Therapist Much?
The sentence, “Don’t tell me what to do,” can be taken in two opposing aspects, which in a way connect for me. Coming from a family of mostly women, and of course, a typical African family, it’s almost impossible not to hear or say that sentence at least a thousand times in a few weeks. I knew that giving unsolicited advice and generally telling my sisters things wouldn’t bode so well in their heads.
I’d finish eating and of course, I knew to clear my plates and just as I was about to clear it, Mom or one of my sisters would just go, “Tess, don’t leave without clearing your plates.” And my first instinct would be not to do it at all because everyone saw that I was going to do it. At that moment, you almost feel like yelling, “Don’t tell me what to do!” But of course, you don’t. For quite obvious reasons.
I think it’s because I’ve felt like this a lot that I was always sceptical of telling people what to do. It’s always been a part of me, giving advice. Most times it was solicited advice but of course, there are other times. I had and still have a lot of friends who come to me for my thoughts on different issues in their lives.
I’ve always derived pleasure from gifting my friends with my “pearly words of advice.” Lol. Jokes aside, I’ve always loved it. And because people genuinely seemed to always want to hear what I had to say, I felt at some point that I should pursue Counselling professionally. And I may still do it. But that’s by the way though.
What I’m trying to say is that, in my not-so-many years of advising people, I’ve experienced a lot of things. And since I was used to always giving advice, I was oblivious to the times when it felt irksome to the person listening to it. Of course, that’s one of the few things I learned. I also got to know that I should use my discretion when advising so that I wouldn’t be made to take responsibility(as it happened a few times) when a friend would randomly make decisions and claim that it’s cause you told her to do so.
Still putting that aside, I remember an incident that happened with one of the ladies I knew. She usually came to me for relationship advice and that was kind of my specialty then. I could talk about relationships for days so of course she came to me and told me about her verbally abusive boyfriend. She told me that he made her feel small. And kept talking about how possible it was that someone would say he loves you but go out of his way to ensure you cry because of the words of his mouth? Shoving your insecurities in your face time and time again?
I’d felt empathic for her in that situation and after telling her how I saw her, which was that she was beautiful, smart, down to earth and literally listing all her beautiful qualities, I went ahead to tell her that her peace of mind was worth more than the internal pain she was made to go through. She wiped her tears, nodded and hugged me. And in my head, I patted myself that I’d saved another woman like me.
Contrary to my expectations, the lady didn’t leave the relationship or even give her partner a piece of her mind. The next thing was to post videos of a fancy outing they went together. I only arched my eyebrow and concluded that he must have apologized or something, even though I doubted that someone would suddenly stop being verbally abusive if it was a habit.
A week later she came back with even bigger tears saying she couldn’t do it anymore. I tried to talk her out of it, even violating what I supposed was one of the ethics of the profession by outright telling her to leave him since I couldn’t stand her pain. We ended the conversation with more hugs and I was absolutely sure things would go right this time.
It didn’t. It was worse and I even got a call from said partner warning asking that I stay away from their relationship and stop trying to steer his woman away from him. I remember being so pissed off and after berating myself for caring too much, I resolved in my mind never to advise her, let alone tell her what to do.
It was sad and a lot happened. Thankfully, they’re no longer together. But I’d learnt my lesson and also found ways to apply it to subsequent “pearly advice” I gave out. You just have to experience just how severe these situations could get to stop trying to steer people’s lives the way you want to go. The Bible teaches us to apply wisdom and discretion in everything. So, I know better now.
Jhymi🖤
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BEERKING.😂 😂 You know, I've heard it countless times that the worst person to give advice is someone in love. Last last they'll resolve and then they'll both be looking at you as the enemy that tried to destroy their relationship 😅. Especially if you said it outrightly
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My dear see me oo. I now thought I was saving a life but I now became the person trying to put asunder in their love.😂
It's an experience sha. And I've known how to handle things like that since then.
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For some reason, I found some bits of this hilarious. I mean, you felt that you just saved someone from a ditch, only to find out later that the person went back into the same ditch and is stuck again. 😁
Giving advice can be a complicated thing sometimes. I am learning to keep my mouth shut these days and listen more, and then only offer advice when asked. Advice is more likely received when requested than not.
As for the African family matter palaver, na God go dey help us. Lol
And, yes, you're a pretty level-headed person and a critical thinker, Fangy.
