SOMETHING I DON’T UNDERSTAND

Life isn’t fair is it, when everything you ever believed in suddenly sounds like a lie. This is me, this is my life, this is my faith. I remember the days when I took my faith and beliefs so seriously, until a time came when I began to feel like a shadow of myself. I thought I knew better, I thought I had the right ideas, I seemed right when I talked, I had never known how to be wrong. I was a young teenager who grew up to be a young adult with one ideology and one principle to live. I took the values of honesty and integrity very seriously, to the point I knew I would never bend even in the face of death. But now I look at those who keep such values and feel sour grapes in my mouth.

But these were things I did so effortlessly, why do I feel differently about it, Why do this values seem overrated in my heart. What has happened to the boy who would not give in to what people thought or felt about him, when did I start caring, when did I suddenly start caring about what I wear or how I looked, when did I start spending heavily on myself. This all feels wrong because It wasn’t me. Suddenly I would refuse to lend someone money because I have things to do with it. Where did that selfless personality go, what have I become, what am I becoming, I don’t think I like this version of me, but I do not know how to turn back.

Suddenly I feel like I want to live life to the fullest, suddenly I do not believe in anything, suddenly I do not believe miracles happen, suddenly I only believe in hardwork and consistency. Suddenly I don’t feel like going to church, suddenly I don’t feel like praying, Suddenly I feel stupid, suddenly I feel like I’m losing it while holding it in my hand. I don’t think I even know what to feel or how to feel, but one thing I know Is that that guy with all those values might be dead. But I don’t want to try to resuscitate him, because I feel a new being has to be birthed. But how do I do it, I don’t even know how this version of me was born, maybe I know, maybe I’m just too hurt to want to remember, if that’s the case, then this might just be a lost cause.

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Sometimes I feel like I’m floating in space with no direction, or plan of landing. And even when I have a plan, I don’t think I want to go through with it. I would rather sit and watch all these great Ideas go to waste. Now I feel like I’ve lost purpose, with no reason to live or fight. What was I even fighting for all those years, why was I even fighting, what was the thing that fueled my passion, maybe if I remember I would be able to go back a little and change certain things I don’t like. Maybe I would understand some people’s tough decisions and resolutions. Right now I feel nothing is important in life, I feel we are all just born to one day die, I feel no one is special and holding anyone in high esteem is overrated. Am I broken or what because even in all these, I know I’m searching for something, I know I’m searching for myself and hopefully I will find me.

Now I’ve decided to take the process of finding myself seriously. It looks like hard work, the more I try the more I get so frustrated. It’s like wanting a nice body, but can’t throw away the junk. I think I now understand why it tastes like sour grapes, it’s that feeling you get when you see others doing things you feel incapacitated with. It’s how it feels to be disabled. I guess I have become disabled in my values. But I know there is a road that would make me able again. The road looks long and hard, but I know it’s attainable. The question is will I take that road? In theory I want to, But if I am to be practical I don’t feel like it even though I want to do it. How do I get rid of the feelings? How I wish there was a ON and OFF switch for it, because it feels like a bug that would not go.

THIS IS MY ENTRY INTO THE INKWELL CREATIVE NONFICTION PROMPT #133

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