What Are Boundaries, Anyway?

I’m thankful for prompts that make us be more truthful to ourselves. Of course, it would only work if we’re willing to embrace that truth and let our writing be our form of liberation. So when I saw the prompt for the week by the Hive Naija Community....

At what point is it necessary to set boundaries and turn down someone who needs our financial help despite our natural instinct to assist others?

My first thought was, “is it though?” Is it really a natural instinct of ours to help others? Because if we came into the truth of whether or not we instinctively help others, then the question would be rather more straightforward for us to answer.

I wouldn’t say I go out of my way to offer financial assistance. I have a rather large family and there are needs to be met at certain points, so I don’t go all out in the street or to people trying to give them so money. But what I catch myself doing, however, is that if you’re close to me and I consider you my person, my boundaries blur. I’ve never even had a giving boundary to begin with because my motto has always been, “If you’re my person, whatever you need, if I can afford it, I won’t hesitate to do it.”

And it’s just something I choose to live by, you know. Because it gives me joy knowing that my friends or my people have someone they can count on. I overheard a conversation once where a friend was talking to another friend who was complaining that she asked me for money and I said I had nothing at the time to give her. And my friend said to that other friend. “She must really not have, because you know Tess would give if she did.”

I was thrilled that she stood up for me but I was also thinking about if I'd ever need to draw the line. I had these girls I hung out with once. I loved them so much so it was never an issue for me buying things for them or paying for meals occasionally.

But then I noticed a trend where they would order stuff, sometimes outrageously and look at me expectantly like I’ve got to pay for them. The particular day they really did this stressed me out so much because it was the exams period and I had stated it categorically that I was quite low on cash and wasn’t looking to spend any thing.

When they said we'd go out for a girls’ night, I immediately asked, “Did one of us cash out?” That’s a Nigerian way of asking if any of us had suddenly gotten some huge money that we could afford to spend on. And they were like don’t worry, just come. I asked it two more times and stated in between that I didn’t have money at the time so I’m glad if any of us did and wanted to spend.

So we went out to somewhere new and then I happily ordered, the two of them did as well, and when the bill was brought, it was about 20k or thereabout and the next thing was like, “Tessa, Shea you’re paying for us?” Ah. I wanted to run mad, lol. I didn’t even know what to do, so I texted a friend and quickly told him of the situation because I was confused. He was enraged on my behalf and asked me to walk out, pay for my stuff if I could and just ditch. I knew I couldn’t and I really hate scenes so I was in a bit of a fix.

How that matter was resolved, I don’t remember because I genuinely didn’t have funds at the time but I needed to see how it would play out since I knew all of that had to stop. So I paid for mine and waited. Anyway, in the end I just realized that maybe I’d been giving out an impression of me that wasn’t so accurate and I needed to change that ASAP.

Back to the question of when I think it’s time to set boundaries on how I help others financially, and I would say that if you can't help giving and it’s in your heart to do it, please do. There’s a blessing that comes with giving that is not talked about enough, especially if you gave from a place of love. You can’t ever lack, no matter how people may make you feel like you’re stupid for doing so.

But at the same time, once your heart is not in it, there’s no need. If you’re a natural helper/giver but now suddenly you just can’t handle the burden, say something about it. There’s nothing wrong in being open and just saying how you feel about doing that kind of thing. Giving and helping out with anger and resentment clearly in your heart just cancels the whole blessing that comes with giving. So once your heart is not in it, say so and stand by it. If you were the type that loved to give, they may understand with you or maybe not. But at the end of the day, you’re choosing your peace of mind and in the grander scheme of things, that’s what matters.

Jhymi🖤

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