It's me that did the mistake na. Although I can understand that if someone advised me against a partner I was in love with, I may not be swift to leave. But at the same time, I'm not foolish. So at the end of the day, it all borders on self-orientation and of course, self-esteem.
Very true statement, Minion. And yeah, I think I'm pretty cool.😄
They say its hard to give advice to people in love. What do you make of that?
You're an amazing person, actually.
My dear you are so bold trying to give such a person who is In love advise, they can be quite annoying but then I guess you really have a thing for counselling.
As for our parents and elderly ones, they just derive joy in telling us what to do even though they can see we are already half way done 😂.
My dear o. Who sent me work like this?
She was in love but she was also crying to me. What would I have done? Glad it's over though.
All these relationship kids.😂
Nor be small, they don't even know how and what to feel, they just move with every emotions 😂.
Anyways, I think in a long run she got wiser thanks to your advise too.
Relationship advisor isn't in a relationship herself?
Wow. Nice one, Seki.😂
But I'll neither confirm nor deny this. We shall see who laughs last.
😂😂😂
Your turn fit no reach to laugh last ooo😂😂😂
You should definitely consider a career in counseling.
I once advised a friend several times to leave the toxic relationship she was in. And the next day she would tell me “he said he is sorry”. Every time she asks for my advice she won't listen. It's so annoying to advice someone in love 😂.
My own is, why do you keep asking for my advice if you know you won't listen to it. It didn't make a lot of sense to me. We don't know how we'll do with these love people, my dear.😄
Some people don't do a good job of doing what's best for them, especially in their relationship. As an outsider to that relationship, you can see all the glaring red flags, but for some reason, the person who should be running out of that relationship often falls deeper into it.
One of the things I know about people who are not listening is that they devalue whatever we say whenever we offer our advice to them. Sadly, some people never learn until they get burnt.
Your experience also teaches something important to those who are interested in clinical psychology. People in that position need to know when to pull back. Some people/patients lining up for consultation don't really want to be saved.
That last line really hit me. Many of them don't really want to be saved or are not ready for what it takes to be saved so they just keep turning themselves and everyone around them in circles. It's best, like you said, to know when to pull back.
Yeah, African drama style. Haha. You have to scream the words inside and let the fire die there. Lol.
Seeking path as towards counselling is very beautiful, and I know you'll do superb in it.
You see, I have learned something about humans, especially those in a relationship. You know there's a statement that says, "You can't advise someone in love" and that's right.
They have to truly feel the heat to suffocation before some of them eventually leave. A verbal abusive boyfriend? Hmm, she's really a superstar for taking those punches. I guess she must have been tired of being the punching back to leave. She made a good choice at the end. That's good for her.
Yeah, his verbal punches. Because if someone keeps saying things that make you feel worthless as a person, I don't think there's a reason under the earth to still choose to remain with that person. Love can be blind but not foolish.
Yes, that's it. How can you be with someone who treats you like that and calls it love? Mehn, they sure have changed the meaning of love.
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STOPAdvising someone in love is the worst, at the end of the day, they'll settle their differences and call you the hater 😂😂.
I believe she heard you, and took your advice, but when you're with someone you love, it's hard to leave even tho the person is treating you bad. Theyre always bad times and good times too.
I guess she couldn't take the abuse anymore so she mustered up the courage to leave at the end, your advice still played out .
And let's cheers 🥂 to our parents and older siblings always telling us what to do even tho they see that were already on it. Sometimes it's so annoying I'll intentionally not do it 😂
#dreemerforlife
Are you even in a relationship that you turned yourself to a marriage counselor, you can never advise people who are in love my dear.
Some men are really persuasive and some women are easily persuaded. Taking her on outings and all must have been his way of making her forget the pain he caused her. I had a similar experience with a Muslim female friend of mine who I advised against tolerating an abusive relationship but at the long run they eventually got engaged and the abuse still continues.
Not everyone is good at confrontation especially women no matter how much they get hurt, they will keep on tolerating it.
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#Dreemerforlife
You are very correct. You can't come in between two people in live, else when they settle they differences, they would gossip about what you told them.
I wonder why some ladies keep going back to an abusive relationship!. Thinking the partner would change later is always a mistake. No man who abyss a woman is worthy of that woman. Well, you just have to be open -minded with your "pearly advices", the person would have to choose what to do.
#dreemerforlife
When advising someone in love it has to be with caution in order not to be blamed later.
#dreemerforlife