Secrets Of The Heart [Creative Non-Fiction]

Was it love or infatuation? I think I loved him but I'll let you be the judge.

During my turbulent teen years, I struggled to express my feelings for Andrew. I transferred from my junior high school to a new school for my senior high. He was one of the first people who welcomed me.

We became very close because he had a funny sense of humour. Andrew made everyone, including our teachers laugh. He was taller than I was then and often teased me for being petite.

Senior high school was divided into three years: SS 1, SS 2 and SS 3. It was that time when students were required to determine their future careers and split into their choice classes—arts, science and social sciences. I picked art while Andrew was in science. And he excelled in mathematics while I did poorly in it. Thankfully I graduated with an average mark, enough to get me into the university.

Andrews was good looking and whenever he smiled or laughed, cute dimples would dot both his cheeks, enhancing his handsome look. He was also rugged, had coarse, strong hands, and slightly broad shoulders that would get even more so as he grew older and he never shied away from tough work that required lifting heavy things. He became the image of my ideal man.

Every morning, I would stop by his class, peer through the window to say hello and he would leave his friends to come greet me personally. Sometimes, during class breaks, he would come into my class to tease me. I didn't mind as long as I had his attention. We also spent lunch breaks together.

Our classmates noticed and jokingly called us a couple. I would feign shock and he would laugh, curve a hand around my shoulders, draw me close and holler "Yes!". I'd shake my head at him to mean it was ridiculous.

At the beginning of SS2, a new transfer student, Roseline, joined my class. Somehow, we became good friends and I assisted her as much as I could to catch up with her studies.

Then Roseline became friends with Andrew because he was always around me. His attention began to shift gradually and I didn't notice sooner. By the time I did, it was already too late.

Roseline and Andrew were in a relationship. I was heartbroken.

^{Image credit: Louis Galvez}

Andrew and I spent less time together. He was always with Roseline. I was emotionally distressed and jealousy consumed me. Then our classmates began to tease them both as "the reigning couple" and that hurt even more.

I was young, in my mid teen years and understood what it means to love someone yet unable to express it or have the affection returned. It was a struggle for me.

Days after my discovery, I huddled into my shell and didn't speak much to anyone, least of all, Roseline. My friends wondered if I was ill but my reply was, "I'm fine, don't worry." My studies took a nosedive and some of my teachers began to complain.

I spent a few nights awake, deciding how to not let my feelings for Andrew overshadow my studies. My first course of action was to speak with Roseline to confirm my suspicions.

The next day, our teacher was late for his class so I wrote a small note and asked a classmate to pass it to Roseline. She read it, looked at me and nodded with a smile. After class, I met with her.

"So many assignments, ugh!" Roseline complained. She always did and that was what made me start to help her at first when she joined our school. "And maths is getting more complicated. I'll ask Andrew to help me." My heart lurched in pain at the mention of his name. I smiled to hide my feelings.

"I want to ask you a question. Please tell me the truth," I said.

She noticed my grim expression. "Sure. What's up, Kemmy? Is everything alright?"

My heart began to race at this point. I didn't want anyone to know of my feelings for Andrew. It would be awkward and embarrassing but my mouth raced ahead of my brain before I chickened out.

"What's going on between you and Andrew? I see the two of you always together, talking alone on the playing field, in class sometimes and in the lunch hall—"

Roseline laughed and I hurt some more. "Why these questions? Are you jealous?" She asked with a wink.

I shrugged. "Just asking. Is it bad to know?"

"Alright, alright," she said, curving her arm into mine like she was about to tell me a secret. "Andrew and I are in a relationship. He's been nice to me since I started here. So I asked him."

"What?" I detached my arm from hers and stared at her in puzzlement.

She chuckled. "What? It's no big deal. I like him, he likes me. He's handsome so I told him so. I asked if we could be in a relationship and he agreed."

That day, Roseline shocked me into silence. Whatever we said or did thereafter was blurry, and I didn't remember much.

I withdrew into my shell and gave more attention to my studies which made my teachers happy. But I couldn't revive my friendship with Andrew. He tried and I pulled away.

After our graduation, he sent me a letter and one burning question at the centre of it was: 'Did I do something wrong? You stopped being my friend and distanced yourself.'

Somehow I thought he knew or had an inkling about my feelings. I'm glad he didn't. Some things are best kept as secrets.