Living in the midst of change.

Have you ever considered thoughts of the facets of your life that those around you would never get to discover? The unsaid battles you had to fight by yourself, as well as the unsaid victories you experienced? Sometimes, I treasure these memories and treasure them within my heart.

Hello and have a great, pleasant day. Good morning, hive hoomans!! It's joules once again. I simply want you all to get to know me better. So here I am again. Although I don't often document my life, I had the concept that perhaps you guys could serve as my journal and blog. You guys could atleast know what was going through my mind everytime i was in a silent mode hihi.

On Sunday morning, after attending church with my young sister and cousin, I was seated next to the modernized jeepney driver on the way home. Of course, I was in the front seat because my vision is blurry and I would become lightheaded if I wasn’t.

I was sitting in the jeep waiting for some passengers to board when someone outside caught my attention. As I leaned against the window I could see a two person. I noticed that the mother was asking for money or the food they needed for the day and the boy was curled up on the floor and resting. Then I wonder what did they do to end up living there as beggars and questions arise to my mind. Do they have relatives here? Has anyone found them yet or did they just run away from a domestic or a family violence situation.

Then I realize that life is full of ups and downs, each one of us has a different battles on the field and that you’ll never know who will stay with you or who will protect your name when you are not there. There was a time when I felt so naive and asked God for everything, I always ask for things that I really wanted to happen or change. like my mom and dad.

When I was in elementary school through my high school years, my parents were always fighting about something. It could be about money or dad's hobby, which is always drinking. They argue every day to such an extent that they can hurt each other not only mentally but also physically. I always run to church every Sunday and I always pray to God that I want something different to happen and I still hope that my mom and dad are still together even though they argue a lot.
But then nothing changes, so I tell myself that maybe it's God testing my faith in him. And after months of going in and out of church and praying over and over about things, still nothing had changed.

Sometimes I asked myself, was my faith not strong enough? Then something unexpected happened, in the middle of the night, when my siblings and I were sleeping peacefully. I heard my mom and dad arguing again, my dad was drunk at the time, I hear them yelling and I heard glasses being thrown in the kitchen. I dont know what was the reason or the cause but when i heard my young sisters crying i chose to open my eyes and then i comforted them telling them that it’s gonna be okay , although tears also streamed down my face. Then I forgot to control myself, but all I remember is that I stood up with trembling hands and looked at them, holding the butcher knife in my right hand. I told them while trying not to make my voice crack, that if they didn't stop arguing , I would cut myself. They didn't understand me that time because of my shaky voice. So I cut my wrists without hesitation. When they saw the blood dripping on my hands, their intense argument stopped. All i remember was their blaming each other but still they ran towards me and comforted me. So fast forward, to make the long story short. They were separated now but still they can provide the needs of my sisters. Then i am living now with my auntie who supports me financially on my college life.

Personally, I am somewhat nervous, the unknown future worries me and the daily struggle to become an adult, family problems, pressure from society itself, and other issues have affected me. But I always remembered that God has a better plan than how I plan my life would be. As I grew up, I know already that I don’t have any choice but to fight and face the reality that I need to be an independent woman now. I realized that no matter what happens to me, whenever I face life on my own, I know God has a reason for it. That God wanted me to be strong in a difficult situation. Now that I'm in college life every time I go to church, I don't ask God for what I want, but his will are always what I should follow.

This was the end for now, thankyou hive hooman for your effort to read this. I appreciate y’all :>