions about my day.

I feel good and wanted with him. Not like someone waiting on a phone call that might never come. But I haven’t stopped loving Dami; that’s the most painful part. I love him. I know what we have is rare. The way he holds space for me even when he’s tired and even when I’m being difficult. He doesn’t make me beg for forgiveness or change who I am. I feel safe with him even when I’m lonely. I trust him not to give up on me even when we drift. But can I say that about myself? Because I’m drifting.

There are nights where I fall asleep listening to Tej’s voice notes, feeling like I’m betraying Dami just by feeling something, and then there are days I ignore Tej’s texts on purpose, trying to convince myself that I’m still loyal to the man I love. But the truth is, I’m living in a gray area now –not fully committed but not fully detached, not cheating but not honest either.

I’ve thought about dating Tej for a while, just until I can finally move to Dami’s city and be with him again like we planned. I thought maybe the temporary closeness with Tej would fill the emotional gap, but I know how wrong that sounds. I’ve also considered about cutting Tej off completely. I could delete his number and close the door before things get out of hand. But I hesitate.

And there’s also the fear… that if I let Tej go, and things never go back to normal with Dami, I’ll have lost them both. But dating both? That’s a line I’ve never crossed and don’t know if I ever would.

I know Dami, he forgives a great deal, but he can’t ever forgive me for cheating. Should he ever finds out that I was seeing someone else, he’ll leave me without thinking twice, and I don’t want to lose him. Actually I don’t want to lose anyone of them. And so, here I am, torn. Between a man who’s loved me quietly and consistently even in my worst moments, and a man who makes me feel visible and desired.

Maybe the real question isn’t who I would choose, but who I want to. The girl who stays loyal to a somewhat dying love or the girl takes a chance on a new one. For now, though, I’m only the girl who doesn’t know what to choose. I am lost.

this story is fictional. I made up the characters and events in it, but it was inspired by real emotions
Image was generated using META AI

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